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[1590] by sea, but you had to disembark well to the north or the south and take to the [⁁]roads, just imagine that, for they had never heard of Watt, just imagine that too. [1591] And now my progress, slow and painful at all times, was more so than ever, because of my short stiff leg, the same which I thought had long been as stiff as a leg could be, but [⁁]damn the bit of it, for it was growing stiffer than ever, a thing I would not have thought possible, and at the same time shorter every day, but above all because of the other leg, supple hitherto and now growing rapidly stiff in its turn but not yet shortening, unhappily. [1592] For when the two legs shorten at the same time, and at the same speed, then all is not lost, no. [1593] But when one shortens, and the other not, then you begin to be worried. [1594] Oh not that I was exactly worried, but it was a nuisance, yes, a nuisance. [1595] For I didn't know which foot to land on, when I came down. [1596] Let us try and get this dilemma clear. [1597] Follow me carefully. The stiff leg hurt me, admittedly, I mean the old stiff leg, and it was the other which I normally used as a pivot, or prop. [1598] But now this latter, as a result of its stiffening I suppose, and the ensuing [⁁]commotion among nerves and sinews, was beginning to hurt me even more than the other. [1599] What a story, God send I don't make a balls of it. [1600] For the old pain, do you follow me, I had got used to it, in a way, yes, in a kind of way. [1601] Whereas to the new pain, though of the same family [⁁]exactly, I had not yet had time to adjust myself. [1602] Nor should it be forgotten that having one bad leg plus another more or less good, I was able to nurse the former, and reduce its sufferings to the minimum, to the maximum, by using the former exclusively, with the help of my crutches. [1603] But I no longer had this [⁁]resource! [1604] For I no longer had one bad leg plus another more or less good, but now both were bad. [1605] And the worse, to my mind, was that which till now had been good, at least [⁁]comparatively good, and whose change for the worse I had not yet [⁁]got used to. [1606] So in a way, if you
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[1606] like, I still had one bad leg and one good, or rather less bad, with this difference however, that the less bad now was the less good of heretofore. [1607] It was therefore on the old bad leg that I often longed to lean, between one crutchstroke and the next. [1608] For while still extremely sensitive, it was less so than the other, or it was equally so, if you like, but it did not seem so, to me, because of its seniority. [1609] But I couldn't! [1610] What? [1611] Lean on it. [1612] For it was shortening, don't forget, whereas the other, though stiffening, was not yet shortening, or so far behind its fellow that to all intents and purposes, intents and purposes, I'm lost, [⁁]no matter. [1613] If I could have bent it, at the knee, or even at the hip, I could have made it seem as short as the other, long enough to land on the true short one, before taking off again. [1614] But I couldn't. [1615] What? [1616] Bend it. [1617] For how could I bend it, when it was stiff? [1618] I was therefore compelled to work the same old leg as heretofore, in spite of its having become, [⁁]at least as far as the pain was concerned, the worse of the two and the more in need of nursing. [1619] Sometimes to be sure, when I was lucky enough to chance on a road conveniently cambered, or by taking advantage of a not too deep ditch or any other breach of surface, I managed to lengthen my short leg, for a short time. [1620] But it had done no work for so long that it did not know how to go about it. [1621] And I think a pile of dishes would have better supported me than it, which had so well supported me, when I was a tiny tot. [1622] And another factor of disequilibrium was here involved, I mean when I thus made the best of the lie of the land, I mean my crutches, which [₰] would have needed [⁁]to be unequal, one short and one long, if I was to remain vertical. [1623] No? [1624] I don't know. [1625] In any case the ways I went were for the most part little forest paths, that's understandable, where differences of level, though abounding, were too confused and too erratic to be of any help to me. [1626] But did it make such a difference after all, as far as the pain was concerned, whether my leg
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[1626] was free to rest or whether it had to work? [1627] I think not. [1628] For the suffering of the leg at rest was constant and monotonous. [1629] Whereas the leg condemned to the increase of pain inflicted by work knew the decrease of pain [⁁]dispensed by work suspended, the space of an instant. [1630] But I am human, I [⁁]fancy, and my progress suffered, from this state of [⁁]affairs, and from the slow and painful progress it had always been, whatever may have been said to the contrary, was changed, saving your presence, to a veritable calvary, [⁁]with no limit to its stations [⁁]and no hope of crucifixion, though I say it myself, and no Simon, and reduced me to frequent halts. [1631] Yes, my progress reduced me to stopping more and more often, it was the only way to progress, to stop. [1632] And though it is no part of my tottering intentions to treat [⁁]here in full, as they deserve, these brief moments of the immemorial expiation, I shall nevertheless deal with them briefly, out of the goodness of my heart, so that my story, so clear till now, may not