MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[0712] he has told me what he is like, what I am like, they have all told[p. 31r] me that, it must be one of their main functions. [0713] It's isn't enough for me to ^{that I should} know what I am doing, I must also know what I am looking like. [0714] This time I am short of a leg. And yet it appears I have rejuvenated. [0715] That's part of the programme. [0716] Having brought me to death's door, senile gangrene, they whip off a leg and yip off I go again, like a young one, scouring the earth for a hole to hide in. [0717] A single leg and ^{on top of that} other distinguishing ^distinctive stigmata withal ^{to go with it}, human to be sure, but not exag^geratedly, unle otherwise ^lest I might take fright and refuse to nibble. [0718] He'll resign himself in the end, he'll own up in the end, that's the watchword. [0719] Let's try him this time with a hairless wedgehead, he might fancy that, that kind of talk. [0720] With the solitary leg in the middle, that might appeal to[m] to him. [0721] The poor bastards. [0722] They could stick an artificial anus in the hollow of my hand and still I wouldn't be there, alive with their life, not far short of a man, just barely a man, sufficiently a man to have hopes one day of being one, a true one, in their image, my avatars accomplished ^{behind me}. [0723] And yet sometimes it seems to me I am there, at ^{in among} the incriminated spots ^scenes, tottering under the attributes reserved ^peculiar to the lords of creation, dumb with howling to be put out of my misery, and all round me the spinach blue rustling with satisfaction. [0724] Yes, more than once I all but took myself for the other, all but suffered after his fashion, the space of an instant. [0725] Then they uncorked the champagne. [0726] One of us at last! [0727] Green with anguish! [0728] A real little terrestrial! [0729] Choking in the chlorophyll! [0730] Hugging the slaughter-house walls! [0731] They can't have got over it yet. ^{What a come down for them. [xxx] for nothing.} [0732] Palty^ry priests of the irrespressible ephemeral. ^{ephemeral , how they must hate me.} [0733] Come, my lambkin, join in our gamble^ols, it'd^s soon over, you'll see, just time to frolic with a lambkinette, that's jam. [0734] Love, there's a carrot never fails, I always had to thread sol some old bodkin. [0735] And that's the kind of jakes in which I sometimes dreamed^t I dwelled^t, and even let down my trousers. [0736] Mahood himself nearly codded me more than once. [0737] I've been he an instant, hobbling on his crutches through a nature which, it is only fair to say, was on the n^barren side and, what is more, it is only just[p. 32r] to add, tolerably deserted at the outset ^{in the beginning}. [0738] After every thrust of my crutches I stopped, to devour a narcotic and mesaure the distance cob^vered, the distance yet to cover. [0739] My head is there too, broad at the base, its slopes denuded, culminating in a ridge (crown of the edifice) ^{or crowning glory} strewn with long waving hairs like those that grow ofⁿ moles (naevi). [0740] No denying it, I'm confoundedly well informed. [0741] You must allow it was tempting. [0742] I say an instant, perhaps it was years. [0743] Then I withdrew my adhesion, it was getting too much of a good thing. [0744] I had already advanced a good ten paces, if one may call them pav^ces, not in a straight line needless to say ^{I needn't say}, but in a sharp curve which, if I continued to follow it, seemed likely to bring me back ^{restore me} to my point of departure, or hard by it ^{to one adjacent}. [0745] I must have ^got entangled ^{[⁁]caught up embroiled} in a kind of inverted spiral, I mean one the coils of which, instead of widening more and more, grow ^grew narrower and narrower and finally, given h^the kind of space in which I was supposed to evolve, would come to an end for lack of room. [0746] Faced then with the material impossibility of going any further I would ^should doubtless have had to stop, unless of course I elected to set off again at once in the opposite direction, to unscrew myself as it were, after having screwed myself to a standstill, [0747] which would have been an experience rich in interest and fertile in surprises if it is true, as ^{I am to believe