MS-HRC-SB-5-9-2

[p. 09v]
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[p. 10r]DOODLE 22 [1297] The essential is never to arrive anywhere, never to be anywhere, neither where Mahood is, nor where Worm is, nor where I am, xxx it little matters thanks to what dispensation. [1298] The essential is to squirm go on squirming to the end at the end of the line, as long as there are waters, banks and xxx ^ravening in heaven a sporting God to plague ^{angle for} his creature, with the help help of his chosen shits. [1299] I've swallowed three hooks and am still hungry. [1300] Hence the howls. [1301] What a joy to know where you are, and where you'll stay, without being there! [1302] Nothing to do but stretch out comfortably on the rack, in the blissful knowledge you are nobody for all eternity. [1303] A pity I have to I should be obliged to give tongue at the same time, it prevents ^it from bleeding in peace, licking the lips. [1304] Well I suppose one can't have everything, so late in the proceedings. [1305] They'll surely bring me to the surface one day an or another and all then sink their differences and agree that it wasn't worth while going to xxx so much trouble for such a paltry kill, for such paltry killers. [1306] What silence then! [1307] And now a little visit to Worm, he will appreciate that my sweet Worm, the cur will appreciate that. [1308] I'll soon see if the other is still lying in wait after me. [1309] But ix if even if he isn't nothing will come of it, he wouldn't get me, I won't be delivered of from him, I xx speak of Worm, I swear it, the other didn't get, I wasn't delivered from him, it's past history, up to the present. [1310] I am he who will not be had, will not be delivered, who crawls between the thwarts, towards the new day that promises to be glorious, festooned with lifebelts, praying for shipwreck. [1311] The third line falls plumb from the skies, it's for my soul, [1312] I'd have hooked it to it lon her to it long ago, if I knew where she was. [1313] That brings us up to four, gathered together. [1314] I knew it, there would be a hundred of us and still we'd need a hundred and first, [1315] we'll always be short of me. [1316] Worm, I nearly said Watt, Worm, what is there to be said ^{can I say} about Worm who hasn't the wit to make himself understood. [1317] What can I say to still this gnawing of termites in my Punch and Judy? [1318] What can I say that could not just as well be said of the other? [1319] Perhaps it's by trying to be Worm that I'll finally succeed in being Mahood, hadn't thought of that! [1320] Then it will be merely a all I'll need to do is to be Worm. [1321] Which no doubt I shall achieve by trying to be Smith. [1322] Then all I'll need to do is to be Smith. [1323] Stop, perhaps he'll spare me that, perhaps he'll have compassion, and let me stop there. [1324] The dawn will not always

[p. 10v]
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[1324] [p. 11r] be rosy. [1325] Worm, Worm, just the three of us, and come what may. [1326] It seems to me besides that I must already ^{have already made}, contrary to what it seems to me I must have already said, some efforts in that direction. [1327] I should have noted them, xxx if only in my head. [1328] But Worm cannot note. [1329] There at least is a first affirmation, that is to sa I mean negation, on which to build. [1330] Worm cannot note. [1331] Can Mahood note? [1332] That's it, weave, weave. [1333] Yes, it is the p characteristic (among others) of Mahood to note, even if he does not always succeed, certain things, indeed all things, in such so as to turn them to account, for his governance. [1334] And in fact ^indeed we have seen him do so, in the yard, in his jar, in a sense. [1335] I knew it wd. be enough for me to try and talk of Worm to begin talking of Mahood, with more felicity and understanding than ever. [1336] How close ^{to me} he suddenly seems, squinting up at the medals of the hippophagist Decroix. [1337] It is the hour of the apéritif, already people halt, to read the menu. [1338] Charming hour, particularly when, it as sometimes happens, it is that of the setting sun whose last rays, raking the street from end to end, xxx xxx lend to my monument an interminable shadow, astride the astraddle the gutter and the sidewalk. [1339] There was a time I used to contemplate it, when I was freer than now to turn my head to turn my xx head than I am now, since they put on my collar. [1340] Then I knew that there, far down there far from me, my head was lying and people walking ^treading xx on it, and on my flies, which x went on gliding none the less, prettily on the ground. [1341] And I saw the people coming towards me, all along my shadow, followed by long faithful trembling shadows. [1342] For sometimes I confuse myself with my shadow, and sometimes I don't. [1343] And sometimes I don't confuse myself with my jar, and sometimes do. [1344] It all depends what mood we're in. [1345] And often I went on looking, without flinching, until, ceasing to be, I ceased to see. [1346] Delicious instant truly, coinciding from time to time, as already observed, with that of the apéritif. [1347] But this joy, which for my part I should have thought harmless, and without danger for the public, is something I have had to go without, since I xx they put on my collar, xxx which maintains my face turned towards the railings, just above the menu, for the customer must be for it is indispensable that the customer should be able to compose his meal without the risk of being run over.