end in darkness, the darkness of these towering forests, these giant [⁁]fronds, where I [⁁]hobble, listen, fall, rise, listen and hobble on, wondering sometimes, need I say, if I shall ever see again the hated light, at least unloved, stretched palely between the last boles, and my mother, to settle [⁁]with her, and if I would not do better, at least just as well, to hang myself from a bough, with a liane. [1633] For frankly light meant nothing to me now, and my mother could scarcely be waiting for me still, after so long. [1634] And my leg, my legs. [1635] But the thought of suicide had little hold on me, I don't know why, I thought I did, but I see I don't. [1636] The idea of strangulation in particular, however tempting, I always overcame, after a short struggle. [1637] And between you and me [₰]there was never anything wrong with my respiratory tracts, apart of course from the agonies [⁁]intrinsic to that system. [1638] Yes, I could count the days[₰] when I could [⁁]neither breathe in the blessed air with its [⁁]life-giving oxygen[₰] nor, when I
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[1638] had breathed it in, breathe [⁁]out the bloody stuff, I could have counted them. [1639] Ah yes, my asthma, how often I was tempted to put an end to it, by cutting my throat. [1640] But I never succumbed. [1641] The noise betrayed me, I turned purple. [1642] It came on mostly at night, [⁁]fortunately, or unfortunately, I could never make up my mind. [1643] For if sudden changes of colour matter less at night, the least unusual noise is then more noticeable, because of the silence of the night. [1644] But these were mere crises, and what are crises compared to all that never stops, knows neither ebb nor flow, its leaden surface above infernal depths. [1645] Not a word, not a word against the crises that seized me, wrung me and finally threw me away, mercifully, safe from help. [1646] And I wrapped my head in my coat, to stifle the obscene noise of choking, or I disguised it as a fit of coughing, universally accepted and approved and whose only disadvantage is [⁁]this, that it is liable to let you in for pity.. [1647] And this is perhaps the moment to observe, better late than never, that when I speak of my progress being slowed down, consequent on the defection of my good leg, I express only an infinitesimal part of the truth. [1648] For the truth is[₰] I had other weak points, here and there, and they too were growing weaker and weaker, as was only to be expected. [1649] But what was not to be expected was the speed at which their weakness had increased, since my departure from the seaside. [1650] For as long as I had remained at the seaside my weak points, while admittedly increasing in weakness, as was only to be expected, only increased imperceptibly, in weakness I mean. [1651] So that I would have hesitated to [⁁]exclaim, with my finger [⁁]up my arse-hole for example, Jesus [⁁]Christ, it's much worse than yesterday, [⁁]I can hardly believe [⁁]it is the same hole. [1652] I apologise for having to revert to this [⁁]lewd orifice, tis my muse will have it so. [1653] Perhaps it is less to be thought of as the [⁁]eyesore here called by its name than as the symbol of those passed over in silence, a distinction due perhaps to its centrality and its air of being a link between me and the other
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[1653] excrement. [1654] We underestimate this little hole, it seems to me, we call it the arse-hole and affect to despise it. [1655] But is it not rather the true portal of our being, and the celebrated mouth no more than [⁁]the kitchen-door. [1656] Nothing goes in, or so little, that is not rejected on the spot, or very nearly. [1657] Almost everything revolts it that comes from without and what comes from within does not seem to receive a very warm welcome either. [1658] Are not these significant facts. [1659] Time will tell. [1660] But I shall do my utmost none [|]the[|] less to keep it in the background, in the future. [1661] And that will be easy, for the future is by no means uncertain, the unspeakable future. [1662] And when it comes to neglecting fundamentals I think I have nothing to learn, and indeed I confuse them with [⁁]accidentals. [1663] But to return to my weak points, let me say again that at the seaside they had developed normally, yes, I had noticed nothing abnormal. [1664] Either because I did not pay enough attention to them, absorbed as I was in the metamorphosis of my excellent leg, or because there was in fact nothing special to report, in this connection. [1665] But I had hardly left the shore, harried by the dread of waking one fine day, far from my mother, with my two legs as stiff as my crutches, when they suddenly began to gallop, my weak points did, and their weakness became literally the weakness of death, with all the disadvantages that this entails, when they are not vital points. [1666] I fix at this period the dastardly desertion of my toes, so to speak in the thick of the fray. [1667] You may object that this is covered by the business of my legs, that it has no importance, since in any case I could not put to the ground the foot in question. [1668] [⁁]Quite, quite.. [1669] But do you as much as know what foot we're talking about? [1670] No. [1671] Nor I. [1672] Wait till I think. [1673] But you are right, that wasn't a weak point properly speaking, I mean my toes, I thought they were in excellent fettle, apart from a few corns, bunions, ingrowing nails and a tendency to cramp. [1674] No, my true weak points were elsewhere. [1675] And if I do not draw up