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[2118] escaped. [2119] For I knew for a fact that the verger had a list of the faithful and that, from his place beside the font, he ticked us off [₰] when it came to the absolution. [2120] It is only fair to say that Father Ambrose knew nothing of these manoeuvres, yes, anything in the nature of surveillance was hateful to the good Father Ambrose. [2121] And he would have sent the verger flying about his business if he had suspected him of such a work of supererogation. [2122] It must have been for his own edification that the verger kept this register, with such assiduity. [2123] Admittedly I knew only what went on at the last mass, having no experience personally of the other offices, for the good reason that I never went [⁁]within a mile of them. [2124] But I had heard it said that they were the occasion of exactly the same supervision, at the hands either of the verger himself or, when his duties called him elsewhere, of one of his sons. [2125] A strange parish whose flock knew more than its pastor of a circumstance which seemed rather in his province than in theirs.
[2126] Such were my thoughts as I waited for my son to come back and Gaber, whom I had not yet heard leave, to go. [2127] And tonight I find it strange I could have thought of such things, I mean my son, my lack of breeding, Father Ambrose, Verger Joly with his register, at such a time. [2128] Had I not something better to do, after what I had just heard? [2129] The fact is I had not yet begun to take the matter seriously. [2130] And I am all the more surprised as such light-mindedness was not like me. [2131] Or was it in order to win a few more moments of peace that I instinctively avoided giving my mind to it? [2132] Even if, as set forth in Gaber's report, the affair had seemed unworthy of me, the chief's insistence on having me, me Moran, rather than anybody else, ought to have warned me that it was was no ordinary one. [2133] And instead of bringing to bear upon it without delay all the resources of my mind and of my experience, I sat dreaming of my breed's infirmities and the singularities of those about me. [2134] And yet the poison was already acting on me,
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[2134] the poison I had just been given. [2135] I stirred restlessly in my arm-chair, ran my hands over my face, crossed and uncrossed my legs, and so on. [2136] The colour and weight of the world were changing already, soon I would have to admit I was anxious.
[2137] I remembered with annoyance the lager I had just absorbed. [2138] Would I be granted the body of Christ after a pint of Wallenstein? [2139] And if I said nothing? [2140] Have you come fasting, my son? [2141] He would not ask. [2142] But God would know, sooner or later. [2143] Perhaps he would pardon me. [2144] But would the eucharist produce the same effect, taken on top of beer, however light? [2145] I could always try. [2146] What was the teaching of the Church on the matter? [2147] What if I were about to commit sacrilege? [2148] I decided to suck a few peppermints on the way to the presbytery.
[2149] I got up and went to the kitchen. [2150] I asked if Jacques was back. [2151] I haven't seen him, said Martha. [2152] She seemed in bad humour. [2153] And the man? I said. [2154] What man? she said. [2155] The man who came for a glass of beer, I said. [2156] No one came for anything, said Martha. [2157] By the way, I said, unperturbed apparently, I shall not eat lunch today. [2158] She asked if I were ill. [2159] For I was naturally a rather heavy eater. [2160] And my Sunday midday meal especially I always liked extremely copious. [2161] It smelt good in the kitchen. [2162] I shall lunch a little later today, that's all, I said. [2163] Martha looked at me furiously. [2164] Say four o'clock, I said. [2165] In that wizened, grey skull what raging and rampaging then, I knew. [2166] You will not go out today, I said coldly, I regret. [2167] She flung herself at her pots and pans, dumb with anger. [2168] You will keep all that hot for me, I said, as best you can. [2169] And knowing her capable of poisoning me I added, You can have [⁁]the whole day off tomorrow, if that is any good to you.
[2170] I left her and went out on the road. [2171] So Gaber had gone without his beer. [2172] And yet he had wanted it badly. [2173] It was a good brand, Wallenstein. [2174] I stood
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[2174] there on the watch for Jacques. [2175] Coming from church he would appear on my right, on my left if he came from the slaughter-house. [2176] A neighbour passed. A free-thinker. [2177] Well well, he said, no worship today? [2178] He knew my habits, my Sunday habits I mean. [2179] Everyone knew them and the chief perhaps better than any, in spite of his remoteness. [2180] You look as if you had seen a ghost, said the neighbour. [2181] Worse than that, I said, you. [2182] I went in, at my back the dutifully hideous smile. [2183] I could see him running to his concubine with the news, You know that poor bastard Moran, you should have heard me, I had him lepping! [2184] Couldn't speak! [2185] Took to his heels!
