[p. 19v] DOODLE 35
DOODLE 36
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[1576] [p. 20r] like dust, they want to make a man out
of dust. [1577] Do you hear them, xxx losing heart?
Listen to them, losing heart! [1578] That's to
lull me, so that till I imagine I hear
myself saying, myself at last, to myself
at last, that it can't be they, speaking thus,
that I can only be I, speaking thus. [1579] Ah if
I could only find a voice of my own in this
clamour choir, it would be the end of their
troubles, and of mine. [1581] That's why there
all these little silences, to make me break
them. [1582] They think I can't bear silence, that
my horror of silence will force to break it some
day, no matter how. [1583] They That's why they are
always breaking off, to try and drive me to
extremities. [1584] But they don't dare to be silent
too long, the whole fabric might collapse. [1585] It's true I hate these chasms they all bend
over, on the alert for a human murmur the murmur of a man. [1586] It isn't silence, it's pitfalls, into which
nothing would please me better than to fall,
uttering with the little cry that might be taken
for human, like a wounded ouistiti, the
first and last, and vanish for good good,
having squeaked. [1587] Well, if they ever succeed
in having me in getting me to impart a voice
to Worm, in a moment of euphoria, who
knows, perhaps I'll make it mine, in a
moment of confusion. [1588] There we have the stake. [1589]
But they won't succeed. [1590] xxx xxx Were they
able to get Mahood to talk? [1591] It seems to me not. [1592] I think Murphy talked from time to time,
the others too perhaps, I don't remember, but
it was clumsily done, I could see the
ventriloquist. [1593] I feel it's about to begin. [1594]
They must consider me sufficiently besotted,
with all their balls about being & existing. [1595] Yes, now that I've forgotten who Worm is, what
xxx he's like, where he is, I'll begin to be he. [1596] Anything rather than these college quips. [1597] Quick, a place. [1598] Inaccessible, inescapable,
With no way in, no way out, a safe place. [1599] Not like Eden. [1600] And Worm inside. [1601] Feeling
nothing, knowing nothing, capable of nothing,
wanting nothing. [1602] Until the instant he hears
this sound that will never stop. [1603] Then it's the
end, Worm ceases no longer is. [1604] We know it,
but we don't say it, we say it's the awakening,
the beginning of Worm, for now we must speak,
and speak of Worm. [1605] It's no longer he, xx
but let us proceed as if it were still he,
whose ear trembles, who hears, xxx and trembles,
and is committed to unhappiness, and to the
delivered over, to unhappiness, and affliction,
and the struggle to withstand it, the anxious
eye, the labouring mind xxx [1606] Yes, let us
call that thing Worm, so as to exclaim,
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