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[0408] What prevents the miracle is the spirit of[p. 16r] method to which I have benn
perhaps a little too
given addicted. [0409] The fact that Prometheus was delivered twenty-nine thousand
nine hundred and seventy years after having purged his
offence leaves me naturally as cold as camphor. [0410] For between
me and that wretch miscreant who mocked the gods, invented fire, denatured clay, and domesticated the horse, in a word obliged humanity,
I trust there is nothing in common. [0411] But the thing is worth mentioning. [0412] In a word:, can I shall I be able to speak of me, of this place, without eliminating us? putting an end to us, and shall I ever be able to go silent? , and is
there any connexion between thes e these two questions? [0413] Nothing like cruxes issues. [0414] There are a few to be going on with,
perhaps one only.
[0415] All these Murphys, Molloys and Malones do not fool me. [0416] They have made me waste my time, suffer for nothing, by allowing
me to speak of them when, I should have spoken of me and of me
only alone, oin order to stop speaking . [0417] But I just said I have spoken
of me, am speaking of me. [0418] I don't care a curse what I just
said. [0419] It is now I shall speak of me, for the first time. [0420] I thought
it would be a help to engage I was right in enlisting these sufferers of
my pains. [0421] I was wrong. [0422] They have did not sugffered my pains, their
pains are nothing, compared to mine, no more than a fraction a mere tittle
of mine, the fraction tittle I thought I could put from me, in order
to contemplate see it. [0423] Let them go go now be gone now,, them and all the others, those
who have served me, those who bide their time I have used & those I have not used,, let them give me back
the pains I laid on lent them and vanish, from my life, my memory,
my terros and shames. [0424] There, now there is no one here but
me, no one wheels about me, no one comes towards me, no one
[p. 17r] has ever
ùmet anyone before my eyes. [0425] These creartures have
never been, [0426] only I and this opaque black void are all that have ever
been. [0427] And the sounds? [0428] No, all is silent. [0429] And the lights,
on which I was so counting had set such hopes, must they be extinguished put out? [0430] Yes,
they must out with them,, there are is no :lights eh here. [0431] No grey either, black
is what I should have said. [0432] Nothing then but me, of whom I know
nothing, except that I have never spoken uttered, and this black, of
which I know nothing either, except that it is black, and empty. [0433] That then is what, having since I have to speak, I shall speak of, until I
no longer have to speak need speak no more. [0435] And Basil and consorts his gang? [0436] Inexistent,
incvented to explain I gforget what. [0437] Ah yes, [0438] all lies, [0439] God and
man, nature and the light of day, the heart's outpourings and
the means of understanding, all invented, basesly , by me alone,
with the help of nobody, since there is nobody,
so as not to to put off the hour when I
[⁁] must speak of myself me. [0440] There will be no more about them.
[0441] I, of whom I know nothing, I know my eyes are open, because
of the tears that flow pour from them unceasing[⁁]ly. [0442] I know I am seated,
my hands on my knees, because of the pressure against my but- rump
tocks, against the soles of my feet, against the palms of my
hands, against my knees. [0443] Against my my palms the pressure sis
of my knees, against my knees of my palms , but what is it that
presses against my
buttocks rump, against the soles of my gfeet? [0444] I
don't know. [0445] My back is not supported. [0446] I meantion these details
to make sure I am not lying on my back, my legs raised and bent
at the knees, and my eyes closed. [0447] It is as well to establish the
position of the body from the outset, before passing on to
more important matters. [0448] But what makes me say that I look gaze[p. 18r] straight before me, as I have said? [0449] I feel my back straight,
my nec
jk straight rigid erect [Stet] and
untwisted free of twist and up on top of it the head, like
the ball of the cup-and-ball in its cup[⁁] socket cup at the op top at the end at the top of the
little rod stick. [0450] These comparisons are out of place uncalled for. [0451] Then there is
the way of flowing of my tears which flow all over my gface, and
even down along the neck, in a way it seems to me they could not
do, if the face were bowed, or thrown back lifted up. [0452] But I must not confue
confuse the straightness of the erectness erect unbowed head with the levelness of the
gaze, nor the vertical plane with the horizontal. [0453] This question
in any case is secondary, since I see nothing. [0454] Am
d I clothed? [0455] I have often asked myself this question, then suddenly started
talking about Malone's hat, or Molloy's greatcoat, or Murphy's
suit. [0456] If I am, I am but lightly so. [0457] For I feel my tears trickling coursing
over my chest, my sides, and all down my back. [0458] Ah yes, I am truly
bathed in tears. [0459] They gather in my beard and from there thence, when
it can hold no more — no, I have no beard, no hair either, it
is a great smooth ball that I carry on my shoulders, featureless,
except but for the eyes, of which only the sockets remain. [0460] And but
for the distant evidence of my palms, my sl soles,[⁁] which I haven't yet been able to get rid of I would gladly