[2186] Jacques came back soon afterwards. [2187] No trace of frolic. [2188] He said he had been to church alone. [2189] I asked him a few pertinent questions concerning the march of the ceremony. [2190] His answers were plausible. [2191] I told him to wash his hands and sit down to his lunch. [2192] I went back to the kitchen. [2193] I did nothing but go to and fro. [2194] You may dish up, I said. [2195] She had wept. [2196] I peered into the pots. [2197] Irish stew. [2198] A nourishing and economical dish, if a little indigestible. [2199] All honour to the land it [⁁]has brought before the world. [2200] I shall sit down at four o'clock, I said. [2201] I did not need to add sharp. [2202] I liked punctuality, all those whom my roof sheltered had to like it too. [2203] I went up to my room. [2204] And there, stretched on my bed, the curtains drawn, I made a first attempt to grasp the Molloy affair.
[2205] My concern at first was only with its immediate vexations and the preparations they demanded of me. [2206] The kernel of the affair I continued to shirk. [2207] I felt a great confusion coming over me.
[2208] Should I set out on my autocycle? [2209] This was the question with which I began. [2210] I had a methodical mind and never set out on a mission without prolonged reflection as to the best way of setting out. [2211] It was the first problem to solve, at the outset of each enquiry, and I never moved until
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[2211] I had solved it, to my satisfaction. [2212] Sometimes I took my autocycle, sometimes the train, sometimes the motor-coach, just as sometimes too I left on foot, or on my bicycle, silently, in the night. [2213] For when you are beset with enemies, as I am, you cannot leave on your autocycle, even in the night, without being noticed, unless you employ it as an ordinary bicycle, which is absurd. [2214] But if I was in the habit of first settling this delicate question of transport, it was never without having, if not fully sifted, at least taken into account the factors on which it depended. [2215] For how can you decide on the way of setting out if you do not first know where you are going, or at least with what purpose you are going there? [2216] But in the present case I was tackling the problem of transport with no other preparation than the languid cognizance I had taken of Gaber's report. [2217] I would be able to recover the minutest details of this report when I wished. [2218] But I had not yet troubled to do so, I had avoided doing so, saying, The affair is banal. [2219] To try and solve the problem of transport under such conditions was madness. [2220] Yet that was what I was doing. [2221] I was losing my head already.
[2222] I liked leaving on my autocycle, I was partial to this way of getting about. [2223] And in my ignorance of the reasons against it[₰] I decided to leave on my autocycle. [2224] Thus was inscribed, on the threshold of the Molloy affair, the fatal pleasure principle.
[2225] The sun's beams shone through the rift in the curtains and made visible the sabbath of the motes. [2226] I concluded from this that the weather was still fine[₰] and rejoiced. [2227] When you leave on your autocycle fine weather is to be preferred. [2228] I was wrong, the weather was fine no longer, the sky was clouding over, soon it would rain. [2229] But for the moment the sun was still shining. [2230] It was on this that I went, with inconceivable levity, having nothing else to go on.
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[2231] Next I attacked, according to my custom, the capital question of the effects to take with me. [2232] And on this subject too I should have come to a quite otiose decision but for my son, who burst in wanting to know if he might go out. [2233] I controlled myself. [2234] He was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, [2235] a thing I do not like to see. [2236] But there are uglier gestures, I speak from experience.
[2237] Out? I said. Where? [2238] Out! [2239] Vagueness I abhor. [2240] I was beginning to feel hungry. [2241] To the Elms, he replied. [2242] So we call our little public park. [2243] And yet there is not an elm to be seen in it, I have been told. [2244] What for? I said. [2245] To go over my botany, he replied. [2246] There were times I suspected my son of deceit. [2247] This was one. [2248] I would almost have preferred him to say, For a walk, or, To look at the tarts. The trouble was he knew far more than I, about botany. [2249] Otherwise I could have set him a few teasers, on his return. [2250] Personally I just liked plants, in all innocence and simplicity. [2251] I even saw in them at times a superfetatory proof of the existence of God. [2252] Go, I said, but be back at half-past four, I want to talk to you. [2253] Yes papa, he said. [2254] Yes papa! [2255] Ah!
[2256] I slept a little. [2257] Faster, faster. [2258] Passing the church, something made me stop. [2259] I looked at the door, baroque, very fine. [2260] I found it hideous. [2261] I hastened on to the presbytery. [2262] The Father is sleeping, said the servant. [2263] I can wait, I said. [2264] Is it urgent? she said. [2265] Yes and no, I said. [2266] She showed me into the sitting-room, bare and bleak, dreadful. [2267] Father Ambrose came in, rubbing his eyes. [2268] I disturb you, Father, I said. [2269] He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, protestingly. [2270] I shall not describe our attitudes, characteristic his of him, mine of me. [2271] He offered me a cigar which I accepted with good grace and put in my pocket, between my fountain-pen and my propelling-pencil. [2272] He flattered himself, Father Ambrose, with being a man of the world and knowing its ways