MS-UoR-1227-7-12-3

[0004] ...birth...into this world...this world...of a tiny little thing...five pounds ^{premature before her its time}...in a godfor - ...what? girl?...yes ^{all right}...tiny little girl...^birth into this...in a godforsaken hole...in the bog...named - ...what?...^what?... the downs? godfo the downs?...godforsaken hole in the downs?...no...no!...the bog...godforsaken hole in the bog...named...named...forgotten ^{gone...no matter...}...[0005]to parents unknown...[⁁]^{unheard of...} he having vanished into...thin air...no sooner done...his devilish work ^{pulled buttoned [✓] up his trousers}...and she similarly...nine ^eight months later almost t t to the minute...[0006]so no love...such as normally showered on the...speechless infant...in the home...no...nor indeed for that matter any of any kind...at any subsequent...stage...so usual affair...nothing worthh^y of note [0007]till...coming up to sixty when...what?...sixty-five?...coming up to sixty-five...walking in a field...searching aimlessly for cowslips...to make a ball^{...stop & stare into space}...when suddenly^{...gradually...}all went out...all that early April morning light...and she found herself uⁱn the - ...what?...I? ^who?...what?...no...no ^NO!...she...found herself in the dark...[0008]and if not exactly...insentient...insentient...for she still could hear the buzzing...so-called!...in the ears...and a ray of light...such as the moon might cast...drifting...in and out of cloud light...came and went...came and went...such as the moon might cast...drifting...in and out of cloud...but lessened ^dulled...sensation ^feeling...sensation ^feeling so lessened ^dulled...she did not know...what position she was in!...^{imagine...what position she was in!...}whether standing...or sitting...but the brain - ...what?...lying?^...yes...whether standing...or sitting...or lying...[0009]but the brain still...in a sense ^way...for her first thought was...after some little time to be sure ^{long after}...her first thought...^{sudden flash...}brought up as she had been to believe (laugh)^{...with the other waifs (laugh)}...in a merciful (laugh) merciful (laugh)...God (laugh)...[0010]first thought was...^{flash in the dark...}she was being punished...for her sins...a number ^some of which then...further proof if proof were needed...flashed through her mind...[0011]then dismissed as foolish...this thought dismissed...as she gradually realized...she was not suffering!...^{imagine...not suffering!..}indeed could not remember...when she had suffered less...unless of course she was...meant to be suffering...thought to be suffereing...just as so often in her life...when clearly intended ^meant to be t^having pleasure...she was in fact...having ^none...not the slightest...in which case of course...that notion of punishment...for some sin or other...or for no particular reason...for its own sake...thing she understood perfectly...that notion of punishment..

[0011] which had first occurred to her...[⁁]^{sudden flash...}brought up as she had been to believe (laugh)^{...with the other waifs (laugh)}...in a merciful (laugh) (laugh)...God ^(laugh)...first occurred to her...then dismissed...as fooloⁱsh...was perhaps no^t so foolish...after all...so on...all that...[0012]till another thought some little time later it is true ^{long after}...very childish really but - ...what?...ty^he buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...so-called!...in the ears...though of course actually...not in the ears at all...in the skull...the heart of the skull...and all the time...this beam or ray...like from a moon...but no doubt not...just all part of the wish to...torment...B^but not in the least...not a twinge...for the moment...ha!...for the moment...then this other thought...very childish really but so like her...that she might do well to groan...on and off...(writhe she could not)...as though in actual...agony...[0013]but could nt^ot bring herself...to do as much as try...some flaw in her make-up...incapable of deceit...[0014]dead silence of course...but for the buzzing...so-called!...[0015]no part of her moving...that she could feel...only the eyelids...presumably...from time to time...to rest her from the light...faint as it was...reflex they call it...no feeling of any kind...but the lids...even at the best of times...who feels them?...opening...shutting...all that moisture...[0016]but the brain still sufficiently...oh very much so!...^{at this stage...}on the alert ^{in control}...^{under control...}to question the matter..for on that April morning...so it reasoned...that April morning...she fixing with her eye...a distant cowslip...as she hastened towards it...fixing it with her eye...lest it elude her...had not all gone out...all that light...of itself...without any...any...on her part...and so on...so on it reasoned...deeper and deeper down...vain questionings...and all dead still...thought silent as the grave...impossible to describe...when suddenly...gradually...she real - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes all ded^ad still but for the buzzing...so-called!...[0017]when suddenly she realized...wors^ds were - what?...I? ^who?...what?...no...no ^NO!...she...realized words were coming...WORDS WERE COMING!...a voice she did not recognize...at first...it was so long...since she had uttered...[0018]but had finally to admit...to herself...s^could be no other...than her own...certain vowel sounds...she had never heard...elsewhere...so that people would look [0018]at her^{...on the rare occasions}...uncomprehending...an unbroken flow ^stream ...she who had never been...a talker...on the contrary...practⁱcally speechless..all her days...how she survived[0019]...even shopping...busy shopping centre^...supermart...just handed in the list...with the shopping bag...then stood there waiting...any length of time...motionless...staring into space...till it was back in her hand...the bag...theⁿ paid and went...