give mtyself the shape, if not the consoistency, of an egg, with
two holes no matter where to prevent it from bursting, [0461] for the
consistency is looks is more like that of mucilage. [0462] But softly, softly,
otherwise I shall I'll never arrive. [0463] never get there
So as far as In the matter of clothes are concerned then
I can think of nothing for the moment but possibly puttees for the moment, with perhaps
a few rags clinging to me here and there. [0464] I shall say nNo more
obscenities either. [0465] Why should I have a sex, who have no longer
a nose? [0466] All those things have fallen, all the things that stick o
out, with my eyes[p. 19r] out, with my eyes my hair, without leaving a trace, fallen so
far so deep that I heard nothing, perhaps are falling still,
my hair slowly like soot still, of the fall of my ears heard
nothing. [0467]
No need, I feel my mean soul still, [⁁]Mean words, and needless, from the mean old spirit, I invented love,
music, the smell of flowering currant, to escape from me. [0468]
Oergans, a without, it's it's easy to imagine, others, a gGod, it's
unavoidable, you imagine them, it's easy, the trouble dies worst is dulled,
away, you doze away, an instant. [0469] Yes, God, fomenter of calm, I n
never believed, not an instant. [0470] I shall make no more pauses
either. [0471] Can I keep nothing then, nothing of what has carried borne
my poor thouhgts , bent beneath my words, while I hid? [0472]
I shall I'll
dry thes e these streaming sockets too, bung them [⁁]up, there, it's
done, no more tears, I'm a book big talking ball, talking about
things that do not exist, or that exist perhaps, that is impossible to know, not
beside the point. [0473] Ah yes, quick let me change my tune. [0474] And after
all why a ball, rather than something else, and why big? [0475] Why
not a cylinder, a small cylinder? [0476] An egg, a medium-sized egg? [0477] No no, that's the old nonsense, I always knew I was round, solid
and round, without daring to say so, smooth and whole no asperities,, no apert- openings
ures, invisible perhaps, or as vast as Sirius in the Great Dog,
these expressions mean nothing. [0478] All that matters is for me to that I am
be hard[ 2] and round[ 1], there are certainly must be reasons for that, for
my being hard[ 2] and round[ 1] rather than of some irregular shape and
liable subject to the dents and bulges caused by the various kinds of incident to shock
collision, but I have done with reasons. [0479] All the rest can be I renounce
discarded, including this ridiculous black which I thought for
a moment worthier than grey to enfold me.[p. 20r] a moment
more worthy worthier than grey to enfold me. [0480] What nonsense rubbish
all this business stuff about light and dark. [0481] And how I have
wallowed in it. [0482] But fdo I roll, like in the manner of a true ball? Or am I in
equilibrium somewhere, on one of my innumerable numberless poles? [0483] I
feel strongly tempted to know enquire discover. [0484] What a chunk slice of discourse reams I
could squeeze elicit from this apparently so legitimate preoccupation. [0485] But which would not be credited to me. [0486] No, between me and
the right to silence, the living rest to rest before I end, stretches the same old
lesson, the lesson one I knew by heart and would not say, I don't
know why, perhaps for fear of the silence perhaps, or thinking any old
thing would do, and so lies for preference, in order to remai
jn hidden. , [0487] No no importance. [0488] But now I shall say my lesson, if
I can remember it. [0489] Under the skies, on the roads, in the towns,
in the woods, in the mountains hills, in the plains, by the seas shores,
on the waves sea, behind my mannikins, I was not always sad, I
wasteding my time, abjureding my rights, suffereding for nothing, forgotgetting my lesson. [Stet] [0490] Then a little he
ell after my own heart, not too cruel, with
a few nice damned to hang foist my groans on, something sighing off
and on and the far off distant gleams of pity's flames fires biding
their hour to promote us to ashes. [0491] I speak, speak, because I
must, but I do not listen, I seek after my lesson, my life I
used to know and would not confess, whence possibly an
occasional slight lack of limpidity. [0492] And perhalps now once
again I shall do no more than seek after my lesson, and fail never
to say it, to the self-accompaniment of a language tongue that is
not mine. [0493] But instead of saying what I should not say have
said, and what I shall say no more, if I can, and what I shall say
perhaps, if I can, should In I not rather say some other
thing, even though it be is not yet the right thing? [0494] I shall I'll [Stet]
try,
I shall I'll try in another present, even though it be not
yet mine, without pauses, without tears, without eyes, without reasons. [0495] Let us assume it be assumed [Stet] then that I am at rest, though it's unimportant
though this is, at rest or rolling never still, through the
air or in contact with other surfaces, or that I sometimes
roll move, sometimes rest, since I felel nothing, neither quietude[p. 21r] nor change, nothing that can serve as a p
ioint of departure
towards an opinion on this subject, which would not greatly
matter if I disposed of possessed some general notions, and with that then
the use of my reason, but there it is, I feel nothing, know nothing, and as
far as thinking is concerned I do it just enough to keep me
from going silent, you can't call that thinking.
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