MS-HRC-SB-5-9-2

[p. 39v]
DOODLE 73 DOODLE 74 DOODLE 75

[1993] [p. 40r] fat lot of difference that makes, oh it's not necessarily the Sahara, there are others, it's the ozone that matters, he'll need ozone, in the beginning, yes indeed, in the end too, it sterilizes. [1994] The master. [1996] But this livid eye, what good ^use is to him, finally? [1997] To see the light, they call that seeing, no objection, since it makes him suffer causes him suffering, they call that suffering, they know how to cause suffering, their master told explained to them, Do this, do that, you'll see him writhe, you'll hear him weep. [1998] He weeps, it's a fact, oh not a very firm one, to be taken advantage of without delay quick. [1999] As for the writhing, nothing xx nothing doing. [2000] But there is this to be said, it's just things are only beginning, though long since begun, they won't get disheartened, they'll remember the motto of William the Silent and keep on talking. [2001] It's their function, what does xxxing and their function, results matter nothing to them. That's what they're paid for, results or no results. [2002] Enough about them, they can talk of nothing else, all comes from them, but for them there'd be nothing, not even Worm, he's an idea they have, a word they use, when speaking of them, enough about them. [2003] But this grey, this light, if he could escape from this light, which makes him suffer, is it not obvious that it would make him suffer more and more, in whatever direction he went, since he is at the centre, and must would drive him back there, necessarily, after 40 or 50 vain excursions? [2004] No, that it is not obvious. [2005] For it is obvious that the light would lessen as he went towards it, they would take good care of that, to make him think he was on the right road and so bring him to the wall. [2006] Then the blaze, the capture and the paean. [2007] As long as he suffers there's hope, even though they do n don't need it, to make him suffer. [2008] But how can they know he suffers? [2009] Do they see him? [2010] They say they do. [2011] But it's impossible. [2012] Do they hear him? [2013] Certainly not. [2014] He makes no noise. [2015] Perhaps he does with his weeping. [2016] In any case they are easy in their minds, rightly or wrongly, he suffers, and thanks to them. [2017] Oh not yet sufficiently, but gently does it. [2018] An ex An excess of severity, at this stage, might darken his understanding for ever. [2019] Another thing. [2020] The problem is delicate. [2021] The dulling force of habit, what about it? [2022] They can combat it, raising the voice, increasing the light. [2023] But supposing, instead of suffering

[p. 40v]
DOODLE 76 DOODLE 77 DOODLE 78

[2023] [p. 41r] less, as time passes, he continues to suffer as much, no more no less as much, precisely, as the first day? [2024] That must be possible. [2025] And but supposing, instead of suffering less than the first day, or as much, he suffers more, as time passes, more and more more and more, as time passes, and the transfer is effected, the metaphor meta metaphor metamorphosis is accomplished, of unchanging future into unchangeable past. [2026] xx Another thing, but of a different order. [2027] The affair is thorny. [2028] Is not a uniform suffering preferable to one which, by its ups and downs, is liable at certain moments to encourage the view that perhaps after all it will not last for ever? [2029] That must depend on what is aimed at the object pursued. [2030] That is to say? Namely? [2031] A little access of impatience, on the part of the patient. [2032] Thank you. [2033] That's the immediate object. [2034] Afterwards there will be others. [2035] Afterwards he'll be taught to stay quiet. [2036] For the moment let him xxx toss and fidget ^turn at least, roll sprawl roll on the ground, damn it all, since there's no other remedy, anything, to break the monotony. [2037] They waste no time look at the burnt alive, Damn it all, look at the burnt alive, they don't have ^wait to be told, when they're ^not tied down, to rush about in every direction, without method, crackling, in search of a little cool. [2038] There are some who even have the sang-froid to throw themselves out of the window. [2039] They don't No one asks him to go that far.[2040] May he Let him try xxx ^{But simply} to ^{But simply to} discovers for himself without assistance further assistance the consolations of flight from self, that's all, he won't go far, he won't need to go far. [2041] xxx To find within himself a palliative for what he is, through no fault of his own. [2042] To imitate the hussar who gets up on a chair the better to adjust the plume on his busby, it's the least he might do. [2043] No one asks him to ^think reason, simply to suffer suffer, always in the same way, without hope of diminution, without hope of dissolution, it's no more complicated than that. [2044] No need to reason ^{think in order} to be without hope. [2045] Agreed then on monotony, it's more stimulating. [2046] But how can it be ensured? [2047] No matter, no no no no No matter, no matter, No matter how, no matter how, they're doing the best they can, with the wretched means at their disposal, a voice, a little light, the poor devils, that's what they're paid for, they

