[0495] Let us assume it be assumed [Stet] 
then that I am at rest, though it's unimportant though this is, at rest or rolling never still, through the
air or in contact with other surfaces, or that I sometimes
roll move, sometimes rest, since I felel nothing, neither quietude
[p. 21r] nor change, nothing that can serve as a pioint of departure
towards an opinion on this subject, which would not greatly
matter if I disposed of possessed some general notions, and with that then
the use of my reason, but there it is, I feel nothing, know nothing, and as
far as thinking is concerned I do it just enough to keep me
from going silent, you can't call that thinking. [0496] ELet us there- then
fore assume nothing, neither that I move, neither that I don't,
it's safer, since that has no importance the thing is unimportant, and pass on to the those
things that have are. [0497] Which? [0498] This voice that speaks, knowing that it lies, indifferent
to what it says, too old perhaps and too abased ever to be able to say
at last[⁁] the words that would be its last, knowing itself useless and
its uselessness in vain, not listening to itself but to the
silence that it breaks and whence perhaps one day will come
stealing the long clear sigh of advent and farewell, is it one? [0499] I shall ask no more wquestions, there are no more questions, I know none any more. [0500] It issues
from me, it fills me, it clamours against my walls, it is not
mine, I cannot can't stop it, I cannot can't prevent it, from tearing me,
racking me, besieging me. [0501] It is not [/]mine, I have none, I have
no voice and must speak, that is all I know, it is about round that
I must revolve, of that I must speak, wiyth this voice that is
not mine, but can only be mine, since there is nobody but me,
or if theere are others besides me, to which whom it might belong,
they have never come to me, I shall say no more, I shall not I won't make this clear.
be more explicit. I won't delay to make this clear.[⁁] [0502] Perhaps they observe are watching me from afar, I have
no objection, so as long as -I do not don't see them, ,like a face in the
embers bound to crumble embers which they know is bound doomed to
crumble, but it is it's too slow, it is it's getting late, and eyes
are heavy, to-morrow they get up early must rise betimes.. [0503] So it is I who speak,
all alone, since I cannot help it can't do otherwise. [0504] No, I am dumb speechless. [0505] Talking
of that speaking, what if I went silent? [0506] What would happen to me.? then? [0507] Worse than what does? [0508] But these are questions again. [0509] That is
typical. [0510] I know no more questions and they keep on streaming pouring
out of my mouth. [0511] I think I know what it is, [0512] it is it's to prevent
the discourse from coming to an end, this futile discourse which
[p. 22r] is not credited to me and brings me not a syllable nearer silence. [0513] But now I am on my guard, I shall not answer them no any more, I shall
not pretend to search any more pretend any more to try & answer them.. [0514] I shall perhaps be obliged,
in order not to dry up peter out, to invent yet another faery ? fairy tale, yet another, with heads,
trunks, armsn arms, legs and all that follows, let loose in the
changeless alternative round of imperfect shadow and dubious light.
