MS-UoR-1227-7-12-1

[0004] birth into the ^this world ... this world ... of a small ^tiny baby boy or girl ^{in a small} ... what? ... girl? ... [⁁]^{vast place ...}...xxx pllace ... birth then into this ... [⁁]^vast place of ^{a tiny} a ^small baby girl in a small place ^hole in the lowlands ^{on the coast} by the name of named in the downs ^bog named ... what? .. the xxx xxx downs? no ... no! ... the downs ^bog! ... small hole in the downs ^bog named ... named ... no matter ... [0005] to parents unknown ... he having vanished into thin air months after into thin air no sooner done his devilish work and she similarly nine months later almost to the minute ... [0006] no love then such as usually ^normally lavished on the newborn ... in the home ... nor indeed for that matter any of any kind at any subsequent time ... usual affair then ... nothing particular to note ^{worthy of mention} ... [0007] till coming up to sixty this ... what? ... sixty-five? ... my God ... coming up to 65 ... walking in a field with her ^my youngest grandchild looking ^searching for cowslips to make a ball ... when suddenly all went out ... all that [⁁]^early April morning light ... and she ^I found her^myself in the dark ... [0008] without feeling as it were of any kind and if not exactly insentient ... insentient for she ^I could still hear the buzzing in her ^my ears ... so loosely [⁁]^so called ... and a ray of light came and went ... came and went ... beam of the moon ^{such as the moon sheds} drifting ... in & out of cloud ... but so reduced ... sensation ... sensation so reduced that she ^{no notion} did not know what position she was in ... whether standing ... or sitting ... but the mind ... what? ... lying? lying? ... ? ... whether standing ... or sitting ... or lying ... [0009] but the mind

^KLE
12.32

^{[0001] Stage in darkness but for MOUTH, backupstage audience R, convenient level, faintly lit from close up & below, as little as possible of rest of face, invisible microphones. [0002] AUDITOR, frontdownstage audience L, tall upright figure enveloped from head to foot in black djellaba, shown by attitude to be facing diagonally across stage towards MOUTH, fully faintly lit, dead still throughout except for single brief movement where indicated Ligh Stage light on when curtain up & unchanged throughout.}

^{[0003] As house lights down voice unintelligible behind curtain. House lights out. Voice continues unintelligible behind curtain, 10 seconds. As curtain rises ... birth ... into this world ... birth ... into this world ... ad lib leading when curtain fully up into}

[0004] .. birth ... into this world ... vast place ^{this world} as a tiny baby ^{little thing} ... 5 pounds ... in a small ^{remote godfor - ...} ... what? ...girl? ... tiny baby ^little girl ... into this ... vast place ... in a small ^{remote godforsaken} hole ... in the bog ... named ...what? what? ... no ^{the downs? ... no} ... no! ... the bog! ... small ^{remote godforsaken} hole in the bog ... named ... named ...no matter ^forgotten ... [0005] to parents unknown ... he having vanished into ... thin air ... no sooner the than in the locker done his ... devilish work ... and she similarly ... 9 months later ... almost to the minute ... [0006] so no love ... such x ^as normally showered on the newborn in ... speechless infant ... in the home ... nor indeed for that matter ... any of any kind ... at any subsequent ... time ... so usual affair ... nothing worthy of note [0007] till till coming up to sixty this ^when ... what? ... sixty-five? ...

