MS-WU-MSS008-3-49

[1638] had breathed it in, breathe it out, I could have counted them. [1639] Ah yes,
my asthma, how often I was tempted to put an end to it, by cutting my
throat. [1640] But I never succumbed. [1641] The nosⁱse betrayed me, I turned purpo^le.
[1642] It came on mostly at night, for better or for worse, I could never make
up my mind. [1643] For if sudden changes of colour matter less at night, the
least unusual noise is then more noticeable, because of the silence of
the night.

[1644] But these were mere crises, and what are crises compared to
all that never stops, knows neither ebb nor flow, with its leaden surff^ace
above infernal depths. [1645] Not a word, not a word against the crises that
seized me, wrung me, and finally threw me away, mercifully, safe from
help. [1646] And I wrapped my head in my coat, to stifle the obscene noise of
choking, or I disguised it with a fit of coughing, universally accepted
and approved and whose only disadvantage is that it risks provoking pity.

[1647] And this is perhaps the moment oto observe, better late than never, that
when I speak of my progress being slowed down, consequent on the defle
defection of my good leg, I express only an infinitesimal part of the
truth. [1648] For the truth is, I had the other weak points, here and there,
and they too were growing weaker and weaker, as was only to be expected.
[1649] But what was not to be expected was the speed at which their weakness
increased, since my departure from the seaside.

[1650] For as long as I had
remained at the seaside my weak points, while admittedly increasing in
weakness, as was only to be expecj^ted, only increased imperceptibly, in
weakness I mean. [1651] So that I would have hesitated to assert, with my
fingers in my arse-hole for example, Jesus, it's much worse than yesterday,
it's hard to believe it's the same hole.

[1652] I apologise for having to revert
to this shameless orifice, tis my muse will have it so. [1653] Perhaps it is
less to be thought of as the blemish here called by its name than as
the symbol of those passed over in silence, a distinction due perhaps
to its centrality and its air of being a link between me and the other