[p. 71r]
[1294] familiar monument, so that I might say, I am in my town, after all, I have been there all the time. [1295] The town was waking, doors opening and shutting, soon the noise would be deafening. [1296] But espying a narrow alley between two high buildings I lookded about me, then slipped into it. [1297] Only little windows overlooked it, on either side, on every floor, [1298] face to face. [1299] Lavatory lights I suppose. [1300] There are things from time to time, in spite of everything, that impose themselves on the understanding with the force of axioms, for unknown reasons.
[1301] There was no way out of the alley, it was not so much an alley as a gblind alley. [1302] At the end there were two recesses, no, that's not the word, opposite each other, littered with miscellaneous rubbish and with exfcrements, of dogs and masters, some dry and odorless, others still humid. [1303] Ah those papers that none will read again, perhaps never read. [1304] Here lovers must have lain at night and exchanged their vows.
[1305] I entered one of the alcoves, wrong again, and leant against the wall. [1306] I would have preferred to lie down and there was no proof that I wouldn't. [1307] But for the moment I was content to lean against the wall, my feet far from the wall, on the verge of slipping, but I had other props, the tips of my crutches. [1308] But a few minutes later I crossed the alley,and went into the other chapel, that's the word, where I felt I would feel better, and settled myself in the same hypotenusal posture.
[1309] Ahnd at first I did actually seem to feel a little better, [1310] but little by little I acquired the conviction that such was not the case. [1311] A fine rain was falling and I took off my hat to give my skull the benefit of it, my skull all cracked and furrowed and burning, burning. [1312] But I took it off equally because it was digging into my neck, because of the thrust of the wall.
[1313] So I had two good reasons for taking it off and they were none too many, neither alone would ever have prevailed I feel. [1314] I threw it away with a careless lavish gesture and back it came, at the end of its string or lace, and after a frew throes
[p. 72r]
[1314] came to rest against my side. [1315] At last I began to think, that is to say to listen harder. [1316] Little chance of my being found there, I was in peace for as long as I could endure peace. [1317] For the space of an instant I imagined envisaged settling down there, making it my lair and sanctuary, for the space of an instant. [1318] I took the vegetable knife from my pocket and set about opening my wrist. [1319] But pain soon got the better of me.
[1320] First I cried out, then I gave up, closed the khnife and put it back in my pocket. [1321] I wasn't particularly disappointed, in my heart of hearts I hadn't hoped for anything else. [1322] And that was that. [1323] And backsliding has always depressed me, but life seems made up of back sliding, and death itself must be a kind of backsliding, I wouldn't be surprised. [1324] Did I mention the wind? Did I say it had fallen? [1325] A fine rain falling, somehow that seems to exclude all idea of wind.
[1326] My knees are enormous, I had just seen them, when I got up for a second. [1327] My two legs are stiff as a life-sentence and yet I sometimes get up. [1328] What can you expect. [1329] So from time to time I shall recall my present existence compared to which this is a nursery tale. [1330] But only from time to time, so that it may be said, when the time comes, Is it possible that thing is still alive?
[1331] Or again, Oh it's only a diary, it'll soon be over. [1332] That my knees are enormous, that I still get up from time to time, these are things that do not seem at first sight to signify anything in particular. [1333] I record them all the more willingly. [1334] In the end I left the impasse, where half-standing half-lying I may have had a little sleep, my little morning sleep, and I set off, believe it or not, towards the sun, why not, the wind having fallen.
[1335] Or rather towards the least gloomy quarter of the heavens which a vast cloud was shrouding from the zenith to the skylines. [1336] It was from this cloud the above rain was falling. [1337] See how all things hang together. [1338] And as to making up my mind which quarter of the heavens was the least gloomy, it was no easy matter. [1339] For at
[p. 73r]
[1339] first sight the heavens seemed uniformly gloomy. [1340] But with a little pains, for in my life I sometimes was at pains, I obtained a result, that is to say I took a decision, in this matter. [1341] So I was able to continue on my way, saying, I am going towards the sun, that is to say in theory towards the East, or perhaps the South-East, for I am no longer with Lousse, but out in the heart again of this pre-established harmony, which makes so sweet a music, which is so sweet a music, for him who has ears to hear.
[1342] Perople were coming and going with rare exceptions with nervous precipitate step, some in the shelter of the umbrella, others in that perhaps a little less effective of the rainproof coat. [1343] And others there were who had taken refuge under trees and archways. [1344] And among those who, more courageous or less delicate, came and went, and among those who had stopped, to avoid getting wet, many a one must have said, They are right, I am wrong, meaning by they the category to which they did not belong, or so I imagine.