[p. 41v]
DOODLE 79 DOODLE 80 DOODLE 81 DOODLE 82

[2047] [p. 42r] say, No signs of hardening, no signs of softening, impossible to say, no matter, it's a good average, we have only to continue, one day he'll understand, one day he'll thrill, the little spasm will come, a change in the eye, and cast him up among us. [2048] To be on the watch out and never espy, to wait for listen for the moan that never comes, that's not a life worth living either. [2049] And yet it's theirs. [2050] He is there, says the master, somewhere, do as I tell you, bring him to me, he's lacking to my glory. [2051] But one last effort, one more, perhaps it may be the last, that's the way, each time as if it were the last time, it's the only way not to lose ground. [2052] A great gulp of stinking air and off we go, we'll be back in a minute. [2053] Forward! [2054] That's an easy thing to say. [2055] But where is forward? [2056] And for what purpose? [2057] The dirty pack of fake maniacs, they know I don't know, they know I forget everything, all they say as fast as they say it. [2058] These little pauses are a poor trick too. [2059] When they go silent, so do I. [2060] A second later. [2061] I'm a second behind them, I remember a second, for the space of a second, long enough to give it out, as received, while receiving the next, which is no good to me either. [2062] Not an instant I can call my own and they want me to know where next to turn. [2063] Ah I know what I'd know, and where I'd turn, if my head obeyed me. [2064] Let them tell me again what I'm doing, if they want me to look as I were xxxing it. [2065] This tone, these words, to make me think they are mine. [2066] Always the same cheap tricks, ever xxx since their they took it into their heads that my existence were ^is only a question of time. [2067] I think I have black-outs, whole sentences lost, xxx no, not whole. [2068] Perhaps I've missed keyword of the whole business. [2069] I wouldn't have understood it, but I would have said, that's all that's asked, it would be xxxed xx xx spoken in my favour, the next time they judge me, well well, so they judge me from time to time, they are conscientious. [2070] Perhaps one day I'll know, say, what I am guilty of. [2071] How many of us are there altogether, finally? [2072] And who is talking at present?[2073] And to whom? [2074] And about what? [2075] These are futile teasers. [2076] Let them put in my mouth at last the words that will save me, xxx damn me, and no more talk about it, no more talk about

[p. 42v]
DOODLE 83 DOODLE 84 DOODLE 85 DOODLE 86

[2076] [p. 43r] anything. [2077] But this is my punishment, my crime is my xxx punishment, it's that they judge me for, I expiate sinfully, like a pig, dumb, uncomprehending, du xx xx deprived possessed of no other utterance than theirs. [2078] They'll clap me in a dungeon, I xx I'm in a dungeon, I've always been in a dungeon, I hear everything, every word they say, there is no other sound, as if it were I speaking, alone ^{to myself}, out loud, in the end you don't know any more, a voice that never stops, where it's coming from. [2079] Perhaps there others here, with me, it's dark, very properly, it is not necessarily an oubliette for one, or one other, perhaps I have a companion in misfortune, fond of talking, or obliged to talk, you know, nonsense, out loud, without ceasing, but I think not, what do I not think, that I have a companion in misfortune, that's it, that would surprise me greatly, if they are nasty to me, but not to that extent, they say that wd. surprise me. [2080] I must doze off off now every now & then, with my eyes open. [2081] And yet I feel no breach of continuity, I do not drift away, I do not drift back. [2082] xxx Moments of wakefulness more likely, brief moments of semi-wakefulness. [2083] But nothing changes, ever. [2084] That is to say one forgets. [2085] Holes, there have always been holes, it's the voice stopping, it's the voice failing to reach me, what can that matter, perhaps it's important, the result is the same, perh one perhaps that doesn't count, for once in a way. [2086] Ah resolutions. [2087] They shut me up here, now they are trying to get me out, to shut me up elsewhere, or to let me go, they are capable of putting me out, just to see what I'll do. [2088] Standing with their backs to the door, their arms folded, their legs crossed, they would observe me. [2089] Or all they did was to find me here, at their arrival, or long afterwards. [2090] They are not interested in me, only in the place, they want the place, for one of their own. [2091] What can one do, but speculate, speculate, until one hits on the speculation. happy speculation. [2092] When all goes silent, and comes to an end, it will be because the words have been said, those it behoved to say, they'll never be known no need to know which, no way means of knowing which, they'll be there somewhere, in the heap, in the torrent, not necessarily the last, they have to be authenticated by the proper authority, that takes time, he's a long way off, the proper authority, they bring him the procès-verbal ^{verbatim report}, every once a, he knows the words that count, it's he who chose them,

[p. 43v]
addition 18→
addition 19→
addition 20→
addition 21→

[2092] [p. 44r] in the meantime the voice continues, while the messenger goes towards the master, and while the master reads, and while the messenger comes back, with the verdict, the voice words continue, xxx the wrong words, until the order arrives, to stop everything, or to continue everything, no, superfluous, everything will continue automatically, until the order arrives to stop everything. [2093] They are perhaps there, somewhere, in what they have just said, the words that had to be said, they are not necessarily numerous need not be more than a few. [2094] They say they, speaking of them, to make me think it is I who am speaking. [2095] Or I say they, speaking of god knows what, to make me think it is not I who am speaking. [2096] Or rather there is silence, from the moment the messenger departs, until his return with the master's xx order, namely, Continue. [2097] For there are long silences, from time to time, truces, and then I hear them murmur whisper, some whi perhaps whispering, It's over, this time we've drawn blood ^{hit the mark}, and the others, We'll have to start all over again do it all over again, in other te words, or in the same words, differently arranged. [2098] Respite then once a, if one can call that a respite respite is the word for it one can call that a respite, when one waits to know one's fate, saying, Perhaps it's not that at all, and saying, Where do these words come from that pour from ^{out of} my mouth, and what do they mean, no, saying nothing, for the words have come to a stop ^{stopped stopped}, if x one can call that waiting, when there is no reason, and one listens, that stet, without reason, as from the beginning, because one day the listening began, because it cannot stop, that's not a reason, if one can call that respite. [2099] But what is this business about not being able to die, live, be born, that must xx have some significance, this business about staying where you are, dying, living, being b being born, unable to go forward, or back, x not knowing where you came from, where you are, where you're going, or that it's possible, to be elsewhere, or otherwise, be otherwise to be otherwise, supposing nothing, asking yourself nothing, you can't, you are there, who you don't know, where you don't know, the thing stays where it is, nothing changes, in it, about it, apparently, apparently. [2100] There's nothing to do but wait for the end, there's nothing but for the end to come, ^{The only thing is to wait for the end, the only thing is for the end to come,} and at the end it will be the same thing, at the end at last perhaps the same thing as before, xxx all that long time, when the only thing was to get to the end, or fly from it, or wait for it in trembling ^{for it xxx}, or