MS-HRC-SB-5-9-2

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[1161] [p. 05r] this place again, where my jar stands on its pedestal, with its garland of many-coloured lanterns, and me inside it, I lost my xxx hold I couldn't cling to it. [1162] Me perhaps they will ^{They will perhaps have me struck} to vary they will strike with lightning or lightning, or poleaxed, on a bank-holiday evening, then bundled xx in a shroud and whisked away, out of sight and mind. [1162] They will perhaps have me struck with lightning, for a change, or poleaxed, one merry bank-holiday evening, then bundled in a shroud and whisked away, out of sight and mind. [1163] Or they will have me removed alive, cleared away, for a change, and deposited elsewhere, at all hazards. [1164] And on my next appearance, if ever I appear again, all will be new, all will seem strange to me. [1165] But little by little I'll get used to it, with their help, used to the place, used to me, and little by little the old problem will raise its horrid head, how to live, ^{with their kind of life,} for a single second, young or old, without help or guidance. [1166] And this being thus reminded of other attempts, under other x conditions, I shall start asking myself questions, helped by them, prompted by them, like those I have just been asking, about me, about them concerning me, and them, and these sudden changes of time and age, and how to succeed at last xxx where I had always failed, so that they may be pleased, and perhaps leave me in peace at last, and free to pursue my own devices, that is namely to try and please the other to do what I want, th namely try and please the other, if that is what I want, so that he may be pleased, and leave me at peace, and give me quittance, and the right to rest, and the ri to silence, if that is in his gift. [1167] It's a lot to expect from one creature, it's a lot to demand of him, that he should first behave as if he did not ^{was not} exist, then as if he did ^was, before being admitted to that peace where he neither is, nor is not, and ^where the language dies that reduces one to such expressions. [1168] Two lies falsehoods, two apparels, to suffer to the end, before I can be let loose, alone, in the unthinkable unspeakable, where I have not ceased to be, where they will not let me be. [1169] It will perhaps be less restful than I seem to think, alone there at last, and never importuned. [1170] No matter, rest is one of their words, think is another. [1171] But here at least, it seems to me, is food for delirium. [1172] It would

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[1172] [p. 06r] a shame to come xxx pitch on something new, and never notice it. What a shame if I were to ^should pitch on something new, and never notice it, another candle be lit, without xxx, without my knowing throw its light, without my knowing it. [1173] Yes, I feel the moment has come to look back, if I can, and take my reckoning, if I am to continue. [1174] If only I knew what I have said. [1175] Bah, I need not worry, I have only it can only have been one thing, the same as usual. [1176] I am there is no danger of my changing my There is no danger of my changing my tune. [1177] I have only to continue, as if there was something to be done, something begun, somewhere to go. [1178] It all boils down to a question of words, I must not forget that, I have not forgotten it. [1179] I must have said xxx this before, since I say it now. [1180] I have to speak in a certain way, with warmth perhaps, everything is possible, first of the creature I am not, as if I were he, and then, as if I were he, of the creature I am. [1181] Before I can etc. DOODLE 10 [1182] It's a question of voices, of voices to keep ^prolong going, in the right way ^manner, when they stop, on purpose, to put me to the test, as xx now the one whose whose general gist is roughly to the effect that I am alive. [1183] Warmth, ease, conviction, the right manner, as if it were my own voice, speaking ^pronouncing my own words, and pronouncing me alive, since that's how they want me to be, I don't know why, with their billions of quick, their trillions of dead, that's not enough for them, I too must contribute my little convulsion, mewl, howl, gasp and rattle, ^{[1183] vagir mewl howl gasp rattle} loving my neighbour and blessed with reason. [1184] But is But what is the right manner, I don't know. [1185] It was they who taught me ^inspired this torrent of balls and glutted me ^with these groans that choke me. DOODLE 11 [1186] And out it pours, unchanged ^unalloyed, I have only to yawn to be surely hearing ^{sure of hearing} them, xxx old sour xxx teachings that I can't change a tittle of. [1187] A parrot, that's what they're up against, a parrot. [1188] If they had told what I have to say, to meet be approved, I couldn't but say it ^{help saying it}, sooner or later. [1190] Perish

