MS-UoR-1227-7-12-4

[0004] ...birth...into this world...this world...tiny little thing^{...before its time}...in a godfor - ...wha^t?...girl?...yes...tiny little girl...birth into this...godforsaken hole...in the bog...named - ...what?...what?...no...no!...the bog...godforsaken hole in the bog...named^...named...gone...no matter...[0005]parents unknown...unheard of...he having vanished...thin air...no sooner buttoned up his ^breeches...she similarly...eight months later...almost to the ^tick...[0006]so no love...such as normally showered on the...speechless infant...in the home...no...nor indeed for that matter...any of any kind...at any subsequent...stage...so usual affair...nothing of note [0007] till...coming up to sixty when - ...what?... ^seventy?... ^{my God!}...coming up to ^seventy...wandering in a field...looking aimlessly for cowslips...to make a ball... ^{a few steps then stop...}stare into space^{...so on...wandering round}...when suddenly...gradually...all went out...all that early April morning light...and she found herself in the - ...what?...who?...what?...no...no!...she ... ^{pause & M.1} [⁁]^she found herself in the dark...[0008]and if not exactly...insentient...insentient...no...for she could still hear the buzzing...so-called!...in the ears...and a ray of light...came and went...came and went...such as the moon might cast...drifting...in and out of cloud...but dulled...feeling...feeling so dulled...she did not know...what ^position she was in...imagine!...what position she was in!...whether standing...or sitting...but the brain - ...what?...lying?...yes...wh^ether standing...or sitting...or lying...[0009]but the brain still^...still...in a way...for her first thought was...oh long after...brought up as she had been to believe...with the other waifs...in a merciful^...(laugh)...God^...( ^good laugh)^... [0010]first thought was...flash in the dark...she was being punished...for her sins...a number of which then...further proof if proof were needed...flashed through her mind...[0011]then dismissed as foolish...this thought dismissed...as she ^{suddenly realized...}gradually realⁱzed...she was not suffering.. imagine^!...not suffering!...indeed could not remember...when she had suffered less...unless of course she was...

[0011] meant to be suffering...thought to be ...just as ^{the odd time}...in her life...when clearly meant to be having pleasure...she was in fact...having noⁿe...not the slightest...in which case of course...that notion of punishment...for some sin or other...or for the lot...or no particular [0011] reason...for its own ^sake...thing she understood perfectly...that notion of punishment...which had first occurred to her...sudden flash...brought up as she had been to believe...with the other waifs...in a merciful^...(laugh)...God^...(^good laugh)...first occurred to her...then dismissed...as foolish...was perhaps not so foolish...after all...so on...all that...[0012]till another thought...sudden flash...oh long a^fter...very ^foolish really but - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...so-called!...in the ears...though of course actually...not in the ears at all...in the skull ...dull roar in the skull...and all the time...this ray or beam...like from a moon...but no doubt not ^[D] ...just all part of the ^same wish to...torment...though ^actually not in the least...not a twinge...so far...ha!...so far...this other thought then...very foolish really but so like her...that she might do well to groan...on and off...(writhe she could not)...as though in actual...agony...[0013]but could not...could not bring herself...some flaw in her make-up...incapable of deceit...^[E] [0014]...all this time but fo^r the buzzing...so-called!...[0015]no part of her moving...that she could feel...only the eyelids...presumably...on and off... shut out the light...faint though it was...reflex they call it...no feeling of any kind...but the lids...even at the best of times...who feels them?...opening...shutting...all that moisture...[0016]but the brain still sufficiently...oh very ^much so^!...at this stage...in control...under control...to question the matter...for on that April morning.. so it reasoned...that April morning...she fixing with her eye...a distant ^{bell (in a cowslip bell I lie)} ...as she hastened towards it...fixing it with her eye...lest it elude her...had not all gone out...all that light...of itself...without any...any...on her part...and so on...so on it reasoned...vain questionings...and all dead still...sweet silent as the grave... when suddenly...gradually...she realiz - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes...all dead still but for the buzzing...so-called!...[0017]when suddenly she realized...^words were - ...what?...who?...what?...no...no!...she...^{movement 2} realized words were coming...words were coming!...a voice she did not recognize...at first...it was so long...since ^{it had sounded}[0018]...but had finally to admit...to herself...could be no other...than her own...certain vowel sounds...she had never heard...elsewhere...so that people would ^stare at her...on the rare occasions...once or twice a year... ^{always winter some strange reason...stare at her} uncomprehending...and now...this ^steady stream...she who had never...on the contrary...practically speechless ...all her days...how she survived[0019]...even shopping...busy shopping centre...supermart...just ^handed in the list...with the shopping bag...then stood there waiting...any length of time...middle of the throng...motionless...staring into space...till it was back in her hand...the bag...then paid and went...not as much as goodbye...how