[1345] As many a one too must have said, I am right, they are wrong, while continuing to storm against the foul weather that revealed people thus. [1346] But at the sight of a young old man of wretched aspect, shivering all alone in a narrow doorway, I suddenly remembered the project conceived the day of my encounter with Lousse and her dog and which this encounter had prevented me from carrying out. [1347] So I went and stood beside the old man, with the air I ohoped of one who says, Here's a clever fellow, let me follow his example.
[1348] But before I could make my olittle speech, which I wished to seem spontaneous and so did not make at once, he went out into the rain and away. [1349] For this speech was one liable, in virtue of its content, if not to offend at least to astonish. [1350] And that was why it was important to deliver it at the right moment and in the right tone. [1351] I apologise for these details, in a moment we'll go faster, much faster. [1352] And then perhaps relapse again into a wealth of filthy circumstance. [1353] But which in its turn again will give rise to vast frescoes, dashed off
[p. 74r]
[1353] with loathing. [1354] Homo mensura can't do without staffage. [1355] There I am then in my turn alone, in the doorway. [1356] I could not hope for anyone to come and stand beside me, and yet I did not wexclude that possiblility. [1357] That's a fairly good caricature of my state of mind at that instant. [1358] Net result, I stayed where I was. [1359] I had stolen from Lousse a little silver, ah nothing much, massive teaspoons for the most part, and other tiny objects whose utility I did not grasp but which seemed as if they ought to be worth something. [1360] Among these latter there was one which haunts me still, from time to time.
[1361]
It consisted of two crosses joined, at their points of intersection, by a bar, and resembled a tiny sawing-horse, with this difference however, that the crosses of the true sawing-horse are not perfect crosses, but truncated at the to,p, whereas the crosses of the little object I am referring to were perfect, that is to say composed each of two identical V's, one upper with its opening above, like all V's for that matter, and the other lower with its opening below, or more precisely of four rigourously identical V's, the two I have just named and then two more, one on the right hand, the other on the left, having their openings on the right and the left respectively.
[1362] But perhaps it is out of place to speak here of right and left, of upper and lower. [1363] For this little object did not seem to have any base properly so-called, but stood with equal stability on any one of its four bases, and without any change of appearance, which is not true of the sawing-horse.
[1364] This strange instrument I think I still have somewhere, for I could never bring myself to sell it, even in my worst need, for I could never understand what on earth it could be for, nor even contrive the faintest hypothesis on the subject. [1365] And from time to time I took it from my pocket and gazed upon it, with an astonished and affectionate gaze, if I had not been incapable of affection. [1366] But for a certain time I think it inspired me with a kind of verneration, for there was no doubt
[p. 75r]
[1366] in my mind that it was not an objet de vertu, but had a most specific function always to be hidden from me. [1367] I could therefore puzzle over it endlessly and run no risk. [1368] For to know nothing is nothing, not to want to know anything too, but not to be able to know anything, to know you are unable to know anything, that is when peace enters in, to the soul of the incurious seeker.
[1369] It is then the true division begins, of twenty-two by seven for example, and the pages fill with the true ciphers at last. [1370] But I would rather not affirm anything on this subject. [1371] What does seem undeniable to me on the contrary is that giving in to the evidence, to a very strong probablility rather, I left the shelter of othe doorway, levering myself forward, swinging slowly through the sullen air.
[1372] There is rapture, or there shoudld be, in the motion crutches give. [1373] It's a series of little flights, skimming the ground. [1374] You take off, you land, through the throng sound in wind and limb, who have to fasten one foot to the ground before they dare lift up the other. [1375] And even their most joyous hastening is less aerial than my hobble. [1376] But these are reasonings, based on analysis.
[1377] And though my mind was still taken up with my mother, and with the desire to know if I was near her, it was gradually less so, perhaps because of the silver in my pockets, but I think not, and then too because these were ancient cares and the mind cannot always broord on the same cares, but needs fresh cares from time to time, so as to revert with renewed vigour, when the time comes, to ancient cares. [1378] But can one speak here of fresh and ancient cares?
[1379] I think not. [1380] But it would be hard for me to prove it. [1381] What I can assert, without fear of —without fear, is that I gradually lost interest in knowing, among tother things, what town I was in and if I should soon find my mother and settle the matter between us. [1382] And even the nature of that matter grew dim, for me, without however vanishing completely. [1383] For it was no small matter and I was bent on it. [1384] All my life, I think, I had been bent on it.