MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

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[p. 01r]Jan. 1958 [2124] where they are, what they're doing or why everything is going so badly, so abominably badly, that must be it. [2125] So they build up hypotheses that collapse one on top of the other, it's human, a lobster couldn't do it. [2126] We're in a nice state ^mess, the whole lot of us, is it possible we're all in the same boat, no, perish such a thought, we're in a nice mess each one in his own way. [2127] I myself have been scandalously bungled, they must be beginning to realize it, [me on] whom all depends (?), better still, about whom, much better, all turns, giddily, yes yes, don't protest, all whirls, it's a head, I'm in a head, what an illumination, sssst, pissed on out of hand. [2128] Ah this blind voice, and these moments of held breath when everybody listens wildly, and the voice that begins to fumble again, without knowing what it's looking for, and again the tiny silence, and the listening, for what, no one knows, a sign of life perhaps, that must be it, a sign of life escaping from one, and sure to be denied if it came, that's it surely, if all that could only stop, [xxx] there would be peace, no, [it'd be no] there'd be [no] [believing] in it, no [slipping] the listening, for the voice to begin again, for a sign of life, for some one to betray himself, or for something else, anything, what else can there be but signs of life, a fall the fall of a pin, the stirring of a leaf, or the little [x] squeak th cry that frogs give when the scythe cuts them in two, or when when they are spiked, in the water, with a spear, one could multiply the examples, it would even be an excellent idea, but there it is, one can't. DOODLE 1 [2129] Perhaps it would be better to be blind, the blind hear better, no lack of information full of [xxx] information we are, we have piano tuners up our sleeve, they strike A and hear G, two minutes later, there's nothing to be seen in any case, this eye is an oversight. [2130] But it isn't Worm speaking. [2131] True, up to now, who [says] it denies it, it would be premature. [2132] Nor I, for that matter, [2133] and Mahood is notoriously aphonic (?). [2134] But the question is not there, for the moment, [xxx] no one knows where it is, but it's there, for the time being. [2135] Yes, there's great fun to be got from an eye, it weeps for the least little thing, a yes, a no, the yesses make it weep, the noes too, the perhapses particularly, with the result that the [motives] for these stupefying [xxx] do not motifying (?) of these staggering pronouncements does not

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[2135] [p. 02r] always receive ^all the attention it deserves. [2136] Mahood too, I mean Worm, Worm too, no, Mahood ^too is a great weeper, in case it hasn't been mentioned. [2137] His beard is soaking with it, it's completely ridiculous, especially as it doesn't relieve him in the least, what could it possibly relieve him of, he's as cold as camphor the poor brute is as cold as camphor, incapable even of cursing his creator, it's just mechanical. [2138] But it's time Mahood was forgot, he should never have been mentioned. [2139] No doubt. [2140] But is it possible to forget him? [2141] It is true one forgets everything. [2142] And yet it is greatly to be feared tha Mahood will never let himself be resorbed, completely. [2143] Worm yes, he'll disappear completely, as if he had never been, which indeed is very probably the case, as if one could disappear completely, without having ever been previously. [2144] That's an easy thing to say. [2145] But Mahood too for that matter. [2146] It's not clear, tut tut, it's not clear at all. [2147] No matter. Mahood will stay where he was put, stuck up to his skull in his vase, opposite the shambles, supplicating the passers-by, [xx] without a word or a gesture or any play of features, they're not playful, to perceive him visibly, at the same time as the day's dish, or [independly,] independently, for reasons unknown, perhaps in order to believe himself in the swim, that is to say sure to sink, sooner or later, that must be it, such ideas ^notions may be entertained, without thought thinking. [2148] I myself am exceptionally given to the tear, I didn't want to [mention] ^{[refer to]} it, in their position I should wd. have [left out th] omitted this detail, the truth being that I have no [xxx] ^exutory at my disposal, literally none, neither the one above-mentioned nor the less noble, how can one be well under such conditions, and what is one to believe, that is not the point, to believe this or that, the point is to [xxx hit on] guess right, that's all, ^{nothing more,} they say, If it's not black it's probably white, it must be admitted the method lacks method lacks subtlety, in view of [xxx] the intermediate shades all equally worthy of being given a chance.[2149] [xx] And the time they waste repeating the same thing, when they must know perfectly well that it's not the right one. [2150] Recriminations easily refuted, if they chose to take the trouble, and if they had time, to reflect on their inanity.