[0019] she survived...and now this stream...not catching the half of it...what with the buzzing...her own thoughts...not the quarter...no idea...what she was saying...imagine!...no idea what she was saying!...[0020]till she began trying to...persuade herself...it was not hers at all...not her voice at all...and would no doubt have succeeded...vital she should...was on the point...after long efforts...[0021]when gradually she felt...suddenly she felt...her lips moving...imagine!...her lips moving...as of course till then she had not...and not alone the lips...the cheeks...the jaws...the whole face...the tongue in the mouth...all that agitation without which...no speech possible...and yet...in the ordinary way...not felt at all...so intent one is...on what one is saying...the whole being ...hanging on its words...so that ^not only she had...had she...to give up...admit hers alone...her voice alone[0022]...but this other awful thought...oh long after...even more awful if possible...that feeling was coming back...feeling was coming back!...beginning at the top...then working down...the whole frame...but no...the face alone...so far...ha!...so far...[0023]then thinking...oh long after...sudden flash...it can't go on...all this...all that...^steady stream ...straining to hear...make something of it...and her own thoughts...make something of them...all - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes...on top of all the buzzing...so-called!... ^[A] all that together...imagine!...body like gone...[0024]only a face...lips...cheeks...jaws...never still a second...mouth on fire...stream of words...in her ear...practically in her ear...not catching the half...not the quarter...no idea what she's saying...imagine!...no idea what she's saying! ^[F] [0025]...all that together...trying to hear...piece it together...and the brain...raving away on its own...trying to make sense of it^{...make it stop}...[0026]or in the past...bringing up the past...flashes from all over...odds and ends of walks...walking all her days ^[G] ...old woman already...sitting staring at her hand...in her lap...palm upward...suddenly saw it wet...^{the palm} tears presumably...hers presumably...no one else for miles...^{no cry...just the tears...}sat and watched them dry...all over in a second...[0027]or snatching at straws...the brain...flickering away on its own...one ^grab and on...on to the next...bad as the voice...worse...as little sense...all that together...can't - ...what?...the buzzing?...ye^s... ^{all the time} the buzzing...dull roar like falls...and the ray...flickering on and off...starting to move around...like moonbeam but ^clearly not...all part of the same...keep an eye on that too...corn^er of the eye can't go on...God is love...she'll be purged...[0028]back in the field...in the sun...April...sink face down in the grass...nothing but the larks...so on...snatching at the straw...trying to hear...the odd word...make some sense of it...whole body like gone...only the mouth...gone mad...no stopping it...something she - ...what?...who?...what?...no...no!...she...^{(pause & movement 3)} something she had to - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...dull roar...in the skull...and the ray...ferreting around..

[0028]

no pain there...no sense there...so far...ha!...so far...[0029]then thinking...another thought...oh long after...sudden flash...perhaps something she had to...had to...tell...could that be it?...tiny little thing...before its time...hole in the bog...never any love...spared that..speechless all her days...^[C] practically speechless...how she survi^ved...that time in court...what had she to say for herself...guilty or not guilty...speak up woman...stood there staring at nothing...mouth half open as usual...waiting to be led away...glad of the hand on her arm... now this...something she had to^...tell...could that be it?...something that would say^{...how it was...could - ...what?...had been?...yes...something that would say...how it had been...}......how she ^had survived ^{how she had survived}...lived on and on...guilty or not ...to be sixty...something she - ...what?... ^seventy?... ^{my God!}...lived on and on...to be ^seventy...something she didn't know herself...wouldn't know if she heard...then forgiven...mercif^ul God...tender mercies...new every morning...[0030]back in the field...could that be it?...bound to in the end...out with it in the end...say everything go on long enough...then back in the field^{...April morning}...face buried in the grass...nothing but the larks...pick it up there...get on with it from there...another few - ...what?...not that?...nothing to do [0030]with that?...nothing she could ^tell?...all right...something else...think of something else...oh long after...sudden flash...not that either...all right...something else again...so on^...hit on it in the end...think everything go on long enough...[0031]then [0031] back in the - ...what?...not that?...nothing to do with that?... nothing she could think?...all right...nothing she could ^tell...nothing she - ...what?...who?...what?...no...no!...she...^{movement 4} tiny little thing...before its time...hole in the bog...parents unknown...no lo^ve...spared that...^[B] speechless all her days...practically speechless...even to herself...never ^aloud......[0032]^but not completely...not completely speechless...sometimes sudden urge...once or twice a ye^ar...alway^s winter for some reason...the long evenings...sudden urge to...tell...then rush out and stop the first she saw...[0033]nearest lavatory...start pouring it out...steady stream.. wild stuff...half the vowels wrong...pine for pain...that kind...no one could follow...till she saw the ^stare she was getting...then die of shame...once or twice a year...always ^[Stet] winter some [⁁]^strange reason...no^w this... ^[H] [0034]keep on trying...not knowing what...what she was trying.. whole body like gone...only the face...keep on - ...what?...the buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...steady roar...in the sku^ll...and the beam...on and of ...poking around...painless...so far...ha!...so far...keep on trying......not knowing what...what she is trying...no- ^{what?...who?...what?...no...no!...she...(pause) what she is saying...no matter...} [0035]^{(curtain starts slowly down)..}...hit on it in

[0035] the end...then back...God is love...back in the field...face in the grass...April morning. ..nothing but the larks...pick it up -