what} I have been told, nolens volens ^{once had rammed down my ear}, namely that there is no road so dull, on the way out, but it ^that has ^not quite a different aspect, quite a different dulness, on the way back, and vice versa. [0748] No good wriggling, I'm a mine of uselful ^useless knowledge. [0749] But a difficulty arises here. [0750] For if by dint of winding myself up, if I may venture that ellipse, it doesn't often happen to me now, if by dint of winding myself up, I don't seem to have gained much time, if by dint of winding myself up I must inevitably find myself stuck in the end, incapable of going any further without diminishing in volume or literally entering into ^within myself, once launched in the opposite direction ought I not normally to be unwound ^{wound unfold} ad infinitum, with no possibility of my ever being arrested (checked)?, ^stopping,[p. 33r] the space in which I was marooned being globular, or is it the earth, no matter, I know what I mean. [0751] But come to think of it where is the difficulty? [0752] There was one a moment ago, I could swear to it. [0753] Not to mention that I could quite easily, at any moment, lietarlly any, run up against ^{foul of} a wall, a tree or other ^similar obstacle ^{barrier obstacle}, which of course it would be strictly forbidden to go round, and this would have put an end ^{thereby have an end put} to my gyrations as effectively as ^by the kind of cramp which has^d just seized upon ^{laid hold of} me. [0754] But ^obstacles, it appears^, one can remove obstacles ^{barriers can be removed}, in the fulness of toⁱme, but not the likes of ^by me, me they would stop dead, if I lived among them. [0755] But even apart from obstacles ^{this without obstacles} it seems to me that once beyond the equator you would start turning inwards again, ^out of sheer necessity, I have that feeling somehow . [0756] [^/ ]At the particular moment I am referring to, I mean when I took myself for Malone^hood, I must have been coming to the end of a world tour, perhaps not more than one or two centuries to go. [0757] My state of decay lends colour to this hypothesis, perhaps I had left my leg ^behind in the Pacific Ocean, yes, no perhaps about it, I undoubtedly had, somewhere off the coast of Java and its jungles red with rafflesia stinking of carrion, no, that's the Indian Ocean, what a gazteer gazeteer I am, no matter, somewhere in that neighbourhood ^{round there}. [0758] In a word I was returning to the fold, admir^ttedly reduced, and doubtless fated to be evehⁿ more so ^{become so even more}, before I could be ^being [Stet] restored to my wife and parents, you know, my loved ones, and clasp^ing in my arms, both of whix^ch I had succeeded in preser^ving, my children born during ⁱⁿ my absence. [0759] I found myself in a kind of vast yard or campus, surrounded by high walls, its surface an amalgam of dirt and ashes, and this seemed sweet to me after the vast and heaving wastes which I had travelled ^traversed, if my information was correct. [0760] I almos almost felt in safety ^{out of danger}! [0761] At the centre of this enclosure stood a small rotunda, windowless, but well equipped with loopholes. [0762] Without being sure I had seen it before, but ^{then you see} I had been so long from home, I kept saying to myself, Yonder is the sanc nest you should have never left, there your dear absent ones are awaiting[p. 34r] your return, patiently, and you too must be patient. [0763] It was swarming with them, grandpa, grandma, little mother and the eight or nine brats. [0764] With their eyes glued to the slits ^and they followed ^{observed witnessed surveyed} my efforts ^struggles, their hearts going out to me . [0765] This yard so long deserted was no^w enlived, t[h]a by me enlivened, ^{for them,} by me. [0766] So we turned, in our different orbits, they I without, they within. [0767] At night, keeping watch by turns, they on^bserved me with the help of a searchlight. [0768] So the seasons came and went. [0769] The children grew in stature, the periods of Ptomaine paled ^{grew pale}, the two old ones ^ancients glowered at each other, saying ^{to themselves}, I'll bury you yet, y^You'll bury me yet. [0770] Since my arrival they had a subject of conversation, and even of discussion, the same as of yore ^old, at the time