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[1190] [p. 07r] God forbid, it'd be too easy, my heart wouldn't be in it, I have to puke my heart too, out too, spew it up whole with the bundle of claptrap, it's then that look at last I'll look as if I mean what I was saying, and over with the idle words.[1191] xxx Well, don't xxx give up hope, keep your mouth open and your stomach turned, perhaps you'll do it one day. [1192] But the other voice, his who does not share this passion for the animal kingdom, who is waiting for news of me, what is it's burden? [1193] Nice point, embarrassing for me. [1194] For on the subject of myself properly so called, I know what I hear ^mean, so far as I know I have been told nothing heard nothing so far. [1195] Ca May one speak of a voice, under these conditions? [1196] Probably not. [1197] And yet I do. [1198] The fact is ^that all this business about voices requires to be revised, corrected, rejected repudiated. [1199] Hearing nothing I am none the less a prey to communications. [1200] To xxx To call them voices, To xxx And I call speak of voices? After all, why not, as long as one knows it is not true. [1201] But there are limits, it appears. [1202] I xxx I await them, unperturbed. [1203] So nothing about me. [1204] That is to say no consecutive account. [1205] Feeble appeals, at long intervals. [1206] Hear me! [1207] Be yourself again! [1208] Someone has therefore something to say to me. [1209] But not the least information ^news concerning me, beyond the insinuation that I am not in a condition to re be given any, since I am not there, which I knew already. [1210] I have not xx I have naturally remarked, in a moment of exceptional receptivity, that these adjurations (exhortations) are conveyed to me by the same channel as that used by Mahood and Co., for their transports. [1211] That's suspicious, [1212] or rather would be suspicious if I still hoped to obtain, from these disclosures ^revelations to come, some truth of more value than those with which I have been plastered ever since they took it into their heads that I had better exist. [1213] But this fond hope, which I had had a moment ago, if as recently as a moment ago, if I remember right, has now passed from me. [1214] Two labours then, to be distinguished perhaps, as the mine from the quarry, on the plane of the effort xxx required, but identically deficient in charm and interest. [1215] I. [1216] Who's that? [1217] The galley-slave, sweeping towards the Pillars of Hercules, ^who dropped his oar under cover of night and crawls between the thwarts, praying for ^{unseen by the guard,} xxxing storm. towards the rising sun, unseen by the guard, praying for storm. [1218] Except that I've stopped praying for it. [1219] No, no, I am

