MS-HRC-SB-5-3

[0004] ... out ... into this world ... this world ... tiny little thing... before its time ... in a godfor -^- ... what? ... girl? ... yes ... tiny little girl ... into this ... out into this ... before her time ... godforsaken hole called ... called ... no matter ... [0005] parents unknown ... unheard of ... he having vanished ... thin air ... no sooner buttoned up his breeches ... she similarly ... eight months later ... almost to the tick ... [0006] so no love ... spared that ... no love such as normally vented on the ... [0006] speechless infant ... in the home ... no ... nor indeed for that matter any of any kind ... no love of any kind ... at any subsequent stage ... so typical affair ... nothing of any note [0007] till coming up to sixty when -^- ... what? ... seventy? ... good [0007] God! ... coming up to seventy when^[₰] ... wandering in a field ... looking aimlessly for cowslips ... to make a ball ... a few steps then stop ... stare into space ... ^{then on ... a few more ...} stop and stare again ... so on ... drifting around ... when suddenly ... gradually ... all went out ... all that early April morning light ... and she found herself in the - ... what? ...

[0007] who? ... what? ... no ...^[₰] no! ... SHE! ^she! ... (pause and movement 1 ) ... found herself in the dark ... [0008] and if not exactly ... insentient ... insentient ... for she could still hear the buzzing ... so-called!^[₰] ... in the ears ... and a ray of light came and went ... came and went ... such [0008] as the moon might cast ... drifting ... in and out of cloud ... but so dulled ... feeling ... feeling so dulled ... she did not know ... what position she was in!^[₰] ... imagine! ... what position she was in!^{! .}.. whether standing ... or sitting ... but the brain - ^... what? ... kneeling? ... yes ... whether [0008] standing ... or sitting ... or kneeling ... but the brain - ... what? ... lying? ... yes ... whether standing ... or sitting ... or kneeling ... or lying [0009] ... but the brain still ... still ... in a way ... for her first thought was ... oh long after !^[₰] ... sudden flash ... brought up as she had been to believe ... [0009] with the other waifs ... in a merciful ... (brief laugh ) ... God ... (good laugh ) ... [0010] first thought was ... oh long after ^{... sudden flash} ... she was being punished ... for her sins ... a number of which then ... further proof if proof were needed ... flashed through her mind ... one after another ... [0011] then dismissed as [0011] foolish ... oh long after!^[₰] ... this thought dismissed ... as she suddenly realized ... gradually realized ... she was not suffering.^..imagine! ... not suffering!^! ... indeed could not remember ... off-hand ... when she had suffered less ... unless of course she was ... meant to be suffering ... ha! ... thought to be [0011] suffering ... just as the odd time ... in her life ... when clearly intended to be having pleasure ... she was in fact ... having none ... not the slightest ... in which case of course ... that notion of punishment ... for some sin or other ... or for the lot ... or no particular reason ... for its own sake ... thing [0011] she understood perfectly ... that notion of punishment ... which had first occurred to her ... brought up as she had been to believe ... with the other waifs ... in a merciful ... (brief laugh ) ... God ... (good laugh ) ... first occurred to her ... then dismissed ... as foolish ... was perhaps not so foolish [0011] ... after all ... so on ... all that ... vain reasonings ... [0012] till another thought ... oh long after!^[₰] ... sudden flash ... very foolish really but - ... what? ... the buzzing? ... yes ... all the time the buzzing ... so-called!^[₰] ... in the ears ... though of course

