MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[0495] Let us assume ^{it be assumed} [Stet] then that I am at rest, ^{though it's} unimportant though this is, at rest or rolling never still, through the air or in contact with other surfaces, or that I sometimes roll ^move, sometimes rest, since I fel^el nothing, neither quietude[p. 21r] nor change, nothing that can serve as a pi^oint of departure towards an opinion on this subject, which would not greatly matter if I disposed of ^possessed some general notions, and with that ^then the use of my reason, but there it is, I feel nothing^{, know nothing,} and as far as thinking is concerned I do ^it just enough to keep me from going silent, you can't call that thinking. [0496] [E]^Let us there- ^then fore assume nothing, neither that I move, neither that I don't, it's safer, since that has no importance ^{the thing is unimportant}, and pass on to the ^those things that have ^are. [0497] Which? [0498] This voice that speaks, ^{knowing that it lies,} indifferent to what it says, too old perhaps and too abased ever to ^{be able to} say ^{at last[⁁]} the words that would be its last, knowing itself useless and its uselessness in vain, not listening to itself but to the silence that it breaks and whence perhaps one day will come stealing the long clear sigh of advent and farewell, is it one? [0499] I shall ask no more w^questions, ^{there are no more questions,} I know none any more. [0500] It issues from me, it fills me, it clamours against my walls, it is not mine, I cannot ^can't stop it, I cannot ^can't prevent it, from tearing me, racking me, besieging me. [0501] It is not [^/]mine, I have none, I have no voice and must speak, that is all I know, it is about ^round that I must revolve, of that I must speak, wiy^th this voice that is not mine, but can only be mine, since there is nobody but me, or if thee^re are others besides me, to which ^whom it might belong, they have never come to me, I shall say no more, I shall not ^{I won't make this clear.} be more explicit. ^{I won't delay to make this clear.[⁁]} [0502] ^Perhaps they observe ^{are watching} me from afar, I have no objection, so ^as long as [-]^I do not ^don't see them, ,^like a face in the embers bound to crumble embers which they know is bound ^doomed to crumble, but it is ^it's too slow, it is ^it's getting late, and eyes are heavy, to-morrow they get up early ^{must rise betimes.}. [0503] So it is I who speak, all alone, since I cannot help it ^{can't do otherwise}. [0504] No, I am dumb ^speechless. [0505] Talking of that ^speaking, what if I went silent? [0506] What would happen to me.^{? then?} [0507] Worse than what does? [0508] But these are questions again. [0509] That is typical. [0510] I know no more questions and they keep on streaming ^pouring out of my mouth. [0511] I think I know what it is, [0512] it is ^it's to prevent the discourse ^from coming to an end, this futile discourse which[p. 22r] ^{is not} credited to me and brings me not a syllable nearer silence. [0513] But ^now I am on my guard, I shall ^not answer them no ^any more, I shall not pretend to search any more ^{pretend any more to try & answer them.}. [0514] I shall perhaps be obliged, in order not to dry up ^{peter out}, to invent yet another faery ^{? fairy tale}, ^{yet another,} with heads, trunks, armsn arms, legs and all that follows, let loose in the changeless alternative ^round of imperfect shadow and dubious light^. as has so often happened already, to,m to me. [0515] But I have high ^{hope and trust} hopes not.[⁁] [0516] ^{But I always can if necessary.[⁁]} [0517] For while unfolding ^emitting my facetiae, the last time it ^{to me to do so,} happened to me, ^{that happened to me,} [Stet] or to the other who passes for me, I was not inattentive. [0518] And it seemed to me, ^that I heard a murmi^ur telling of another and more agreeable means ^{pleasant method} of ending my troubles, and ^that I even succeeded in catching, without ceasing for an instant to retail ^emit my he said, and he said to himself, and he asked, and he answered, a certain number of highly promising formulae and which indeed I promised myself to turn to good account at the first opportunity, ^{that is to say} as soon as I had finished with my herd of hysterics ^{troop of lunatics}. [0519] But allh has been wiped lout ^{gone clean from my mind head}. [0520] For it is difficult to speak, even any old rubbish, and at the same time focus one's attention on another point, where's one's true interest lies, such as ^{as fitfully defined by} a faint mumur, as though ^{whisper seeming