[1158] I could
describe it, I could have, a moment ago, as if I had been there,
in the form they chose for me, diminished certainly, not the man
I was, not much longer for this world, but the eyes still open
[p. 53r] to impressions, and one ear, sufficiently, and the head sufficiently obedient, to provide me with at least a vague idea of the
elements to be removed from the setting, for all to be empty
and silent. [1159] It was always the way. [1160] Just at the [/]moment when the
world is assembled at last, and it begins to dawn on me how I
can leave [⁁] it, all fades and disappears. [1161] I shall never see this place
again, where my jar stands on its pedestal, with its garland [/]of
many-coloured lanterns, and me inside it, I could not cling to it. [1162] Perhaps they will have me struck with lightning, for a change,
or poleaxed, one merry bank-holiday evening, then bundled in
my shroud and whisked away, out of sigt and mind. [1163] Or removed alive,
for a change, shifted and deposited elsewhere, at all
[/ ]hazards. [1164] And on my next appearance, if ever I appear again, all
will be new, new and strange. [1165] But little by little I'll get used
to it, with their help, used to the scene, used to me, and little
by little the old problem will raise its horrid head, how to live,
with their kind of life, for a single second, young or old, without
a helping hand. [1166] And being thus reminded of other attempts, in
other circumstances, I shall start asking myself questions, helped
by them, prompted by them, like those I have just been asking, concerning me, and them, and these sudden changes of time and
age, and how to succeed at last where I had always failed, so that
they may be pleased, and perhaps leave me in peace at last, and free
to do what I have to do, namely try and please the other, if that
is what I have to to do, so that he may be pleased, and leave me
in peace, and give me quittance, and the right to rest, and
silence, if that is in his gift. [1167] It's a lot to expect from one
creature, it's a lot to ask, that he should first behave as if
he were not, then as if he were, before being admitted to that peace
where he neither is, nor is not, and where the language dies that
permits of such expressions. [1168] Two falsehoods, two trappings, to
suffer to the end, before I can be let loose, alone, in the unthinkable unspeakable, where I have not ceased to be, where they
[p. 54r] will not let me be. [1169] It will perhaps be less restful than I appear
to think, alone there at last, and never importuned. [1170] No matter,
rest is one of their words, think is another. [1171] But here at least,
it seems to me, is food for delirium. [1172] What a shame if I should
pitch on something, and never notice it, another candle throw its
little light, and I none the wiser. [1173] Yes, I feel the moment has
come to look back, if I can, and take my bearings, if I am to
go on. [1174] If only I knew what I have said. [1175] Bah, no need to worry,
it can only have been one thing, the same as ever. [1176] I have my faults,
but changing my tune is not one of them. [1177] I have only to go on, as
if there was something to be done, something begun, somewhere to
go. [1178] It all boils down to a question of words, I must not forget it,
I have not forgotten it. [1179] [⁁] But I must have said this before, since
I say it now. [1180] I have to speak in a certain way, with warmth perhaps, everything is possible, first of the creature I am not, as if
I were he, and then, as if I were he, of the creature I am. [1181] Before
I can etc. [1182] It's a question of voices, of voices to keep going, in
the right manner, when they stop, on purpose, to put me to the test,
as now the one whose burden is roughly to the effect that I am
alive. [1183] Warmth, ease, conviction, the right manner, as if it were
my own voice, pronouncing my own words, words pronouncing me alive,
since that's the way they want me to be, I don't know why, with their
billions of quick, their trillions of dead, that's not enough for
them, I too must contribute my little convulsion, mewl, howl, gasp
and rattle, loving my neighbour and blessed with reason. [1184] But what
is the right manner, I don't know. [1185] It is they who dictate this
torrent of balls, they who stuffed me full of these groans that
choke me. [1186] And out it all pours, unchanged, I have only to belch
to be sure of hearing them, the same old sour teachings that I
can't change a tittle of. [1187] A parrot, that's what they're up against,
a parrot. [1188] If they had told me what I have to say, in order to meet
with their approval, I'd be bound to say it, sooner or later. [1190] But God
forbid, that would be too easy, my heart wouldn't be in it, I have to puke
my heart out too, spew it up whole along with the rest of the vomit,
[p. 55r] it's then at last I'll look as if I mean what I'm saying, it won't
be just idle words. [1191] Well, don't give up hope, keep your mouth
open and your stomach turned, perhaps you'll come out with it
one of these days. [1192] But the other voice, of him who does not share
this passion for the animal kingdom, who is waiting to hear from
me, what is its burden? [1193] Nice point, too nice for me. [1194] For on the
subject of myself properly so called, I know what I mean, so far
as I know I have received no information up to date. [1195] May one speak
of a voice, in these conditions? [1196] Probably not. [1197] And yet I do. [1198]
The fact is that all this business about voices requires to be
revised, corrected and then abandoned. [1199] Hearing nothing I am none the
less a prey to cummunications 
. [1200] And I speak of voices! After
all, why not, so long as one knows it's untrue. [1201] But there are
limits, it appears. [1202] Let them come. [1203] So nothing about me. [1204] That is
to say no connected statement. [1205] Faint calls, at long intervals. [1206] Hear me! [1207] Be yourself again! [1208] Someone has therefore something to say
to me. [1209] But not the least news concerning me, beyond the insinuation
that I am not in a condition to receive any, since I am not