[0012] actually ... not in the ears at all ... in the skull ... dull roar in the skull ... and all the time this ray or beam ... like moonbeam ... but probably not ... certainly not ... always the same spot ... now bright ... now shrouded ... but always the same spot ... as no moon could ... no ... no [0012] moon ... just all part of the same wish to ... torment ... though actually in point of fact ... not in the least ... not a twinge ... so far ... ha! ... so far ...this other thought then ... oh,^[₰] long after ... sudden flash ... very foolish really but so like her ... in a way ... that she might do well to ^... [0012] groan ... on and off ... writhe she could not ... as if in actual ... agony ... [0013] but could not ... could not bring herself ... some flaw in her make-up ... incapable of deceit ... or the machine ... more likely the machine ... so disconnected ... never got the message ... or powerless to respond ... [0013] like numbed ... couldn't make the sound ... not any sound ... no sound of any kind ... no screaming for help for example ... should she feel so inclined ... scream ... (screams ) ... then listen ... (silence ) ... scream again ... (screams again ) ...^then listen again ... (silence ) ... no ... spared [0013] that ... [0014] all silent as the grave ... no part - ... what? ... the buzzing? ... yes ... all silent but for the buzzing ... so-called!^[₰] ... [0015] no part of her moving ... that she could feel ... just the eyelids ... presumably ... on and off ... shut out the light ... reflex they call it ... no feeling of any [0015] kind ... but the lids ... even best of times ... who feels them? ... opening ... shutting ... all that moisture ... [0016] but the brain still ... still sufficiently ... oh very much so! ... at this stage ... in control ... under control ... to question even this ... for on that April morning ... so it reasoned [0016] ... that April morning ... she fixing with her eye ... a distant bell ... as she hastened towards it ... fixing it with her eye ... lest it elude her ... had not all gone out ... all that light ... of itself ... without any ... any ... on her part ... so on ... so on it reasoned ... vain questionings ... and all [0016] dead still ... sweet silent as the grave ... when suddenly ... gradually ... she realiz - ... what? ... the buzzing? ... yes ... all dead still but for the buzzing ... [0017] when suddenly she realized ... words were - ... what? ... who? ... what? ... no ...^[₰] no! ... SHE!^{[₰] she!} ... (pause and movement 2 )

[0017] ... realized ... words were coming ^{... imagine!} ... words were coming!^[₰] ... a voice she did not recognize ... at first ... so long since it had sounded [0018] ... then finally had to admit ... could be none other ... than her own ... certain vowel sounds ... she had never heard ... elsewhere ... so that people would stare [0018] ... the rare occasions ... once or twice a year ... always winter some strange reason ... stare at her uncomprehending ... and now this stream ... steady stream ... she who had never ... on the contrary ... practically speechless ... all her days ... how she survived! [0019] ... even shopping ...[⁁] ^{out shopping ...} [0019] busy shopping centre ... supermart ... just handed^[₰] in the list ... with the bag ... old black shopping bag ... then stood ^stand there waiting ... any length of time ... middle of the throng ... motionless ... staring into space ... mouth half open as usual ... till it was back in her hand ... the bag back in her [0019] hand ... then pay and go ... not as much as goodbye ... how she survived! ... and now this stream ... not catching the half of it ... not the quarter ... no idea ... what she was saying ... imagine! ... no idea what she was saying!^! ... [0020] till she began trying to ... delude herself ... it was not hers at all ... [0020] not her voice at all ... and would have no doubt  ... vital she should ... was on the point ... after long efforts ... [0021] when suddenly she felt ... gradually the^she felt ... her lips moving ... imagine! ... her lips moving!^! ... as of course till then she had not ... and not alone the lips ... the cheeks ... the jaws [0021] ... the whole face ... all those - ... what? ... the tongue? ... yes ... the tongue in the mouth ... all those contortions without which ... no speech possible ... and yet ...^[₰] in the ordinary way ... not felt at all ... so intent one is ... on what one is saying ... the whole being ... hanging on its words [0021] ... so that not only she had ... had she ... not only had she ... to give up ... admit hers alone ... her voice alone [0022] ... but this other awful thought ^{... oh long after} ... sudden flash ... oh long after! ...^[₰] even more awful if possible ... that feeling was coming back ^{... imagine!} ... feeling was^[₰] coming back! ... starting at the top ... then [0022] working down ... the whole machine ... but no ... spared that ... the mouth alone ... so far ... ha! ... so far ... [0023] then thinking ... oh long after!^[₰] ... sudden flash ... it can't go on ... all this ... all that ... steady stream ... straining to hear ... make something of it ... and her own thoughts ... make something of them ... all - ... W^what? ... the buzzing?