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[1219] [p. 08r] still a suppliant. [1220] I'll get over that, between But I'll be cured of it, between now and the last voyage, on this leaden sea. [1221] It's like the other madness, the mad wish to know, remember, one's transgression. [1222] I won't be xxx caught at that again, [1223] I'll leave it to this year's damned. [1224] And now let us think no more about it, think no more about anything. xxx think no more. [1225] On the one hand they are many, on the other he is alone, he solicits me alone. [1226] They speak the same language ^tongue, the only one they have taught ^me. [1227] They told me there are others, [1228] I don't regret not knowing them. [1229] The moment that the silence is broken, in this way, it can only mean one thing. [1230] Orders, prayers, threats, praise, reproach, reasons. [1231] Praise, yes, I have been given to understand that I was making progress. [1232] Well done, my my boy, that will be all for today, go back to your dark and see you tomorrow. [1233] And There I am, with my white beard, sitting among the children, babbling, cringing from the ferule. ferule. [1234] I'll die in the xxx third form, bowed down with years and impositions, four feet foot tall again, like when I had xxx a future, barelegged in my old black pinafore, wetting my breeches ^drawers. [1235] Pupil Mahood, for the twenty-five thousandth time, what is a mammal? [1236] And I'll fall down dead, worn out by the rudiments. [1237] But I'll have made progress, they told me so, only not enough, not enough. [1238] Ah. [1239] Where was I, in my lessons? [1240] I forget.[1241] That is what has had a fatal effect on my development, my lack of memory. [1242] Undoubtedly. [1243] Pupil Mahood, repeat after me, Man is a higher mammal. [1244] I couldn't. [1245] Always talking about mammals, in this menagerie. [1246] Frankly, between ourselves, what the hell could it matter to ^pupil Mahood, that man was this rather than that. [1247] Presumably nothing has been lost in any case, it all helps to make the present dribble since here you have it slobbering out again, released by the nightmare. [1248] It's the xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx, xxx, [1249] I'm in for an orgy of mammals, I can see that from here, before I wake. [1250] Quick, a mother give me a mother and let me suck her white, pinching my tits ^supply. [1251] But it's time I gave this solitary a name, [1252] there's nothing doing without proper names. [1253] I shall therefore call him Worm. [1254] It was high time. [1255] Worm. [1256] I don't like, but I haven't much choice. [1257] It will be my name too, when the time comes, when I needn't call myself Malone Mahood any more, if ever that time comes. [1258] Before Mahood there were others like him, of the same race and creed, armed with the same trident. ^prong. [1259] But Worm is the

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[1259] [p. 09r] first of his kind. [1260] Or is he? [1261] I must not forget that I don't know him. [1262] Perhaps he too will weary of me, renounce the task of forming me and give way to another, having done what he could ^{laid the foundations}. [1263] He has not yet had yet been able to make himself heard. [1264] He murmurs, I have not ceased to hear him his murmur, while the others discoursed. [1265] He has survived them all, Mahood too, if Mahood is dead. [1266] I can hear him still, faithful, begging me to still this dead tongue of the living. [1267] I imagine that is what he says I imagine that is what he says, to judge by the unchanging tone. [1268] If I could be silent I would better understand what he wants of me, wants me to be, wants me to say. [1269] Why does Why doesn't he thunder it at me and get it over? [1270] Too, too easy, it is I who must be silent, hold my breath. [1271] But I have must have got it wrong. DOODLE 18 [1272] For if Mahood were silent, Worm would be silent too. [1273] That the impossible should be demanded of me, fair enough, what else could be demanded of me? [1274] But the absurd! [1275] Of me whom they have reduced to reason. [1276] It is true the unfortunate Worm has noth is not responsible for this. [1277] Though for all I know he may be. [1278] But let me complete my views, on this matter, before I shit upon them. [1279] For if I am Mahood, if I am Worm too. [1280] Plof. [1281] Or if I am not yet Worm, I shall be when I cease to be Mahood. [1282] Plof. [1283] On now to serious matters. [1284] No, not yet. [1285] Another tale of mother Mahood perhaps, to perfect my xxx stupefaction (besotment?). [1286] No, not worth it, it will come at its appointed hour, the record is in position, since time began. Yes, from time immemorial. [1287] Yes, the mighty words must xxx ^out too, all be taken as it comes. [1288] The problem of liberty too, as sure as fate, will come up for my consideration at the preestablished moment. [1289] But I have perhaps I have been too hasty in opposing these two fomenters of fiasco. [1290] Is it not the fault of one if that I cannot be the other? [1291] They are therefore accomplices. [1292] That's the way to reason, warmly. [1293] Or is one to suppose the existence of a tertius gaudens, myself in other words, responsible for this double failure? [1294] Shall I see my true countenance at last, bathing in a smile? [1295] I have the feeling that I shall be spared this spectacle. [1296] A xx At no moment do I know ^{of of} what I am talking of about, nor of ^of whom, nor ^of when, nor ^of where, nor how, nor why, but I could need 50 victims for this sinister operation and still be short of a fifty-first, to close the circuit, that I know, without knowing what it means.