as has so often happened already, to,m to me. [0515] But I have high hope and trust
hopes not.[⁁] [0516] But I always can if necessary.[⁁] [0517] For while unfolding emitting my facetiae, the last time it to me to do so,
happened to me, that happened to me, [Stet] or to the other who passes for me, I was not
inattentive. [0518] And it seemed to me, that I heard a murmiur telling
of another and more agreeable means pleasant method of ending my troubles,
and that I even succeeded in catching, without ceasing for an
instant to retail emit my he said, and he said to himself, and
he asked, and he answered, a certain number of highly promising formulae and which indeed I promised myself to turn to
good account at the first opportunity, that is to say as soon as I had finished with my herd of hysterics troop of lunatics. [0519] But allh has been wiped lout gone clean from my mind head. [0520]
For it is difficult to speak, even any old rubbish, and at the
same time focus one's attention on another point, where's
one's true interest lies, such as as fitfully defined by a faint mumur, as though whisper seeming
to[⁁] apologizinge for not being dead,. fitfyully defines it. [0521] And what
it seemed to me Oi heard then, concerning what I should do, and
say, in order to have nothing further to do, nothing furthrer
to say, it seemed to me I only barely heard it, because of the noise
I was engaged in making elsewhere, in obedience to the ill
comprehended unintelligible terms of an obscure incomprehensible damnation. [0522] And yet I was
sufficiently impressed by certain expressions to vow swear, while
continuing my yelps, never to forget them and, what is more,
to ensure they should engender others and finally, swelling
to an overwhelming whole, in an irresistible torrent banish from my vile mouth all other
utterance, from my mouth spent in vain with vain inventions
all other utterance but theirs, the true [⁁] at last, the last at last. [0523] But I have all is forgotten it all and I have done nothing, unless what
I am doing now is something, and it is my dearest wish. nothing xxx would please me more. [0524] For
[p. 23r] if so sweet a music could wing to me if I cd. hear such a music at such a time, I mean while floundering in a
gross fiction ponderous chronicle of moribunds coming and going in motion or in on their rounds, in their courses, moving, clashing, writhing
the frenzy of rest, clashing or fallen in a temporary momentary or at rest in a brief swoon, or fallen in a shortlived swoon,
swoon, how much the more should it be heard at present with how much more reason shd. I hear it now, when
I am supposed to be encumbered supposedly I am burdened with myself alone? [0525] But this is
reasoning thinking again. [0526] And Ins I see myself slipping once more, though
not yet at the last extremity, towards the relief aids & appliances of fable. [0527]
Would it not be better for me to say if I simply kept on saying repeating babababa, for example, while waiting to
ascertain the true function of this venerable organ? [0528] Enough
questions, enough reasoning. [0529] I resume, years later, [0530] meaning I suppose that I went silent,
thenat I can go silent. [0531] And now [⁁]this noise again. this the noise beginning begins again. [0532] That This
is all rather obscure. [0533] I say years, though here there are none. no years [0534] It little matters What matter how long. [0535] Years is one of Basil's ideas. [0536] A
long time, a short time, it's all the same. [0537] I kept silent silence, that's
is all that counts, if that counts, I have forgotten if thats
is supposed to[⁁] counts. [0538] And now it is taken from me again. [0539] But what a silence, yes,
my friends, yes, I too have friends, somewhere, I feel it, at
certain moments, what a silence at this moment, what a silence. [0540] VFor it is all very well fine to keep silence, but one has also to consider
what xxx the kind of silence it is one keeps. [0541] I listened. [0541|001] That's what I xxx. [0542] One might just
as well speak, while one is at it. and be done with it. [0543] What And what liberty!. [0544] I strained my
ear towards what must have been my own voice still, so weak, so
far, that it was like the sea, a still distant far calm sea dying — no,
none of that, no nbeach, no shore, the sea is enough, I've had
enough of shingle, enough of sand, enough of earth, enough of
sea too. [0545] Decidedly Basil is becoming important., [0546] I shall therefore so I'll
call him Mahood instead, I prefer that, I'm queer. [0547] It was he
who told me stories about me, lived in my stead, issued forth
from me, came back to me, entered back into me, heapesd stories on my head. [0548] I
don't know how it was done. [0549] I always liked not knowing, but
Mahood said it wasn't right. [0550] He knew nothing didn't know either, but it
worried him. [0551] It is his voice which has has often, always, mingled
with mine, and sometimes drowned it. completely. Until Until he left me for good,
or refused to leave me any more, I don't know. [0552] Yes,