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[2151] [p. 03r]But [xx] how can you reflect ^think and speak ^{say something} at the same time, reflect on what you have said, are saying, may say, think about what ^[thoughts] you have spoken, are speaking, may speak, while speaking, you think [xxx] think about what you have said, are saying, may say, and go on saying, you think about any old thing, you say any old thing, more or less, more or less, you heap on yourself [undeserved] reproaches, and can't reply to them, the subject changes, that's why they always repeat the same thing, the same litany, the one they know by heart, it's to try and think about something else ^different, about how to say something else different from the same thing, always the same wrong thing said always wrong, they find nothing can think of nothing, they can think of nothing else to say but the thing that prevents them from thinking, they'd be better employed advised to think of what they're saying, in order to [xxx] vary his presentation at least, it's the presentation that counts, but how can you [x] think and say something at the same time, it requires a special faculty, your thought wanders, your words too, far apart, no, that's an exaggeration, apart, it's between them between them would be the place to be, where you suffer, rejoice, to be bereft of speech, bereft of thought, and where you feel nothing, hear nothing, know nothing, say nothing, are nothing, that would be a blessed place to be, [th] where you are. [2152] Fortunately ^{[Yes,] It's a lucky thing} they are there, there in the sense of anywhere of course, to bear the responsibility of this state of affairs, on the subject of ^{with respect} which if not very much is known one does not know very much, one knows at least this, that one would care to have it on one's conscience, to have it on one's stomach is enough. [2153] Yes, fortunately I'm a lucky man to have them, these speaking shades voluble shades, I won't have [them] ^{[them all]} for ever, I feel it, they'll make me believe I've piped up before they're finished. [2154] The master in any case, we don't intend, look at them pulling in their horns, we don't intend, unless absolutely necessary, to make the mistake of inquiring into him, he'd turn out to be a mere high official, we'd end up by having need of God, we may be necessitous, but [that] we may have lost all pride, but [that] there are certain infamies one prefers to avoid. [2155] Let us keep to the family circle, it's more intimate, we know each other by now, no surprises to be feared, the will has been opened, nothing for anybody.

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[2156] [p. 04r] This eye, strange that this eye attracts ^{demands invites} attention ^inspection , begs [for] solicits interest begs to be helped, [for] sympathy, [calls] for attention, solicits interest, impl begs for ^{demands sympathy solicits attention implores help} This eye, strange how this eye invites inspection, demands sympathy, solicits attention, implores help assistance, to do what, it's not clear, to weep no stop weeping, look [to] see, [blaze] briefly and be closed. [2157] [xxx] It's it you see and it alone, in this face, it you start from to look for face, it you come back to having found nothing, nothing worth while, nothing but a kind of ashen smear, perhaps it's long grey hair, hanging in a tangle about the mouth, greasy with old tears, or the fringe of a [tattered] ^ragged mantle spread like a veil, or fingers opening and closing to try and shut out the world, or all together, fingers, hair and rags, inextricably mingled. [2158] Suppositions all equally senseless, it's enough to enounce them, to regret having spoken, familiar feeling, an other ^{a different} past, it's often desirable, to be wished, a different past from yours, when you find it out. [2159] He is hairless, naked, and his hands, resting ^flat on his knees, are in [xx] no danger of mischief resting flat on his knees for once and for all, are in no danger of getting into mischief. [2160] Then where is the face? [2161] Balls, all balls, I don't believe in the eye either, there's nothing here, nothing to see, nothing that sees, that's a blessed coincidence, when you think what it would be, a world without a looker-on, and vice versa, brrr! [2162] No spectator then, and what is more no spectacle, good riddance. [2163] If this noise would stop there'd be nothing more to say. [2164] I wonder what the chat is about just now. [2165] Worm presumably. [2166] Mahood is abandoned. [2167] [And] [my turn hasn't come.] I await my turn. [2168] Yes, [I do not despair] I do not despair, all things considered, of drawing their attention to my case, some day. [2169] Not that it offers the least interest, what ^hey, something wrong there, not that it is particularly interesting, agreed, I've agreed, but it's my turn, I too have the right to recognized as impossible. [2170] This will never end, [there's no point] there's no point in codding oneself, yes it will, they'll see, after me it will be [over] ended, they'll desist, they'll say, All that doesn't exist, we've [have] been told a lot of lies, he's been told a lot of lies, who he, the master, by whom, no one knows, the eternal third party, he's the one responsible for this state of affairs, the master has no [place] in it, neither have they, neither have I, least of all I, [we] should never we were foolish to [xxx xxx] blame one another, the master me, them, himself, they me, the master, themselves, I them, the master, myself, we are all innocent, enough.