[p. 11r]
[2272] was done[₰], he who never smoked.
[2273] And everyone said he was most broadminded. broad.
[2274] I asked him if he had noticed my son at the last mass.
[2275] Certainly, he said, we even spoke together.
[2276] I must have looked surprised.
[2277] Yes, he said, not seeing you at your place, in the front row, I freared you were ill.
[2278] So I called for the dear child, who reassured me.
[2279] A most untimely visitor, I said, whom I could not get rid of shake off in time.
[2280] So your son explained to me, he said.
[2281] He added, But let us sit down, we have no train to catch.
[2282] He laughed and sat down, hitching up his heavy cassock.
[2283] May I offer you a little glass of something? he said.
[2284] I was in a quandary.
[2285] Had Jacques let slip an allusion to the lager.
[2286] He was quite capable of it.
[2287] I came to ask you a favour, I said.
[2288] Granted, he said.
[2289] We observed each other. [2290] It's this, I said, Sunday for me without the Body and Blood is like —.
[2291] He raised his hand.
[2292] Above all no profane comparisons, he said.
[2293] Perhaps he was thinking of the kiss without a moustache or beef without mustard.
[2294] I dislike being interrupted.
[2295] I sulked.
[2296] Say no more, he said, a wink is as good as a nod, you want to take[₰] communion.
[2297] I bowed my head.
[2298] It's a little unusual, he said.
[2299] I wondered if he had fed.
[2300] I knew he was given to prolonged fasts, by way of mortification certainly, and then because his doctor advised it.
[2301] Thus he killed two birds with one stone.
[2302] Not a word to a soul, he saieed, let it remain between us and —.
[2303] He broke off, raising a finger, and his eyes, to the ceiling.
[2304] Heavens, he said, what is that stain?
[2305] I looked in turn at the ceiling.
[2306] Damp, I said.
[2307] Tut tut, he said, how annoying.
[2308] The words tut tut seemed to me the maddest I had heard.
[2309] There are times, he said, when one is tempted to abandon hope [⁁]feels like weeping..
[2310] He got up.
[2311] I'll go and get my kit, he said.
[2312] He called that his kit.
[2313] Alone, my hands clasped until it seemed my knuckles would crack, I asked the Lord for
guidance.
[2314] Without result.
[2315] That was some consolation.
[2316] As for Father Ambrose, considering in view of his alacrity to fetch his kit, it seemed evident to me
[p. 12r]
[2316] he suspected nothing.
[2317] Or did it amuse him to see how far I would go?
[2318] Or did it tickle him to have me commit a sin?
[2319] I summarised the situation briefly as follows.
[2320] If knowing I have beer taken and he gives me the sacrament, his sin, if the sin there be, is as great as mine. [2321] I was therefore risking little.
[2322] He came back with a kind of portable pyre [⁁]pyx, opened it and dispatched me without an instant's hesitation.
[2323] I rose and thanked him warmly.
[2324] Pah! he saieed, it's nothing.
[2325] Now we can talk.
[2326] I had nothing else to say to him.
[2327] All I wanted was to return home as quickly as possible and stuff myself with stew.
[2328] My soul appeased, I was starving ravenous.
[2329] But being slightly in advance of my schedule,[₰] I resigned myself to allowing him eight minutes.
[2330] They seemed endless.
[2331] He informed me that Mrs.[₰] Clement, the chemist's wife and herself a first-class [⁁]highly qualified chemist, had fallen, in her laboratory, from the top of a ldadder, and broken the neck—.
[2332] The neck! I cried.
[2333] Of her femur, he said, Ccan't you let me finish.
[2334] He added that it was bound to happen.
[2335] And I, not to be outdone, told him how worried I was about my hens, particularly my grey hen, which would neither brood nor lay and for the past month and more had done nothing but sit with her arse in the dust, from morning to night. [2336] Like Job, haha, he said.
[2337] I too said haha.
[2338] How good [⁁]What a joy it is to laugh, from time to time, he said.
[2339] Is it not? I said.
[2340] It is peculiar to man, he said.
[2341] So I have noticed, I said.
[2342] A brief silence ensued.
[2343] What do you feed her on? he said.
[2344] Corn chiefly, I said.
[2345] Cooked or raw? he said.
[2346] Both, I said.
[2347] I added that she ate nothing any more.
[2347|001] Nothing! he cried.
[2347|002] Next to nothing, I said.
[2348] Animals never laugh, he said.
[2349] It takes us to find that funny, I said.
[2350] What? he said.
[2351] It takes us to find that funny, I said loudly.
[2352] He mused.
[2353] Christ never laughed either, he said, so far as we know.
[2354] He looked at me.
[2355] Can you wonder? I said.
[2356] There it is, he said.
[2357] He smiled sadly.
[2358] She has not the ppip, I hope, he said.
[2359] I said she had not,
[p. 13r]
[2359] certainly not, anything he liked, but not the pip.
[2360] He mused [⁁]meditated.
[2361] Have you tried bicarbonate? he said.
[2362] I beg your pardon? I said.
[2363] Bicarbonate of soda, he said, have you tried it?
[2364] Why no, I said.
[2365] Try it! he cried, flushing with pleasure, have her swallow a few dessertspoonfuls, several times a day, for a few months.
[2366] You'll see, you won't know her.
[2367] A powder? I said.
[2368] Bless my heart to be sure, he said.
[2369] Many thanks, I said, I'll begin today.
[2370] Such a fine hen, he said, such a good layer.
[2371] Or rather tomorrow, I hsaid.
[2372] I had forgotten the chemist was closed.
[2373] Except in case of emergency.
[2374] And now that little digestive cordial, he said.
[2375] I declined.