[p. 11v]
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[1348] [p. 12r] The meat, in this quarter, is highly th has a high reputation, and people come from far away a distance, a great distance, on purpose to eat it. [1349] Which having done, they hurry away. [1350] By ten o'clock in the evening all is silent, as the grave, as the saying is. [1351] This xxxs from my observations, accumulated over a long period of years and constantly subjected to a process of induction. [1352] Here all is killing and eating. [1353] This evening there is tripe. [1354] It's a winter dish, or a late autumn one. [1355] Soon Marguerite will come and light me up. [1356] She is late. [1357] More than one Already more than one passer-by has flashed his lit his petrol-lighter under my nose, the better to read what I shall now describe, for the sake of elegance, as the bill of fare. [1358] Please God nothing has happened to my benefactress. [1359] I shall not see her coming, I shall not hear her steps, because of the snow. [1360] All morning I have remained under my cover. [1361] When the first frosts come she makes me a nest of rags, well tucked in all about me, to prevent chills. [1362] It's snug. [1363] I wonder will she powder my skull this evening, with her big puff. [1364] It's her latest invention. [1365] She's always thinking of something new, to relieve me. [1366] She would like my pustules to stop oozing! [1367] If only the earth could quake. [1368] The shambles would swallow me up. [1369] Through the railings, at the end of a clearing between two blocks of buildings, the sky appears to me. [1370] A bar moves over and shuts it off, when I wish. [1372] If I could raise my head I would see it pour into the main of the firmament. [1373] What is there to add, to these particulars? [1374] The evening is only beginning, I know that, don't let's go just now, not yet say goodbye for once more for ever, to this heap of rubbish. [1375] What about trying to think while waiting for something intelligible to occur, just. [1376] Just this once. [1377] Almost immediately I have an idea, I should really concentrate more often. [1378] Quick let me record it, before it vanishes. [1379] How is xx it that the people don't notice me take no notice of me? [1380] I seem to exist for none but Madeleine. [1381] That a passer by pressed for time, in full flight or giving chase, should fail should have no eyes for, that I can conceive. [1382] But those ^the loungers come to hear the cattle's bellows of pain and who, visibly xxx xxx killing time, pace up and down while waiting for the butchery to begin? [1383] The hungry compelled by the position of the menu, and whether they like it or not, to stand literally face to face with me, in the full blast of my breath? [1384] And the children going towards the outskirts and coming

