MS-UoR-1227-7-12-5

[0004] ..birth..into this world..this world..tiny little thing..x before its time..in a godfor - ..what?.. tixlxxxgirl?..yes..tiny little girl..into this..before her time..godfor.. ^{[place = overwritten] sa}ken hole..in the bog..named - ..what?..what?..no..no!..the bog..godforsaken hole in the bog..named ^{[place = margin left] [₰] called}..named ^{[place = margin left] called}..gone.. ^{[place = margin left] [₰] called} no matter..[0005]parents unknown..unheard of..he having vanished..thin air..no sooner buttoned up his breeches... ^{[place = overwritten] s}he similarly..eight months later..almost to the tick..[0006]so no love..spared that..no love such as normally showered ^{[place = supralinear] visited} on the..speechless infant..in the home..no..nor indeed for that matter.. ^{[place = margin left] [₰]} any of any kind ^{[place = margin left] ..no love of any kind..}..at any subsequent..stage..so typical affair..nothing of note [0007] till.. ^{[place = margin left] [₰] [place = margin left]} coming up to sixty when..what?..seventy..my ^{[place = margin left] good} God!..coming up to seventy [⁁] ^{[place = supralinear] when}..wandering in a field..looking aimlessly for cowslips..to make a ball..a few steps then stop..stare into space..then on..a few more.. ^{[place = margin left] stop & stare again} so on..wandering ^{[place = margin left] drifting} around..s ^{[place = overwritten] w}hen suddenly..gradually... ^{[place = overwritten] a}ll went out..all that early April morning light..and she found herself in the - what?..who?..what?..no..no!..she!..(pause and movement 1)..found herself in the dark..[0008]and if not exactly..insentient..insentient..for she could still hear the buzzing..so-called!..in the ears..and a ray of light..came and went..came and went..such as the moon might cast..drifti; ^{[place = overwritten] n}g..in and out of cloud..but dulled..feeling..feeling so dulled..she did not know..what position she was in..imagine!..what position she was in!..whether standing..or sitting..but the brain - ..what?..kneeling?..yes..whether standing..or sitting..or kneeling..but the brain - ..what?..lying?..yes..whather standing..or sitting..or kneeling..or lying..[0009]but the brain still..still..in a way..for her first thogu ^{[place = overwritten] ug}ht was..oh long after!..sude ^{[place = overwritten] d}en flash..brought up as she had bed ^{[place = overwritten] e}n to believe..with the other waifs..in a merciful..(brief laugh)..God..(good laugh)..[0010]first thought ^{[place = inline] w}as..oh long after!..flash in the dark... ^{[place = overwritten] s}he was being punished..for her sins..

