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[p. 06r(2)] [0180]
probably the most pleasing to me. [0181] In a word: no change since I
have been here, here, apparently; disorder of the lights perhaps
an illusion; all change to be feared; incomprehensible uneasiness.
[0182] That I am not esotone deaf appears clearly from the sounds is shown by the sounds that come to that
reach me. [0183] For though the silence here is almost total unbroken, it is not
completely so. [0184] I remember the first sound heard in this place, I
have aoften heard it since. [0185] For I am onbliged to assume a beginning
to my sojourn residence here, if only for convenience of the exposition. sake of clarity. [0186] Hell itself, al[⁁]though eternal, dates from the revolt of Lucifer. [0187] It is therefore permissible, in the light of this distant remote analogy,
to think of myself as being here for ever, but not as having been here
for ever. [0188] This will greatly help me in my relation. [0189] Memory notably,
which I did not think myself entitled to call up[⁁]on though I could not draw upon did not think myself entitled to draw upon, will have its
word to say, if necessary. [0190] This represents at least a thousand words
I was not counting on had not reckoned with.[Stet] [0191] I may
well need well be glad of them. [0192] So after a long period
of immaculate silence a feeble cry was heard, by me. [0193] I do not know
if Malone heard it too. [0194] I was surprised, the word is not too strong. [0195] After so long a silence a little cry, stifled forthwith outright. [0196] As to determining wWhat kind of xcreature uttered it and, continues, if it is
the same, to do so, every now and then, impossible.[⁁] still does, from time to time? There is no knowing. impossible to say.[⁁] [0197] Not a human one
creature in any case, there are no ghuman creatures here, or if there
are they havinge finished done with crying. [0198] Is Malone the guilty one culprit.? [0199] Am I? [0200] Is it not perhaps a simple little fart, they can be rending? [0201] Deplorable mania, when something happens, of wanting to know to want inquire what. [0202] If only I were not obliged to manifest. [0203] And why speak of a cry? [0204] It is perhaps something breaking, some two things colliding. [0205] There are
sounds here, from time to time, let that suffice. [0206] This
one to be
cry to begin with, since it was the first. [0207] And others, rather different. [0208] I am getting to know them. [0209] I do not know them all. [0210] A man may
die at the age of seventy without ever having had the possibility
of seeing Halley's comet.
[0211] It would help me, since to me too I must attribute a beginning,[p. 07r] if I could
relate it situate it in relation relate it to that of my abode. [0212] Did I wait somewhere for this place to be ready to receive me? [0213] Or did it wait for me to come and people it? [0214] By far the better
of these hypotheses, from the point of view of usefulness, is
the former, and I shall often have occasion to use it make use employ
of it. [0215] But both are distasteful. [0216] I shall say therefore that our
beginnings coincide, that this place was made for me and I for it,
at the same instant. [0217] And the sounds I do not yet know have not
yet made themselves heard. [0218] But they will change nothing. [0219] The cry
changed nothing, even the first time. [0220] And my surprise.? [0221] I must have
been expecting it.
[0222] It is no doubt time I gacve a companion to Malone. [0223] But first I
shall tell of an incident that has only occurred once, so far. [0224] I await its recurrence without impatience. [0225] Two shapes then, oblong like lman, entered into collision before me. [0226] They fell and I
saw them no more. [0227] I naturally thought of the pseudo-couple Mercier-Camier. [0228] The next time they enter the field, moving slowly towards
one each another, I shall know they are going to collide, fall and disappear, and perhaps that this perhaps will enable me to observe them better. [0229] False Wrong. [0230] I continue to see Malone as darkly as the first time. [0231] My
eyes being fixed always in the same direction, I can only see I
shall not say clearly, but as clearly as the visibility permits,
that which takes place directly immediately in front of me, that is to say,
in the present case before us, the collision, followed by the fall
and disappearance. [0232] Of their approach I shall never obtain other
than a confused glimpse, out of the corner of the eye, and what an
eye. [0233] For they too must have arrived along a curve, two curves, and needless to say
say right up beside hard by against me. [0234] For the visibility, unless it is the state
of my eyesight, does only permits me to see what is right up beside hard by against
me. [0235] OI may add that my seat seems wd. seem to be somewhat raised elevated, in relation
to the surrounding ground, if ground is what it is. [0236] Perhaps it is
water or some other liquid. [0237] With the result that, in order to obtain the optimum view of what takes place in front of me, I should
lower my eyesa a little. [0238] But I no longer lower my eyes. [0239] In a word[p. 08r] I only see what appears
directyly immediately in front of me;, and I only see what
appears up beside hard by me;, and what I best see I see ill.
