MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[0408] What prevents the miracle is the spirit of[p. 16r] method to which I have benn perhaps a little too given ^addicted. [0409] The fact that Prometheus was delivered twenty-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy years after having purged his offence leaves me naturally as cold as camphor. [0410] For between me and that wretch ^miscreant who mocked the gods, invented fire, denatured clay, ^and domesticated the horse, in a word obliged humanity, I trust there is nothing in common. [0411] But the thing is worth mentioning. [0412] In a word:^, can I ^{shall I be able to} speak of me, of this place, without eliminating us? ^{putting an end to us, and} shall I ever be able to go silent? ^{, and} is there any connexion between thes e these two questions? [0413] Nothing like cruxes ^issues. [0414] There are a few to be going on with, perhaps one only.

[0415] All these Murphys, Molloys and Malone^s do not fool me. [0416] They have made me waste my time, suffer for nothing, by allowing me to speak of them when^, I should have spoken of me and ^of me only ^alone, oⁱn order to stop speaking . [0417] But I just said I have spoken of me, am speaking of me. [0418] I don't care a curse what I just said. [0419] It is now I shall speak of me, for the first time. [0420] I thought it would be a help to engage ^{I was right in enlisting} these sufferers of my pains. [0421] I was wrong. [0422] They have ^did not sug^ffered my pains, their pains are nothing, compared to mine, no more than a fraction ^{a mere tittle} of mine, the fraction ^tittle I thought I could put from me, in order to contemplate ^see it. [0423] Let them go ^{go now be gone now,}, them and all the others, those who have served me, those who bide their time ^{I have used & those I have not used,}, ^{let them} give me back the pains I laid on ^lent them and vanish, from my life, my memory, my terros and shames. [0424] There, now there is no one here but me, no one wheels about me, no one comes towards me, no one[p. 17r] has ever ù^met anyone before my eyes. [0425] These crear^tures have never been, [0426] ^only I and this opaque ^black void are all that have ever been. [0427] And the sounds? [0428] No, all is silent. [0429] And the lights, on which I was so counting ^{had set such hopes}, must the^y be extinguished ^{put out}? [0430] Yes, they must ^{out with them,}, there are ^is no :^lights eh here. [0431] No grey either, black is what I should have said. [0432] Nothing then but me, of whom I know nothing, except that I have never spoken ^uttered, and this black, of which I know nothing either, except that it is black, and empty. [0433] That then is what, having ^{since I have} to speak, I shall speak of, until I no longer have to speak ^{need speak no more}. [0435] And Basil and consorts ^{his gang}? [0436] Inexistent, inc^vented to explain I g^forget what. [0437] Ah yes, [0438] all lies, [0439] God and man, nature and the light of day, the heart's outpourings and the means of understanding, all invented, basesly , by me alone, with the help of nobody, since there is nobody, so as not to ^{to put off the hour when I [⁁] must} speak of myself ^me. [0440] There will be no more about them.

[0441] I, of whom I know nothing, I know my eyes are open, because of the tears that flow ^pour from them unceasing[⁁]^ly. [0442] I know I am seated, my hands on my knees, because of the pressure against my but- ^rump tocks, against the soles of my feet, against the palms of my hands, against my knees. [0443] Against my my palms the pressure sⁱs of my knees, against my knees of my palms , but what is it that presses against my buttocks ^rump, against the sole^s of my g^feet? [0444] I don't know. [0445] My back is not supported. [0446] I meantion these details to make sure I am not lying on my back, my legs raised and bent at the knees, and my eyes closed. [0447] It is as well to establish the position of the body from the outset, before passing on to more important matters. [0448] But what makes me say that I look ^gaze[p. 18r] straight before me, as I have said? [0449] I feel my back straight, my necj^k straight ^{rigid erect [Stet]} and untwisted ^{free of twist} and up on top of it the head, like the ball of the cup-and-ball in its cup[⁁] ^{socket cup} at the op top ^{at the end at the top} of the little rod ^stick. [0450] These comparisons are out of place ^{uncalled for}. [0451] Then there is the way of flowing of my tears which flow all over my g^face, and even down along the neck, in a way it seems to me they could not do, if the face were bowed, or thrown back ^{lifted up}. [0452] But I must not confue confuse the straightness of the ^{erectness erect unbowed} head with the levelness of the gaze, nor the vertical plane with the horizontal. [0453] This question in any case is secondary, since I see nothing. [0454] Amd I clothed? [0455] I have often asked myself this question, then suddenly started talking about Malone's hat, or Molloy's greatcoat, or Murphy's suit. [0456] If I am, I am ^but lightly so. [0457] For I feel my tears trickling ^coursing over my chest, my sides, and all down my back. [0458] Ah yes, I am truly bathed in tears. [0459] They gather in my beard and from there ^thence, when it can hold no more — no, I have no beard, no hair either, it is a great smooth ball that I carry on my shoulders, featureless, except ^but for the eyes, of which only the sockets remain. [0460] And but for the distant evidence of my palms, my sl soles,[⁁] ^{which I haven't yet been able to get rid of} I