[0007] coming up to 65 ... walking in a field ... searching for cowslips ... to make a ball ... when suddenly all went out ... all that early morning ^{April morning} light ... and she was she in found herself in the ... what? ... I? ... no ... no! ... she ... found herself in the dark ... [0008] and if not exactly ... insentient ... insentient ... for she still heard ... the ^old buzzing in her so called! ... in her er ears ... and a ray of light ... came & went ... came & went ... such as the moon might shed ... drifting ... in & out of clouds ... but so lessened ... sensation ... sensation so lessened ... she did not know ... what position she was in ... whether standing ... or sitting ... but the brain ... what? ... lying? ... yes ... whether standing ... or sitting ... or lying ... [0009] but the brain still ... in a way ... for when her first thought was ... after some time it is true ... her first thought ... brought up as she had been to believe ... in a mer ... (beginning of laugh) ... in a merciful ... (laugh) ... God (unrestrained laugh) ... [0010] first thought was ... she was being punished ... for her sins ... x a number of which then ... further proof if proof were needed ... flashed through her mind ... [0011] then dismissed [⁁]^{as foolish[⁁]} ... this thought dismissed ... as she gradually realised ... she was not suffering ... indeed could not remember ... when she had suffered less ... unless of course ... she was meant to be suffering ... thought to be suffering ... just as so often ... in the past ... when clearly meant to be having pleasure ... she was in fact ... having none whatsoever ... in which case of course ... that notion of punishment ... for some sin or other ... or for no special reason ^purpose ... for its own sake ... thing she understood perfectly ... was not so foolish after all ... so that she began to xx that notion of punishment ... which had first occurred to her ... then been dismissed ... as foolish ... was not so foolish ... after all ... she having been brought up ^{as she was} to believe ... (laugh begins) in a merciful ... (laugh) ... God ... (unrestrained laugh) ... first occurred to her ... then been dismissed ... as foolish ... was perhaps not so foolish ... after all ... xx heard her soon after t ^{so on ... all that ...} [0012] ^{till another thought ... some time later it is true ... very childish really but -} ... what? ... the buzzing? ... yes ... all the time the old buzzing ... so-called ... in the ears ... though actually ... not in the ears at all ... but in the heart ... the very heart of the skull ... and the ray

[0012] all the time this beam or ray ... as before ... like from a moon ... but no doubt ^perhaps not ... no doubt ^{perhaps all} part of the wish to ... torment ... but not in the least ... not a twinge ... for the moment ... ha! ... for the moment ... then this other thought ... very childish really but so like her ... that she might do well to ... groan now and then ... (writhe she could not) ... as though in actual ... pain ... excruciating ... agony ... [0013] but could not bring herself ... to ^{as much as} try ... some ^flaw thing in her makeup ^make-up ... incapable of deceit ... [0014] dead silence of course ... all this time ... but for the buzzing ... so-called! ...

DOODLE 2

[0015] no part of her moving ... but the eyelids ... presumably ... that she could feel ... only the eyelids ... presumably ... now & then ... to keep out ^{rest from} the light ... little ^faint though it was ... reflex they call it ... no feeling at all ... of any kind ... but the lids ... even in real life ... who feels them? ... opening ... closing ^shutting ... all that moisture ... [0016] but the brain still sufficiently ... oh very much so ... on the alert ... xxx xxx xxx xxx to question the matter ... for that April morning ... so it reasoned ... that April morning ... she fixing with her eye ... a distant cowslip ... x as she hastened towards it ... fixing it with her eye ... lest it disappear ^{vanish elude her} ... had not all gone out ... all that light ... of itself ... without any ... any ... on her part ... and so on ... so on it reasoned ... deeper & deeper even deeper down ... vain questionings ... and all dead still ... ... dead silent thought ^{thought silent as the grave} ... impossible to describe ... when suddenly ... gradually ... she real- ... what? ... the buzzing? ... yes ... all dead still but for the buzzing ... so-called! ... right in the heart ... the very heart ... of the skull ... [0017] when suddenly she realized ... words were coming .... ... WORDS WERE COMING! ... what? ... I? ... I realized? ... no... NO! ... she ... suddenly she realized ... words were coming ... WORDS WERE COMING! - a voice she did not recognize ... at first ... it was ... suddenly she realized ... words were coming so long ... since she had uttered [0018] ... but had finally to admit ... to herself ... could be no other ... than her own ... certain vowel sounds ... she had never heard ... elsewhere ... so that people would look at her ... uncomprehending the ... an unbroken flow ... she who had never been a talker ... a talker ... on the contrary ... practically speechless ... all her days ... how she survived [0019] ... even shopping ... ^{busy shopping centre ...} just handed in the list ... with the shopping bag ... then stood there waiting ... any length of time ... motionless ... staring at nothing ^{into space} ... till it was back in her hand ... the bag ... then paid & went ... not as much as goodbye ... how she survived ... and