[2376] This interview with Father Ambrose left me with a painful impression. [2377] He was still the same dear man, and yet not. [2378] I seemed to have surprised, on his face, a lack, how shall I say, a lack of nobility. [2379] The host, it is only fair to say, was lying heavy on my stomach. [2380] And as I made my way home I felt like one who, having swallowed a pain-killer, is first astonished, then indignant, on obtaining no relief. [2381] And I was almost ready to suspect Father Ambrose, alive to my excesses of the forenoon, of having fobbed me off with unconsecrated bread. [2382] Or of mental reservation as he pronounced the magic words. [2383] And it was in vile humour that I arrived home, in the pelting rain.
[2384] The stew was a great disappointment. [2385] Where are the onions? I cried. [2386] Gone to nothing, replied Martha. [2387] I rushed into the kitchen, to look for the onions I suspected her of having removed from the pot, because she knew how much I liked them. [2388] I even rummaged in the bin. [2389] Nothing. [2390] She watched me mockingly.
[2391] I went up to my room again, drew back the curtains on a calamitous sky and lyay down.
[2392] I could not understand what was happening to me.
[2393] I found it painful at that period not to understand.
[2394] I tried to pull myself together.
[2395] In vain.
[2396] I might have known.
[2397] My life was running out, I knew not
[p. 14r]
[2397] through what breach.
[2398] I succeeded however in dozing off, which is not so easy, when pain is speculative.
[2399] And I was marvelling, in that half sleep, at my half sleeping, when my son came in,without knocking.
[2400] Now if there is one thing I abhor, it is someone coming into my room,without knocking.
[2401] I might just happen to be masturbating, before my cheval-glass.
[2402] Father with yawning fly and starting eyes, toiling to scatter on the ground his joyless seed, that was no sight for a small boy.
[2403] Harshly I recalled him to the proprieties.
[2404] He protested he had knocked twice.
[2405] If you had knocked a hundred times, I replied, it would not give you the right to come in without being invited.
[2406] But, he said.
[2407] But what? I said. [2408] You told me to be here at half-past four, he said.
[2409] There is something, I said, more important in life than punctuality, and that is decorum.
[2410] Repeat.
[2411] In that disdainful mouth my phrase put me to shame.
[2412] He was soaked.
[2413] What have you been looking at? I said.
[2414] The lilies [⁁]liliaceae, papa, he answered.
[2415] The lilies [⁁]liliaceae papa!
[2416] My son had a way of saying papa, when he wanted to hurt me, that was very special.
[2417] Now listen to me, I said.
[2418] His face took on an expression of anguished attention.
[2419] We leave this evening, I said in substance, on a journey.
[2420] Pjut on your school suit, the green—.
[2421] But it's blue, father papa, he said.
[2422] Blue or green, put it on, I said violently.
[2423] I went on.
[2424] Put in your little knapsack, the one I gave you for your birthday, your toilet things, one shirt, one pair of socks and seven pairs of drawers.
[2425] Do you understand?
[2426] Which shirt, papa,? he said.
[2427] It doesn't matter which shirt, I cried, any shirt!
[2428] Which shoes am I to wear? he said.
[2429] You have two pairs of shoes, I said, one for Sundays and one for weekdays, and you ask me which you are to wear.
[2430] I sait up.
[2431] I want none of your lip, I said.
[2432] Thus to my son I gave precise instructions. [2433] But were they the right ones? [2434] Would they stand the test of second thoughts? [2435] Would I not be impelled, in a very short time, to cancel them? [2436] I who never changed my
[p. 15r]
[2436] mind before my son. [2437] The worst was to be feared.
[2438] Where are we going, papa? he said.
[2439] How often had I told him not to ask me questions.
[2440] And where were we going, in point of fact.
[2441] Do as you're told, I said.
[2442] I have an appointment with Mr. [₰] Py tomorrow, he said.
[2443] You'll see him another day, I said.
[2444] But I have an ache, he said.
[2445] There exist other dentists, I said, Mr. Py is not the unique dentist of the northern hemisphere.
[2446] I added rashly, wWe are not going to into the wilderness.
[2447] But he's a very good dentist, he saieed.
[2448] All dentitsts are alike, I said.
[2449] I could have told him to get to hell out of that with his dentist, but no, I reasoned gently with him, I spoke with himsas with an equal.
[2450] I could furthermore have pointed out to him that he was lying when he said he had an ache.
[2451] He did have an ache, in a premolar bicuspid I believe, but it was over.
[2452] Py himself had told me so.
[2453] I have dressed the tooth, he said, your son cannot possibly feel any more pain.
[2454] I remembered this conversation well.
[2455] He has naturally very bad teeth, said Py.
[2456] Naturally, I said, what do you mean, naturally?
[2457] What are you insinuating?
[2458] He was born with bad teeth, said Py, and all his life he will have bad teeth.
[2459] Naturally I shall do what I can.
[2460] Meaning, I was born with the disposition to do all I can, all my life I shall do all I can, necessarily.
[2461] Born with bad teeth!
[2462] As for me, I was down to my incisors, the nippers.
[2463] Is it still raining? I said.
[2464] My son had drawn a small glass from his pocket and was examining the inside of his mouth, prising away his upper lip with his finger.
[2465] Aaw, he said, without interrupting his inspection.
[2466] Stop messing about with your mouth! I cried.
[2467] Go to the window and tell me if it's still raining.
[2468] He went to the window ancd told me it was still raining.
[2469] Is the sky completely overcast? I said.
[2470] Yes, he said.
[2471] Not the least rift? I said.
[2472] No, he said.
[2473] Draw the curtains, I said.
[2474] Delicious instants, before one's eyes get used to the dark.
[2475] Are you still there? I