[0019] not as much as goodbye...how she survived..: and now this flood ^stream...and not hearing the half of it...what wih^th the buzzing...her own thoughts...not the quarter...no idea...what she was saying! ^{imagine...no idea what she was saying!}...[0020]till she began trying to...pz^ersuade herslef...it was not hers at all...not her voice at all...and would doubtless have succeeded...was on the point...after long efforts...[0021]when gradually she felt...suddenly she felt...her lips moving...^imagine...her lips moving!...as of course tillt then she had not...any more than the rest...and not alone the lips...the cheeks...the jaws...the whole face...the tongue in the mouth...all that flurry without whih^ch...not utterance ^speech possible...and yet...in the ordinary way...not felt at all...so intent one is...on what one is saying...the whole being so to speak?...[0021]hanging on its words...so that not only she had...had she...to give up...admit she and she alone[0022]...but this other dready^ful thought...even more dreadful if possible...that feeling was coming back...feeling was coming back!...beginning at the top...then working down...the whole frame...but no...the face alone...for the moment...ha!...for the mo moment...[0023]then thinking...long after^{...sudden flash}...it can't go on...much moremout more...mouth on fire...whole face aching ^{all that...flood stream of words...}...straining to hear...make something of it...and her own thoughts...trying to get on with ^{make something of} them...all that together...it can't - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes...on top i^of all the buzzing...so-called! ^[?A] [0027] [⁁]^{all that}...can't go on...g^God is love...she'll be purged...[0028]back in the field...in the sun...April...sink face down in the grass...nothing but the larks...so on...snatching at comfort ^{the crumb}...trying to think...trying to hear...the odd word...make some sense of it...whole body like gone...only the face...face and mouth...gone mad...no stopping it...something she- she - ...what?...no...no§ no...no!...she...something she had to -...what?...[0028]theb the buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...buzzing!...roaring ^{dull roar}...in her skull...and the ray...on and off...^{ferreting around...}no pain in that ^there...no sense in that ^there...so far...ha!...so far...[0029]then thinking...another thought...long after...^{a second and lost gone} perhaps something...she had to say...could that be it?...tiny little thing...hole in the bog...never any love...spared that...speechless all her days...stand waiting for the bag...pay and go without a word...how she survived ^[C] ...[0029]now this...something she had to say...could that be it?...something that would say...how it was...could - ...what?...had been?...yes...something that would say...how it had been...how she had survived...lived on and on...^{guilty or not guilty} to be sixty...something she -...what?...sixty-five?...lived on and on...to be sixty-five...something she didn't know

[0029] herself...wouldn't know if she heard...theⁿ forgiven...merciful God^{...tender mercies...new every morning} ...[0030]back in the field...could that be it?...bound to it in the end...out with it in the end...say everything go on long enought...then back in the field...face buried in the grass...nothing but the larks...pick it up there...get on with it from there...another few - ...what?...not that?...nothing to do with that?...[⁁]^{nothing she could say?...}all right...something else...think of something else...long after...not that either..[0030]all right...something else again...so on...hit on it in the sned ^end...think everytg^hing go on long enough...[0031]then back in the - ...what?...not that?...nothing to do with that?...nothing she could think...nothing she - ...what?...I ^who?...what?...no... no!...she...tiny little thing^{...before her time}...parents unknown...hole in the bog...no love...spared that...speechless all her days...[⁁]^[B] [0034]keep on trying...trying to...trying to what? ^{not knowing what hoping what...not knowing what.. ..what she was trying}...whole body like gone...only the face...keep on - ...whq^at?...the buzzing?.. [0034]yes...all the time the buzzing...so-called^!...the beam...on and off...^{poking around...}painless...so far...ha!...keep on trying...[0035](curat^tain starts slowly down)...what?...trying what? ^{not knowing what}...no matter...keep on...hit on it in the end...then back...back in the field...face in the grass...nothing but the larks...pick it up -