[0019] now this flow ... and not hearing the half of it ... what with the buzzing ... her own thoughts ... not the quarter ... no idea ... what she was saying! ... [0020] till she began trying to persuade herself - self-defence! ... it was not her's at all ... not her voice at all ... in spite of the ... peculiarities ... of pronunciation ... and idiosyncrasies ... and would doubtless have succeeded ... vital she should ... xxx was on the point ... after long efforts ... [0021] when gradually she felt ... suddenly she felt ... her lips moving ... her lips moving! ... as of course till then she had not ... any more than the rest ... and not alone the lips ... but the cheeks ... the jaws ....the tongue in the mou whole face ... the tongue in the mouth ... all that agitation without which ... no speech w possible ... and yet ... in the ordinary way ... in the heat of everyday utterance ... is not felt at all ... so intent one is ... on what one is saying ... the whole being so to speak ... hanging on its words ... so that she not only ^she had [⁁]^{... had she ...} xx to give up ... admit she alone was responsible ^{and no other and she alone} [0022] ... but this other awful thought ... even more awful perhaps ... that feeling was coming back ... feeling was coming back! ... beginning at the top ... then working down ... ^{the whole frame ...} but no ... only the face [⁁]^alone ... ^{face & mouth} for the moment ... ah ... for the moment ... [0023] then thinking ... some time later it is true ... it can't go on ... much longer ... mouth on fire ... whole face aching ... trying ^straining to hear ... make something of it ... and the other thoughts ... trying to get on with them ... all that together ... it can't - what? the buzzing? ... yes ... on top of all the buzzing ... so-called! ... [0027] can't go on ... merciful God ^{God is love} ... xxx xxx ^she'll be cleansed ^purged ... [0028] back in the field ... ^{in the sun ...} xxx April ... lie down ^sink face down in the grass ... nothing but the larks ... [0028] so on ... last straw ... trying for comfort ... trying to think ... trying to hear ... make some sense of it the odd word ... make some sense of it ... whole body like gone ... only the face ... face and mouth ... gone mad ... no stopping it ... something she ... [0028] what? ... no ... no! ... something she had to ... what? ...yes ... the buzzing ... buzzing! ... ^{the buzzing? ... yes ...} hearing all the time the buzzing ... buzzing! ... roaring ... in the skull ... and the ray ... on and off ... no pain in that ... no sense in that ... so far ... ah ... so far ... [0029] then thinking ... another thought ...

[0012] ... not

[0012] ... certainly not ... always ^the same spot ... now bright ... now veiled ^shrouded ... but always the same spot ... as no moon could ... no ... no moon ...

[0013]
or the machine more likely ... so disconnected ... never got the message ... or could not respond ... like numbed ... paralysed ... could not make the sound ... not a sound ... no calling for help ... no sound at all ... all dead still silent as the grave ... for example ... should she feel inclined ... xxx at ... no ... all silent as the grave ... call ... then listen ... ^{(silence pause)} call again ... listen again (silence ^pause) ... no ... all silent as the grave ...

[0024]
and can't stop ... no stopping it! ... just as a moment before ... a moment! ... she couldn't make a sound ... no sound of any kind ... now can't stop .. imagine ... can't stop the flow! ... [0025] the whole brain begging ... ^begging the mouth to shut ... [⁁]^{.. pause a moment .. if only for a moment ...[⁁]} and no response ... as though it hadn't heard ... or couldn't ... couldn't pause an instant ... like maddened ...

[0026]
... a few steps then stop [⁁]^dead ... stare into space ... move on a few more ... stop and stare again ... then the time she cried ... the one time she could remember ... must have cried as a baby ... perhaps not ... not indispensable ^{essential to life} ... just the birth cry and then no to get her breathing ... then no more till this ...

[0033]
^{.. and all} getting faster ^quicker ... all slowly faster ^quicker ... the words ... the brain ... flickering away like mad ... quick xxx ^{xx grab} and on ... xxx nothing there ... on somewhere else ... try something else somewhere else ... [0034] and all the time something begging ... something in her begging ... some part of the brain ... begging it all to stop ... unanswered ... prayer unanswered ... or unheard ... too faint ... so on ...