MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[p. 06r(2)] [0180] probably the most pleasing to me. [0181] In a word: no change since I have been here, here, apparently; disorder of the lights perhaps an illusion; all change to be feared; incomprehensible uneasiness.

[0182] That I am not e^so^tone deaf appears clearly from the sounds ^{is shown by the sounds that come to} that reach me. [0183] For though the silence here is almost total ^unbroken, it is not completely so. [0184] I remember the first sound heard in this place, I have a^often heard it since. [0185] For I am on^bliged to assume a beginning to my sojourn ^residence here, if only for convenience of the exposition. ^{sake of clarity.} [0186] Hell itself, ^al[⁁]though eternal, dates from the revolt of Lucifer. [0187] It is therefore permissible, in the light of this distant ^remote analogy, to think of myself as ^being here for ever, but not as having been here for ever. [0188] This will greatly help me in my relation. [0189] Memory notably, which I did not think myself entitled to call ^up[⁁]on ^{though I could not draw upon did not think myself entitled to draw upon}, will have its word to say, if necessary. [0190] This represents at least a thousand words I was not counting on ^{had not reckoned with}.[Stet] [0191] I may well need ^{well be glad of} them. [0192] So after a long period of immaculate silence a feeble cry was heard, by me. [0193] I do not know if Malone heard it too. [0194] I was surprised, the word is not too strong. [0195] After so long a silence a little cry, stifled forthwith ^outright. [0196] As to determining w^What kind of x^creature uttered it and^, continues, if it is the same, to do so, every now and then, impossible.[⁁] ^{still does, from time to time? There is no knowing. impossible to say.[⁁]} [0197] Not a human ^one creature in any case, there are no g^human creatures here, or if there are they having^e finished ^{done with} crying. [0198] Is Malone the guilty one ^culprit.^? [0199] Am I? [0200] Is it not perhaps a simple little fart, they can be rending? [0201] Deplorable mania, when something happens, of wanting to know ^{to want inquire} what. [0202] If only I were not obliged to manifest. [0203] And why speak of a cry? [0204] It is perhaps something breaking, ^some two things colliding. [0205] There are sounds here, from time to time, let that suffice. [0206] This one to be cry to begin with, since it was the first. [0207] And others, rather different. [0208] I am getting to know them. [0209] I do not know them all. [0210] A man may die at the age of seventy without ever having had the possibility of seeing Halley's comet.

[0211] It would help me, since to me too I must attribute a beginning,[p. 07r] if I could relate it situate it in relation ^{relate it} to that of my abode. [0212] Did I wait somewhere for this place to be ready to receive me? [0213] Or did it wait for me to come and people it? [0214] By far the better of these hypotheses, from the point of view of usefulness, is the former, and I shall often have occasion to use it make use ^employ of it. [0215] But both are distasteful. [0216] I shall say therefore that our beginnings coincide, that this place was made for me and I for it, at the same instant. [0217] And the sounds I do not yet know have not yet made themselves heard. [0218] But they will change nothing. [0219] The cry changed nothing, even the first time. [0220] And my surprise.^? [0221] I must have been expecting it.

[0222] It is no doubt time I gac^ve a companion to Malone. [0223] But first I shall tell of an incident that has only occurred once, so far. [0224] I await its recurrence without impatience. [0225] Two shapes then, oblong like l^man, entered into collision before me. [0226] They fell and I saw them no more. [0227] I naturally thought of the pseudo-couple Mercier-Camier. [0228] The next time they enter the field, moving slowly towards one ^each another, I shall know they are going to collide, fall and disappear, and perhaps that ^{this perhaps} will enable me to observe them better. [0229] False ^Wrong. [0230] I continue to see Malone as darkly as the first time. [0231] My eyes being fixed always in the same direction, I can only see I shall not say clearly, but as clearly as the visibility permits, that which takes place directly ^immediately in front of me, that is to say, in the present case before us, the collision, followed by the fall and disappearance. [0232] Of their approach I shall never obtain other than a confused glimpse, out of the corner of the eye, and what an eye. [0233] For they too must have arrived along a curve, ^{two curves,} and needless to ^say say right up beside ^{hard by against} me. [0234] For the visibility, unless it is the state of my ^eyesight, does only permits me to see what is right up beside ^{hard by against} me. [0235] O^I may add that my seat seems ^{wd. seem} to be somewhat raised ^elevated, in relation to the surrounding ground, if ground is what it is. [0236] Perhaps it is water or some other liquid. [0237] With the result that, in order to obtain the optimum view of what takes place in front of me, I should lower my eyesa a little. [0238] But I no longer lower my eyes. [0239] In a word[p. 08r] I only see what appears directy^ly ^immediately in front of me;^{, and} I only see what appears up beside ^{hard by} me;^{, and} what I best see I see ill.