[p. 24r] Yes, I don't know if he is here now or dfar away., Bubut I do
not think I am far wrong in saying that he has ceased to plague
me. [0553] When he was away I tried to pull myself together be find myself
again, to forget what he ahad said, about me, about my woes, misfortunes,
laughable woes, fatuous misfortunes, idiotic pains, compared to my true situation,
hideous revolting word. [0554] But his voice continued to testify for me, as
though woven into mine, preventing me from saying who I was,
whart I was, so as to have done with saying, done with listening. [0555] And still to-day, as he would say, though he troubles me no
more his voice is there, in mine, but less, less. [0556] And being no
longer renewed it will disappear one day, I hope, quite, from
mine., completely. [0557] But in order[⁁] for that to happen happen I must speak, speak. [0558] And at the
same time, I do not deceive myself, he may come back again, or go
away again and then come back again. [0560] Then my voice, the voice, would say,
Good That's an idea, now I'll tell a one of Mahood's storyies[⁁], that will be a I need a rest. [0561] Yes,[⁁] Tthat's
is how it would happen. [0562] It would say, Then, refreshed, apply set
myself to about the truth again, the truth, with centupled redoubled vigour. [0563] To
make me think I was a free agent. [0564] But it would not be my voice,
not even in part. [0565] That is how it would be done. [0566] AOr quietly, stealthily
the story would begin, imperceptibly, as if nothing had happened,
and I still the teller and the told. [0567] But I would be fast alsleep,
my mouth agape, as usual, I would look the same as usual. [0568] And
from my sleeping mouth the lies would pour, about me. [0569] No, I would
not be sleeping, I would but listening, in tears. [0570] But now, is it I
now, I on me? [0571] Sometimes it seems to me I think it is. [0572] And then I realize
it is not. [0573] I am doing my best, I am failing and failing again, yet again. [0574] I don't
mind failing, I like it it's a pleasure, but I should 'd like to go silent. [0575] Not
as just now, the better to listen. [0576] But peacefully, victorious, having vanquished,
without ulterior motive object. , having vanquished.[⁁] [0577] Then it would be a life worth living,
a life at last. [0578] My speech-parched mouth at rest would fill with
spittle, I would I' let if flow in ecstasy, over, happy at last, druibbling with life,
my pensum ? ended, in the silence. [0579] I spoke, I must have spoken, of a
lesson, it was pensum I should have said, I confused pensum
with lesson. [0580] Yes, I have a pensum to discharge perform, before I can
[p. 25r] [end of revision] be free, free to dribble, free to speak no more, listen no more,
and I have forgotten what it is. [0581] There at last is a fair picture
of my situation. [0582] I was given a pensum, at birth perhaps, as a
punishment for having been born perhaps, or for no particular
reason, because they dislike me, and I have forgotten what it
is. [0583] But was I ever told? [0584] Squeeze, squeeze, not too hard, but
squeeze a little more longer, this is perhaps about you, [0586] and your goal
at nxd hand. [0587] After ten thousantd words? [0588] A goal then, after it there
will be others. [0589] Speak, yes, but to me, I have not never spoken enough
to me, not never listened enough to me, not never replied enough to me, not never had
pity enough on me, I have spoken for my master, listened for
the words of my master never spoken, Well done, my child, well
done, my son, you may stop, you may go, you are free, you are
acquitted, your are pardoned, never spoken. [0590] My master. [0591] There is
a vein I must not lose sight of. [0592] But for the moment my concern
is with — but before I forget, there may be more than one, a
whole collefge (panel) of tyrants, having divergent views as to
what should be done with me, in conclave since time began or shortly a little
after later, listening to me from time to time, then breaking up for
a meal or a game of cards, all unbeknown to me, who knows —
with the pensum of which I think I may safely say, without loss
of face, that ist is in some way related to that lesson too hastily
proclaimed, too hastily denied. For all I need say is this, that
if I have a pensum to perform, it is because I could not say my
lesson, and that when I have finished my pensum I shall still
have my lesson to say, before I have the right to stay silent in
my corner quiet in my corner, alive and dribbling, my mouth shut,
my tonhgue at rest, far from all disturbance, all sound, my mind
at peace, that is to say empty. [0593] But this does not get me very far. [0594] For even should I hit upon the right pensum, somewhere in this
churn of words at last, I should still have to recohnstitute the
right lesson, unless [/]of course the two are one and the same, which
obviously is not impossible either. [0595] Strange notion in any case,
and eminently open to suspicion, that of a task to be performed,
before one can be at rest. [0596] Strange task which consists of in
[p. 26r] speaking of oneself.