[p. 12v]
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[1384] [p. 13r] back, all out for fun. [1385] It seems to me that even a human face head, recently washed and with a few hairs on top, should be quite a popular curiosity in the position occupied by mine. [1386] Can be out of discret discretion, and reluctance to hurt, that they affect to be unaware of my existence? [1387] But that is a refinement of feeling which ^one can hardly be attributed to the attributed to the dogs which come and piss against my abode, without appearing to never doubting apparently this it contains some skin and bones. [1388] It follows therefore that I have no smell either. [1389] And yet if anyone should have a smell, it is I. [1390] How, under these conditions, can Mahood expect me to behave normally? [1391] The flies vouch for me if you like, but up to what point how far? [1392] Would they settle with equal appetite on a lump of cowshit? [1393] No, as long as until further light as long as this point is not cleared up, or as long as to my satisfaction, or as long as I xxx xxx am not distinguished by some person other than Madeleine, it is quite impossible for me to believe, sufficiently to continue my act, the things that are told about me. [1394] I should xx further remark, with regard to this mark of recognition testimony that seems to me I consider which I consider indispensable, that xxx xx xxx shall ^{xxx shortly xxx} I shall be no longer in a fit condition to receive it, so greatly have my faculties declined, in recent times. [1395] It is obvious that we have here a principle of change pregnant with possibilities. [1396] But say I succeed in dying, to take the best hypothesis, without having been able to believe I ever lived, I know to my cost that it is not that they xxx wish for me. [1397] For that has it has happened to me many times already, without their having granted me even ^{as much} a brief sick leave, among the worms, before resurrecting me. [1398] But who knows what the future holds in store for me, on this occasion this time? [1399] That qua sentient and thinking being I should be deteriorating at headlong speed is in any case an excellent thing. [1400] Perhaps some day some gentleman, happening to pass with his sweetheart on his arm at the precise moment when my last is favouring me with a final vision (?) of the flight of time, will say, loud enough for me to hear, Oh I say, this man is ailing, we must call an ambulance! [1401] Thus with a single, when all seemed in vain, the two required birds. [1402] I shall be dead, but I shall have lived. [1403] Unless one supposes he was victim of a hallucination. [1404] Yes, to dispel all doubt his betrothed would need to say, You are right, my love, he looks as if he were

[p. 13v]
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[1404] [p. 14r] going to throw up. [1405] Then I'd know, [1406] and with my latest breath be born at last, or to the sound of one of those hiccups which mar alas too often the solemnity of death. [1407] When Mahood I once knew a doctor who held that the last gasp, from the strictly scientific point of view, could only issue from the fundament and this the orifice to which the family should present the mirror, before opening the will. [1408] However this may be, and without going any further into these macabre details, it is sure that ^certain I was grievously mistaken in supposing that death in itself could be regarded as evidence, or even a strong presumption, in favour of a preliminary life. [1409] And I for my part have no longer the least desire to leave this world where they keep trying in which they keep trying to drag me with the without some kind of assurance that I was there, such as for example a kick in the arse, or a kiss, the nature of the attention is of no importance, providing I cannot be suspected of being its author. [1410] No, not the least desire, for I know it serves no purpose, changes nothing, puts an end to nothing. [1411] But let two third parties remark me, in all objectivity, there, before my eyes, and I'll take ^care of the rest. [1412] How all becomes clear and simple when one opens an eye on the within, on condition naturally having of course first exposed it to the without, in order to benefit by the contrast. [1413] I should be sorry, though exhausted, to abandon this fertile vein rich vein. [1414] For I shall not come back to it in a hurry, ah no. [1415] But enough of this cursed first person, it has ^is really xxx been going on too too much of a good thing, xxx such a red herring so red a herring, I'll get into trouble if I'm not careful out of my depth if I'm not careful. [1416] But what is the subject? Mahood? No, not yet. [1417] Worm? Even less. [1418] Bah, any old pronoun will do, provided one sees through it. [1419] Matter of habit. [1420] To be adjusted later. [1421] Where was I? [1422] Ah yes, the bliss feeling ^{the streams} of bliss, when all is clear and simple. [1423] The next thing is to conn somehow to connect this with the unfortunate Madeleine, who shows me such kindness and her great goodness. [1424] Such attentiveness attentiveness, the pertinacity with which she continues to acknowledge me, do not these sufficiently attest my real presence at this shop, in the Rue Brancion, never heard of in my island home. [1425] Would she rid me of my wretched excrements every Sunday, would