to[⁁]} apologizing^e for not being dead,^. fitfy^ully defines it. [0521] And what it seemed to me Oⁱ heard then, concerning what I should do, and say, in order to have nothing further to do, nothing furthr^er to say, it seemed to me I ^only barely heard it, because of the noise I ^was engaged in making elsewhere, in obedience to the ill comprehended ^{unintelligible} terms of an obscure ^{incomprehensible} damnation. [0522] And yet I was sufficiently impressed by certain expressions to vow ^swear, while continuing my yelps, never to forget them and, what is more, to ensure they should engender others and finally, swelling to an overwhelming whole, ^{in an irresistible torrent} banish from my vile mouth all other utterance, from my mouth spent in vain with vain inventions all other utterance but theirs, the true ^{[⁁] at last}, the last at last. [0523] But I have ^{all is} forgotten it all and ^{I have} done nothing, unless what I am doing now is something, and it is my dearest wish. ^{nothing [xxx] would please me more.} [0524] For[p. 23r] if so sweet a music could wing to me ^{if I cd. hear such a music at such a time, I mean} while floundering in a gross fiction ^{ponderous chronicle} of moribunds coming and going in motion or in ^{on their rounds, in their courses, moving, clashing, writhing} the frenzy of rest, clashing or fallen in a temporary momentary ^{or at rest in a brief swoon, or fallen in a shortlived swoon,} swoon, how much the more should it be heard at present ^{with how much more reason shd. I hear it now}, when I am supposed to be encumbered ^{supposedly I am burdened} with myself alone? [0525] But this is reasoning ^thinking again. [0526] And I[n]s I see myself slipping once more, though not yet at the last extremity, towards the relief ^{aids & appliances} of fable. [0527] Would it not be better for me to say ^{if I simply kept on saying repeating} babababa, ^{for example,} while waiting to ascertain the true function of this venerable organ? [0528] Enough questions, enough reasoning. [0529] I resume, years later^, [0530] ^{meaning I suppose that} I went silent, then^at I can go silent. [0531] And now ^{[⁁]this noise again.} this ^the noise beginning ^begins again. [0532] That ^This is all rather obscure. [0533] I say years, though here there are none. ^{no years} [0534] It little matters ^{What matter} how long. [0535] Years is one of Basil's ideas. [0536] A long time, a short time, it's all the same. [0537] I kept silent ^silence, that^'s is all that counts, if that counts, I have forgotten if that[s] ^{is supposed to[⁁]} counts. [0538] And now it is taken from me again. [0539] But what a silence, ^yes, my friends, yes, I too have friends, somewhere, I feel it, at certain moments, what a silence at this moment, what a silence. [0540] V^For it is all very well ^fine to keep silence, but one has ^also to consider what ^{[xxx] the} kind of silence it is one keeps. [0541] I listened. [0541|001] ^{That's [what I xxx].} [0542] One might just as well speak, while one is at it. ^{and be done with it.} [0543] What ^{And what} liberty!^. [0544] I strained my ear towards what must have been my own voice still, so weak, so far, that it was like the sea, a still distant ^{far calm} sea dying — no, none of that, no n^beach, no shore, the sea is enough, I've had enough of shingle, enough of sand, enough of earth, enough of sea too. [0545] ^Decidedly Basil is becoming important.^, [0546] I shall therefore ^{so I'll} call him Mahood instead, I prefer that, I'm queer. [0547] It was he who told me stories about me, lived in my stead, issued forth from me, ^{came back to me,} entered back into me, heapes^d stories on my head. [0548] I don't know how it was done. [0549] I always liked not knowing, but Mahood said it wasn't right. [0550] He knew nothing ^{didn't know} either, but it worried him. [0551] It is his voice which has ^has often, always, mingled with mine, and sometimes drowned it. ^completely. Until ^Until he left me for good, or refused to leave me any more, I don't know. [0552] Yes,[p. 24r] Yes, I don't know if he is here now or d^far away.^, Bu^but I do not think I am far wrong in saying that he has ceased to plague me. [0553] When he was away I tried to pull myself together be ^find myself again, to forget what he a^had said, about me, about my woes, ^misfortunes, laughable woes, ^{fatuous misfortunes,} idiotic pains, compared to my true situation, hideous ^revolting word. [0554] But his voice continued to testify for me, as though woven into mine, preventing me from saying who I was, whar^t I was, so as to have done with saying, done with listening. [0555] And still to-day, as he would say, though he troubles me no more his voice is there, in mine, but less, less. [0556] And being no longer renewed it will disappear one day, I hope, quite, from mine.