there, which I knew already. [1210] I have naturally remarked, in a
moment of exceptional receptivity, that these exhortations are
conveyed to me by the same channel as that used by Mahood and Co
for their transports. [1211] That's suspicious, [1212] or rather would be if I
still hoped to obtain, from these revelations to come, some truth
of more value than those with which I have been plastered ever
since they took it into their heads I had better exist. [1213] But
this fond hope, which buoyed me up as recently as a moment ago, if
I remember right, has now past from me. [1214] Two labours then, to be
distinguished perhaps, as the mine from the quarry, on the plane
of the effort required, but identically deficient in charm and
interest. [1215] I. [1216] Who's that? [1217] The galley-slave, bound for the
Pillars of Hercules, who drops his oar under cover of night and
crawls between the thwarts, towards the rising sun, unseen by the
guard, praying for storm. [1218] Except that I've stopped praying for anything. [1219] No, no, I am still a suppliant. [1220] I'll get over it, between now
[p. 56r] and the last voyage, on this leaden sea. [1221] It's like the other
madness, the mad wish to know, remember, one's transgression. [1222] I won't be caught at that again, [1223] I'll leave it to the new-fledged
damned. [1224] And now let us think no more about it, think no more about
anything, think no more. [1225] On the one hand they are many, on the
other he is alone, he solicits me alone. [1226] They speak the same
language, the only one they taught me. [1227] They told me
there were others, [1228] I don't regret not knowing them. [1229] The moment the
silence is broken, in this way, it can only mean one thing. [1230]
Orders, prayers, threats, praise, reproach, reasons. [1231] Praise, yes,
they gave me to understand I was making progress. [1232] Well
done, sonny, that will be all for today, run along now back into your dark and
see you tomorrow. [1233] There I am, with my white beard, sitting among
the children, babbling, cringing from the ferule. [1234] I'll die in the
lower third, bowed down with years and impositions, four foot tall
again, like when I had a future, barelegged in my old black pinafore,
wetting my drawers. [1235] Pupil Mahood, for the twenty-five thousandth
time, what is a mammal? [1236] And I'll fall down dead, worn out by the
rudiments. [1237] But I'll have made progress, they told me so, only not
enough, not enough. [1238] Ah! [1239] Where was I, in my lessons? [1241] That is what has
had a fatal effect on my development, my lack of memory. [1242]
No doubt of it. [1243] Pupil Mahood, repeat after me, Man is a higher mammal. [1244] I couldn't. [1245] Always talking about mammals, in this menagerie. [1246] Frankly, between
ourselves, what the hell could it matter to pupil Mahood, that man
was this rather than that? [1247] Presumably nothing has been lost in any
case, since here it all comes slobbering out again, let loose by the
nightmare. [1249] I'll have my bellyful of mammals, I can see that from here,
before I wake. [1250] Quick, give me a mother and let me suck her white,
pinching my tits. [1251] But it's time I gave this solitary a name, [1252] nothing doing without proper names. [1253] I shall therefore call him
Worm. [1254] It was high time. [1255] Worm. [1256] I don't like it, but I haven't much
choice. [1257] It will be my name too, when the time comes, when I needn't
be called Mahood any more, if that happy time ever comes. [1258] Before
Mahhod there were others like him, of the same breed and creed,
[p. 57r] armed with the same prong. [1259] But Worm is the first of his kind. [1260] That's soon said. [1261] I must not forget that I don't know
him. [1262] Perhaps he too will weary, renounce the task of forming me
and make way for another, having paved the way. [1263] He has
not yet been able to speak his mind, [1264] only murmurs, I have not
ceased to hear his murmur, all the while the others discoursed. [1265] He has survived them all, Mahood too, if Mahood is dead. [1266] I can
hear him yet, faithful, begging me to still this dead tongue of
the living. [1267] I imagine that is what he says, in his unchanging tone. [1268] If I could be silent I would better understand what
he wants of me, wants me to be, wants me to say. [1269] Why doesn't he
thunder it at me and get it over? [1270] Too easy, it is I who must be
silent, hold my breath. [1271] But I can't have understood. [1272] For if
Mahhod were silent, Worm would be silent too. [1273] That the impossible
should be asked of me, good, what else could be asked of me? [1274] But
the absurd! [1275] Of me whom they have reduced to reason. [1276] It is
true poor Worm has no part or share in this. [1277] That's soon said.
[1278] But let me complete my views, before I shit on them. [1279] For if I am Mahood, I am Worm too. [1280] Plof. [1281] Or if I am not yet
Worm, I shall be when I cease to be Mahood. [1282] Plof. [1283] On now
to serious matters. [1284] No, not yet. [1285] Another tale of Mother Mahood
perhaps, to perfect my (besotment). [1286] No, not worth
the trouble, it will come at its appointed hour, the record is
in position from time immemorial all eternity. [1287] Yes, the big words must out
too, all be taken as it comes. [1288] The problem of liberty too, as sure
as fate, will come up for my consideration at the preestablished
moment. [1289] But perhaps I have been too hasty in opposing these two
fomenters of fiasco. [1290] Is it not the fault of one that I cannot
be the other? [1291] Accomplices therefore. [1292] That's the way to reason, warmly. [1293] Or is one to suppose a
tertius gaudens, meaning myself, responsible for this double
failure? [1294] Shall I come upon my true countenance at last, wreathed
in a smile? [1295] I have the feeling I shall be spared this spectacle. [1296] At no moment do I know what I am talking [⁁] about, nor of whom, nor
[p. 58r] of where, nor of when, nor how, nor why, but I could need fifty
wretches for this sinister operation and still be short of a fifty-first, to close the circuit, that I know, without knowing what it
means.