of my departure ^{my setting forth}, perhaps even an interest in life, the same as of yore ^old. [0771] Time hung less heavy on their hands. [0772] What about throwing him a few scraps? [0773] No, no, it might upset him. [0774] They did not want to check the impetus that was sweeping me towards thel^m. [0775] You wouldn't know him! [0776] True, and yet somehow one ^{it can only be he} does ^{you can't mistake him}. [0777] They who in the ordinary way never answered when spoken to, my parents, my wife, she who had chosen ^{fastened on} me, rather than ^on one of her suitors. [0778] A few more summers and he'll be in our l^midst. [0779] Where am I going to put him? [0780] In the basement? [0781] Perhaps after am^ll I am merely ^simply in the basement. [0782] What possesses him to be stopping all the time? [0783] Oh he was always like that, ever since he was a tiny tot ^mite, always stopping, wasn't he, Granny? [0784] Yes indeed, never easy, always stopping. [0785] According to Mahhod I never got there, that is to say they all died first, the whole ten or elevent of that ^them, carried off by sausage poisoning, in excruciating pain great pain ^agony. [0786] Incommoded first by their shrieks, then by the stench of decompos^ition, I had turned back. [0787] But let us not go too ^{not so} fast, otherwise we'll never arrive ^{get there arrive}. [0788] It's no longer I in any case. [0789] Will he ever arrive ^{reach us}, at his present rate ^speed of going? [0790] He looks as if he had slowed down, since last year. [0791] Oh the last rounds ^laps won't take him long. [0792] My missing leg didn't seem to affect them. [0793] Perhaps it was already l^missing when I left. [0794] What about throwing him a sponge? [0795] No, no, it might upset him. [0796] In the evening, after supper, while my wife kept her eye on[p. 35r] me, the old couple related my life history, to the sleepy children. [0797] Bedtime story atmosphere. [0798] That's one of Mahood's favourite tricks, to, to invoke ostensibly independent testimonies in support of my historical existence. [0799] The instalment over, all joined in a hh^ymn, Safe in the arms of Jesus, for example, or, Jesus loverof my soul, let me to thy bosom fly, for example. [0800] Then they wet ^went off to bed, with the exception of the one on watch duty. [0801] The old ones ^{gaffer and gammer} differed in their views on me, but they were agreed that I had been a fine baby, at the very beginning, the first fortnight or t hree weeks. [0802] And yet he was a fine baby, with these wor^ds their^y invariably closed ^concluded [Stet] their narratives. [0803] And often one of the children, taking advantage of a pause due to the disappearance ^abeyance of my parents ^plunged in their memories, would launch by way of envoy the consecrated phrase, And yet he was a fine baby. [0804] A burst of clear and innocent laughter, from the mouths of those whom sleep had not yet overcome, greeted this premature conclusion. [0805] And the narrators themselves, torn from their melancholy thoughts, could scarce forbear to smile. [0806] Then they all rose, with the exception of my mother who found standing tiring, and sang, Gentle Jesus, meek and mild, for example, or, Jesus my one, my all, hear me when I call, for example. [0807] He too was probably ^{must have been} a fine baby. [0808] Then ^Finally my wife announced the latest news, for them to take to bed with them. [0809] He's backing away ag^ain, or, He's atarted to scratch himself, or, You should have seen him hopping sidelong, or, Look children, quick, he's down on his hand and kn hands and knee, admittedly that must have been worth seeing. [0810] It was compulsory, ^then that one of thel^m should then ask her if I was approaching none the less, if in spite of everything I was making headway, they couldn't bear the thought of going to bed, those who were still awake, without the assurance that I wasn't losing ground. [0811] Photo ^Ptoto set their minds at rest. [0812] I had moved, no further proof was required ^needed. [0813] I had been drawing near for so, long now that there was no cause for anxiety, provided ^{so lon} I did not remain rooted to the spot. ^{provided I kept moving.} [0814] I was launched, there was no reason why I should suddenly begin to retreat, I wasn't made[p. 36r] that way.