^{, completely}. [0557] But ^{in order[⁁]} for that to happen ^happen I must speak, speak. [0558] And at the same time, I do not deceive myself, he may come back ^again, or go away ^again and then come back ^again. [0560] Then my voice, the voice, would say, Good ^{That's an idea}, now I'll tell a ^{one of} Mahood^'s story^ies[⁁], that will be a ^{I need a} rest. [0561] ^Yes,[⁁] T^that^'s is how it would happen. [0562] It would say, Then, refreshed, apply ^set myself to ^{about the} truth again, the truth, with centupled ^redoubled vigour. [0563] To make me think I was a free agent. [0564] But it would not be my voice, not even in part. [0565] That is how it would be done. [0566] A^Or ^quietly, stealthily the story would begin, imperceptibly, as if nothing had happened, and I still the teller and the told. [0567] But I would be fast al^sleep, my mouth agape, as usual, I would look the same as usual. [0568] And from my sleeping mouth the lies would pour, about me. [0569] No, I would not be sleeping, I would ^but listening, in tears. [0570] But now, is it I now, I on me? [0571] Sometimes it seems to me ^{I think} it is. [0572] And then I realize it is not. [0573] I am doing my best, I am failing ^{and failing again}, yet again. [0574] I don't mind failing, I like it ^{it's a pleasure}, but I should ^'d like to go silent. [0575] Not as just now, the better to listen. [0576] But peacefully, victorious, ^{having vanquished,} without ulterior motive ^object. ^{, having vanquished.[⁁]} [0577] Then it would be a life worth living, a life at last. [0578] My speech-parched mouth at rest would fill with spittle, I would ^I' let if flow in ecstasy, ^{over, happy at last,} druⁱbbling with life, my pensum ^? ended, in ^the silence. [0579] I spoke, I must have spoken, of a lesson, it was pensum I should have said, I confused pensum with lesson. [0580] Yes, I have a pensum to discharge ^perform, before I can[p. 25r] [end of revision] be free, free to dribble, free to speak no more, listen no more, and I have forgotten what it is. [0581] There at last is a fair picture of my situation. [0582] I was given a pensum, at birth perhaps, as a punishment for having been born perhaps, or for no particular reason, because they dislike me, and I have forgotten what it is. [0583] But was I ever told? [0584] Squeeze, squeeze, not too hard, but squeeze a little more ^longer, this is perhaps about you, [0586] and your goal at [nxd] ^hand. [0587] After ten thousant^d words? [0588] A goal then, after it there will be others. [0589] Speak, yes, but to me, I have not ^never spoken enough to me, not ^never listened enough to me, not ^never replied enough to me, not ^never had pity enough on me, I have spoken for my master, listened for the words of my master never spoken, Well done, my child, well done, my son, you may stop, you may go, you are free, you are acquitted, you[r] are pardoned, never spoken. [0590] My master. [0591] There is a vein I must not lose sight of. [0592] But for the moment my concern is with — but before I forget, there may be more than one, a whole collef^ge (panel) of tyrants, having divergent views as to what should be done with ^me, in conclave since time began or shortly ^{a little} after ^later, listening to me from time to time, then breaking up for a meal or a game of cards, all unbeknown to me, who knows — with the pensum of which I think I may safely say, without loss of face, that is^t is in some way related to that lesson too hastily proclaimed, too hastily denied. For all I need say is this, that if I have a pensum to perform, it is because I could not say my lesson, and that when I have finished my pensum I shall still have my lesson to say, before I have the right to stay silent in my corner quiet in my corner, alive and dribbling, my mouth shut, my tonh^gue at rest, far from all disturbance, all sound, my mind at peace, that is to say empty. [0593] But this does not get me very far. [0594] For even should I hit upon the right pensum, somewhere in this churn of words at last, I should still have to recohⁿstitute the right lesson, unless ^[/]of course the two are one and the same, which obviously is not impossible either. [0595] Strange notion in any case, and eminently open to suspicion, that of a task to be performed, before one can be at rest. [0596] Strange task which consists of in[p. 26r] speaking of oneself.