[0240] Why did I have myself represented in the midst of men, the light
of day? [0241] It seems to me it was none of my doing. [0242] We won't go into it
now. [0243] I can see them still, my delegates. [0244] The things they have told
me! About men, the light of day. [0245] I refused to believe them. [0246] But some
of it has stuck. [0247] But when, through what channels, did I communicate
with these gentlemen? [0248] Did they intrude on me ehere? [0249] No, no one has ever
intruded on me here. [0250] ZElsewhere then. [0251] But I have never been elsewhere. [0252] But I it can only have been from them that I learnt what I know about men and
the ways they have of putting up with it. [0253] It does not amount to
much. [0254] I could have dispensed with it. [0255] I do not don't say it was all to no
purpose. [0256] I could I'll could make use of it, if I had have had to. I'll make use of it, if I'm driven to it. [0257] It would not won't be the first time. [0258] What ^puzzles me is the thought of being indebted for this
knowledge information[↙] knowledge to persons with whom I can never have communicated been in contact. [0259] But
there it is. [0260] Unless the knowledge it is innate knowledge, like that
of good and evil. [0261] That This seems unlikely to me. [0262] An iInnate knowledge of
my mother, for example, is that it conceivable.? [0263] Not for me. [0264] UI heard
about her from them. [0265] She was one of their favoruite subjects topics subjects, of conversation. [0266] They also gave me the lowdown on God. [0267] They told me I was
answerable to him, in the last analsy analysis. [0268] They had it on the
reliable authority of his representatives agents at Bally I forget what,
this being the place, according to them, where the inestimable gift of life had been forced upon me[⁁] been rammed down my gullet. [0270] But what they were most anxious for
me to swallow was my fellow creatures. [0271] In this they were without pity mercy. [0272] I remember nothing about these conversations lectures. [0273] I can have I cannot
have understood a great deal. [0274] But I seem to have retained some descriptions, in spite of myself. [0275] They lectured me on gave me lectures courses
on love, on intelligence, most useful, most useful. [0277] They also taught
me how to count, how to reason. [0278] Some of this stuff rubbish has occasionally come in handy,
I don't deny it handy on occacions on occasions, I don't deny it, on occasions
which would never have arisen if they had left me alone in peace. [0279] I use it
still, to scratch myself with. [0280] Low types they were must have been, theyir pockets full[p. 09r] of
venom poisons and caustic antidotes. [0281] Perhaps these courses were by correspondence. [0282] And yet I seem to know their faces. [0283] From photographs perhaps. [0284] When
did all this claptrap nonsense stop? [0285] And has it stopped? [0286] A few last questions. [0287] Is it just a lull? [0288] There were four or five of them, mauling at
me, . tThey called that presenting their report. [0289] One in particular,
Basil I thingk he was called, filled me with loathing hatred. [0290] Without
opening his mouth, fixing fastening on me his eyes spent like cinders with all their seeing, he changed me a little more each time into what he wanted me
yto be. [0291] Is he still staring glaring at me, from the shadows? [0292] Is he still
usur^ping my name, they one they saddled on me, me with, out there in their
world, patiently, from season to season? [0293] No, no, here I am safe, in safety,
amusing myself wondering who can have inflicted[⁁] upon me dealt me these insignificant pointless insignificant
wounds.
[0294] The other advances full upon me. [0295] He emerges as from heavy hangings, advances a few steps, looks at me, then backs away. [0296] He is
stooped and seems to be dragging in his hands invisible burdens I cannot
see. [0297] What I see best is his hat. [0298] The top crown is all worn away,
like the sole of an old boot, and a few grey[⁁] giving vent to a few stray grey hairs straggle through. [0299] He raises his eyes and I feel the long imploring gaze, as if I
could do something for him. [0300] Another impression, euqaually false no
doubt: he brings me presents and dare not give them. [0301] He takes them
away again, or else he dlets them fall, and they disappear vanish. [0302] He does
not come often, I cannot be more precise, but regularly assurredly. [0303] His visit has never coincided, up till to now, with the passing of
transit of Malone. [0304] But perhaps some day it will. [0305] That would not
necessarily be a violation of the order reigning prevailing here. [0306] For if I
am in a position to calculate can work out to within a few inches the orbit of
Malone, assuming perhaps erroneously that he passes before me at
a distance of three feet, with regard to the other's itinerary career — course I
am in the dark. For I am incapable not only of calculating time
measuring time, which in itself is sufficient to vitiate preclude all computation, calculation in this connexion, but also of comparing their respective
velocities. DOODLE 3 [0307] So I cannot tell if I shall ever be so fortunate enough as[p. 10r] to see the 2 of them
both together. [0308] But I am inclined to think I shall. [0309] For if I were necver to see the two of them both together, then it
would follow, or should follow, that between their respective
appearances the interval does not vary. [0310] No, I am wrong. [0311] For
the interval may [⁁] well vary considerably, and it seems to me it does,
without ever being abolished. [0312] Nevertheless I am inclibned to
think, because of this erratic irregular interval, that my two visitors
will meet some day[⁁] may some day meet before my eyes, collide and perhaps knock each other down. [0313] I have said that here all things recur sooner or later, no, I
was going to say it, then I thought better of it. [0314] But is it
not possible that this does not apply to encuounters? [0315] The only enc
encounter I ever witnessed, a long time ago now, has not yet
been repeated? reapeated. [0316] It was perhaps the end of something. [0317] And iI shall perhaps be rid of delivered from Malone and the other, not that
they disturb me, the day I see the 2 of them bloth together, ha that is to
say in collision. [0318] Unfortunately they are not the only disturbers o
of my peace. [0319] Others come towrads me, pass before me, wheel a
nbout
me. [0320] And no doubt others still, whom I have not yet seen. as yet invisible so far. [0321] I repeat they do
not disturb me. [0322] But in the long run it might become wearisome. [0323] I don't see how. [0324] But the possibility must be taken into account. [0325] One starts things moving without a thought of how to stop
them. [0326] In order to speak. [0327] One starts to speak as if it were
possible to stop at will. [0328] It is better so. [0329] The search for the
means to put an end to things, an end to speech, is what enables
the discourse to continue. [0330] No, I must not try and to think, [0331] simply
state. [0332] Method or no method I shall have to banish them in any the end,
case, the things, shapes, sounds and lights with which my haste
to speak has encumbered this pla[p. 11r] to speak has encumbered this place.
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