[0240] Why did I have myself represented in the midst of men, the light of day? [0241] It seems to me it was none of my doing. [0242] We won't go into it now. [0243] I can see them still, my delegates. [0244] The things they have told me! About men, the light of day. [0245] I refused to believe them. [0246] But some of it has stuck. [0247] But when, through what channels, did I communicate with these gentlemen? [0248] Did they intrude on me e^here? [0249] No, no one has ever intruded on me here. [0250] Z^Elsewhere then. [0251] But I have never been elsewhere. [0252] But I ^it can only have been from them ^that I learnt ^{what I know} about men and the ways they have of putting up with it. [0253] It does not amount to much. [0254] I could have dispensed with it. [0255] I do not ^don't say it was all to no purpose. [0256] I could ^{I'll could} make use of it, if I had ^{have had} to. ^{I'll make use of it, if I'm driven to it.} [0257] It would not ^won't be the first time. [0258] What ^^puzzles me is the thought of being indebted for this knowledge ^{information[↙] knowledge} to persons with whom I can never have communicated ^{been in contact}. [0259] But there it is. [0260] Unless the knowledge it is innate knowledge, like that of good and evil. [0261] That ^This seems unlikely to me. [0262] An i^Innate knowledge of my mother, for example, is that ^it conceivable.^? [0263] Not for me. [0264] U^I heard about her from them. [0265] She was one of their favoruite subjects ^{topics subjects}, of conversation. [0266] They also gave me the lowdown on God. [0267] They told me I was answerable to him, in the last analsy analysis. [0268] They had it on the reliable authority of his representatives ^agents at Bally I forget what, this being the place, according to them, where the inestimable gift of life had been forced upon me[⁁] ^{been rammed down my gullet}. [0270] But what they were most anxious for me to swallow was my fellow creatures. [0271] In this they were without pity ^mercy. [0272] I remember nothing about these conversations ^lectures. [0273] I can have I cannot have understood a great deal. [0274] But I seem to have retained some descriptions, in spite of myself. [0275] They lectured me on gave me lectures ^courses on love, on intelligence, most useful, most useful. [0277] They also taught me how to count, how to reason. [0278] Some of this stuff ^rubbish has ^occasionally come in handy, I don't deny it handy on occacions ^{on occasions}, I don't deny it, on occasions which would never have arisen if they had left me alone ^{in peace}. [0279] I use it still, to scratch myself with. [0280] Low types they were ^{must have been}, they^ir pockets full[p. 09r] of venom ^poisons and caustic ^antidotes. [0281] Perhaps these courses were by correspondence. [0282] And yet I seem to know their faces. [0283] From photographs perhaps. [0284] When did all this claptrap ^nonsense stop? [0285] And has it stopped? [0286] A few last questions. [0287] Is it just a lull? [0288] There were four or five of them, mauling ^at me, ^. t^They called that presenting their report. [0289] One in particular, Basil I thing^k he was called, filled me with loathing ^hatred. [0290] Without opening his mouth, fixing ^fastening on me his eyes spent ^{like cinders} with all their seeing, he changed me a little more each time into what he wanted me y^to be. [0291] Is he still staring ^glaring at me, from the shadows? [0292] Is he still usur^^ping my name, they one they saddled on me, me with, ^{out there} in their world, patiently, from season to season? [0293] No, no, here I am safe, ^{in safety,} amusing myself wondering who can have inflicted[⁁] ^{upon me dealt me} these insignificant ^{pointless insignificant} wounds.

[0294] The other advances full upon me. [0295] He emerges as from heavy hangings, advances a few steps, looks at me, then backs away. [0296] He is stooped and seems to be dragging in his hands ^invisible burdens I cannot see. [0297] What I see best is his hat. [0298] The top crown is all worn away, like the sole of an old boot, and a few grey[⁁] ^{giving vent to a few stray grey} hairs straggle through. [0299] He raises his eyes and I feel the long imploring gaze, as if I could do something for him. [0300] Another impression, eu^qa^ually false no doubt: he brings me presents and dare not give them. [0301] He takes them away again, or else he d^lets them fall, and they disappear ^vanish. [0302] He does not come often, I cannot be more precise, but regularly assurr^edly. [0303] His visit has never coincided, up till ^to now, with the passing of transit of Malone. [0304] But perhaps some day it will. [0305] That would not necessarily be a violation of the order reigning ^prevailing here. [0306] For if I am in a position to calculate ^{can work out} to within a few inches the orbit of Malone, assuming perhaps erroneously that he passes before me at a distance of three feet, with regard to the other's itinerary ^{career — course} I am in the dark. For I am incapable not only of calculating time measuring time, which in itself is sufficient to vitiate ^preclude all computation, ^calculation in this connexion, but also of comparing their respective velocities. DOODLE 3 [0307] So I cannot tell if I shall ever be ^so fortunate enough ^as[p. 10r] to see ^{the 2 of} them ^both together. [0308] But I am inclined to think I shall. [0309] For if I were nec^ver to see ^{the two of} them both together, then it would follow, or should follow, that between their respective appearances the interval does not vary. [0310] No, I am wrong. [0311] For the interval may ^{[⁁] well} vary considerably, and it seems to me it does, without ever being abolished. [0312] Nevertheless I am inclibⁿed to think, because of this erratic ^irregular interval, that my two visitors will meet some day[⁁] ^{may some day meet before my eyes}, collide and perhaps knock each other down. [0313] I have said that here all things recur sooner or later, no, I was going to say it, then I thought better of it. [0314] But is it not possible that this does not apply to encu^ounters? [0315] The only enc encounter I ever witnessed, a long time ago now, has not yet been repeated? reapeated. [0316] It was perhaps the end of something. [0317] And i^I shall perhaps be rid of ^{delivered from} Malone and the other, not that they distu^rb me, the day I see ^{the 2 of} them bl^oth together, ha that is to say in collision. [0318] Unfortunately they are not the only disturbers o of my peace. [0319] Others come towrads me, pass before me, wheel an^bout me. [0320] And ^{no doubt} others still, whom I have not yet seen. ^{as yet invisible so far.} [0321] I repeat they do not disturb me. [0322] But in the long run it might become wearisome. [0323] I don't see how. [0324] But the possibility must be taken into account. [0325] One st^arts things moving without a thought of how to stop them. [0326] In order to speak. [0327] One starts to speak as if it were possible to stop at will. [0328] It is better so. [0329] The search for the means to put an end to things, an end to speech, is what enables the discourse to continue. [0330] No, I must not try and ^to think, [0331] simply state. [0332] Method or no method I shall have to banish them in any ^{the end,} case, the things, shapes, sounds and lights with which my haste to speak has encumbered this pla[p. 11r] to speak has encumbered this place.