would gladly give mt^yself the shape, if not the consoⁱstency, of an egg, with two holes no matter where to prevent it from bursting, [0461] for the consistency is ^{looks is} more like that of mucilage. [0462] But softly, softly, otherwise I shall ^never get there ^{I'll never arrive}. [0463] So as far as ^{In the matter of} clothes are concerned ^then I can think of nothing ^{for the moment} but ^possibly puttees for the moment, with perhaps a few rags clin^ging to me here and there. [0464] I shall say n^No more obscenities either. [0465] Why should I have a sex, who have no longer a nose? [0466] All those things have fallen, all the things that stick o out, with my eyes[p. 19r] out, with my eyes my hair, without leaving a trace, fallen so far so deep that I heard nothing, perhaps are falling still, my hair slowly like soot still, of the fall of my ears heard nothing. [0467] No need, I feel my mean soul still, [⁁]^{Mean words, and needless, from the mean old spirit,} I invented love, music, the smell of flowering currant, to escape from me. [0468] Oe^rgans, a without, it's ^it's easy to imagine, others, a g^God, it's unavoidable, you imagine them, it's easy, the trouble dies ^{worst is dulled,} away, you doze away, an instant. [0469] Yes, God, fomenter of calm, I n never believed, not an instant. [0470] I shall make no more pauses either. [0471] Can I keep nothing then, nothing of what has carried ^borne my poor thouhgts , bent beneath my words, while I hid? [0472] I shall ^I'll dry thes e these streaming sockets too, bung them ^[⁁]up, there, it's done, no more tears, I'm a book ^big talking ball, talking about things that do not exist, or that exist perhaps, that is ^{impossible to know,} not beside the point. [0473] Ah yes, quick let me change my tune. [0474] And after all why a ball, rather than something else, and why big? [0475] Why not a cylinder, a small cylinder? [0476] An egg, a medium-sized egg? [0477] No no, that's the old nonsense, I always knew I was round, solid and round, without daring to say so, smooth and whole ^{no asperities,}, no apert- ^openings ures, invisible perhaps, or as vast as Sirius in the Great Dog, these expressions mean nothing. [0478] All that matters is for me to ^{that I am} be hard[ ²] and round[ ¹], there are certainly ^{must be} reasons for that, for my being hard[ ²] and round[ ¹] rather than of some irregular shape and liable ^subject to the dents and bulges caused by the various kinds of ^{incident to shock} collision, but I have done with reasons. [0479] All the rest can be ^{I renounce} discarded, including this ridiculous black which I thought for a moment worthier than grey to enfold me.[p. 20r] a moment more worthy ^worthier than grey to enfold me. [0480] What nonsense ^rubbish all this business ^stuff about light and dark. [0481] And how I have wallowed in it. [0482] But f^do I roll, like ^{in the manner of} a true ball? Or am I in equilibrium somewhere, on one of my innumerable ^numberless poles? [0483] I feel strongly tempted to know ^{enquire discover}. [0484] What a chunk ^slice of discourse ^reams I could squeeze ^elicit from this apparently so legitimate preoccupation. [0485] But which would not be credited to me. [0486] No, between me and the right to silence, the living rest ^{to rest before I end}, stretches the same old lesson, the lesson ^one I knew by heart and would not say, I don't know why, ^perhaps for fear of the silence perhaps, or thinking any old thing would do, and so lies for preference, in order to remaijⁿ hidden. ^, [0487] No ^no importance. [0488] But now I shall say my lesson, if I can remember it. [0489] Under the skies, on the roads, in the towns, in the woods, in the mountains ^hills, in the plains, by the seas ^shores, on the waves ^sea, behind my mannikins, I was not always sad, I wasted^ing my time, abjured^ing my rights, suffered^ing for nothing, forgot^getting my lesson. [Stet] [0490] Then a little hee^ll after my own heart, ^{not too cruel,} with a few nice damned to hang ^foist my groans on, something sighing off and on and the far off ^distant gleams of pity's flames fires biding their hour to promote us to ashes. [0491] I speak, speak, because I must, but I do not listen, I seek after my lesson, my life I used to know and would not confess, whence possibly an occasional slight lack of limpidity. [0492] And perhal^ps now once again I shall do no more than seek after my lesson, and fail ^never to say it, to the self-accompaniment of a language ^tongue that is not mine. [0493] But instead of saying what I should not say have said, and what I shall say no more, ^{if I can,} and what I shall say perhaps, if I can, should In I not rather say some other thing, even though it be ^is not yet the right thing? [0494] I shall ^I'll [Stet] try, I shall ^I'll try in another present, even though it be not yet mine, without pauses, without tears, without eyes, without reasons. [0495] Let us assume ^{it be assumed} [Stet] then that I am at rest, ^{though it's} unimportant though this is, at rest or rolling never still, through the air or in contact with other surfaces, or that I sometimes roll ^move, sometimes rest, since I fel^el nothing, neither quietude[p. 21r] nor change, nothing that can serve as a pi^oint of departure towards an opinion on this subject, which would not greatly matter if I disposed of ^possessed some general notions, and with that ^then the use of my reason, but there it is, I feel nothing^{, know nothing,} and as far as thinking is concerned I do ^it just enough to keep me from going silent, you can't call that thinking.