[0010] a number of whh ^{[place = overwritten] i}ch then ^{[place = margin left] immediately} [⁁] ^{[place = supralinear] then...oh long after}..further proof if proof were needed..flashed through her mind..one after another..[0011]then dismissed.. dismissed as foolish..oh long after!..this thought dismissed..as she suddenly realized..gradually realized..she was not suffering..imagines§ ^{[place = overwritten] !}..not suffering!..indeed could not remember..off-hand..when she had suffered less..unless of course she was..meant to be suffering ^{[place = margin left] ..ha!}..thought to be..just as the odd time..in her life..when clearly intended to be having pleasure..she was in fact..having none..not the slightest..in which case of course..that notion of punishment..for some sin or other..or for the lot..or no particular reason..for its own sake..thing she understt ^{[place = overwritten] o}od perfectly..that notion of punishment..which had first occurred to her..sudden flash..brought up as she had been to believe..with the other waifs..in a mercig ^{[place = overwritten] f}ul..(brief laugh)..God..(good laugh)..first occurred to her..then dismissed..as foolish..was perhaps not so foolish..after all..so on..al ^{[place = inline] l} that..vain reasonings..[0012]till another thought..sudden flash..oh long after!..very foolish really but - ..what?..the buzzing?..yes..all the time the buzzing..so-called!..in the ears..though of course actually..not in the ears at all..in the skull..dull roar in the skull..and all this the time this ray.. ^{[place = margin left] [₰]} or beam..like moonbeam..but probably not..certainly not..always the same spot..now bright..now shrouded..but always the same spot..az ^{[place = overwritten] s} no moon could..no..no moon..just all part of the same wish to..torment..though actually in point of fact..not in the least..not a twinge..so far..ha!..so far..this other thought then..very foolish really but so like her..in a way..that she might do well to groan..on and off..writhe she could not..as if in actual..agony..[0013]but could not..could not bring herself..some flaw in her make-up..incapable of deceit..or the machine..more likely the machine..so disconnected..never got the meassage..or powerless to e ^{[place = overwritten] r}espond..like numbed..couldn't make the sound..not any sound ^{[place = margin left] ..no sound of any kind}..no ca screaming for help for example..should she feel ^{[place = margin left] so} inclined..scream ^{[place = margin left] ..(screams)}..then listen..(pause ^{[place = supralinear] silence})..scream again ^{[place = margin left] ..(screams again)}..listen again..(pause ^{[place = supralinear] silence})..no..spared that..[0014]all silent as the grave..no part - ..what?..the buzzing?..yes..all silent but for the buzzing..so-called!..[0015]no part of her moo ^{[place = overwritten] v}ing..that she could fel ^{[place = overwritten] e}l..only the eyelids..presumabm ^{[place = overwritten] l}y..on and off..shut out the light..reflex they call it..no feeling of any kind..but the lids..even at the best of times..who feels them?..opening..shutting..all that moisture..[0016]but the brain still..the barin still sufficiently..oh very much so!..at this stage..in control..under control..to question even this..for on that April morning..so it reasoned..that April morning..she fixing with her eye..a distant bell..as she hastened towards it..fixing it with her eye..lest it elude her..had not all gone out..all that light..of itself..without any..any..on her part..so on..so on it reasoned..vain questionings..and all dead still..sweet silent as the grave..when suddenly..gradually..she realiz - ..what?..the buzzing?..yes..all dead still but for the buzzing..so-called!..[0017]when suddenly she realized..words were - ..what?..who?..what?..no..no!..she!..(pause and movement 2)..realizd ^{[place = margin left] ...}words were coming..words were coming!..a voice she did not recognize..at first..so long since it had sounded[0018]..then finally had to admit..to herself..could be

[0018] none other..than her own..certain vowel sounds..she had never heard elsewhere never heard..elsewhere..so that people would stare at her..the rare occasions..once or twice a year..always winter some strange reason..stare s ^{[place = overwritten] a}t her uncomprehending..and now..thu ^{[place = overwritten] i}s ^{[place = margin left] stream...}steady stream..she who had never..on the contrary..practically speechless..all her days..how she survived![0019]..even shopping..busy shopping centre..supermart..just handed in the list..with the ^{[place = margin left] bag...old black [place = margin left] shopping} shopping bag..then stood there waiting..any length of time..middle of the throng..motionless..staring into space ^{[place = margin left] ..mouth half open as usual}..till it was back in her hand..the bag back in her hand..then paid and went..not as much as goodbye..how she survived!..and now this stream..not catching the half of it..not the quarter..no idea..what she was saying..imagine!..no idea what she was saying!..[0020]till she began trying to..delude herslef..it was not e ^{[place = overwritten] h}ers at all..not her voice at all..and would no doubt have succeeded..vital she should..was on the point..after long efforts..[0021]when gradually she felt..suddenly she felt..her lips moving..imagine!..her lips mob ^{[place = overwritten] v}ing!..as of course till then she had not..and not alone the lips..the cheeks..the jaws..the whole face.. ^{[place = margin left] all those..what?...the tongue?...yes...}the tongue in the mouth..all those contortions without which..no speech possible..and yet..in the ordinary way..not felt at all..so intent one is..on what one is saying..the whole being..hanging on its words..so that not only she had..had she..to give up..admit hers alone..her voice alone[0022]..but this other awful thougr ^{[place = overwritten] h}t..sudden flash..oh long after!..even more awful if possible... ^{[place = overwritten] t}hat feeling was coming back..feeling was cp ^{[place = overwritten] o}ming back!..starting at the top..then working down..the whole machine..but no.. ^{[place = margin left] spared that..}the face alone..so far..ha!..so far..[0023]then thinking..oh long after..sudden after!..sudden flash..it can't go on..all this..all that..steady stream..straining to hear..make something of it..and her own thoughts..make something of them..all - ..what?..the buzzing..yes..q ^{[place = overwritten] a}ll the time the buzzing..so-called!..all that together..imagine!..body like gone..[0024]only a ^{[place = margin left] just the} face..lips..cheeks..jaws..never - ..what?..tongue?..yes..lips..cheeks..jaws..tongue..never still a second..mouth on fire..stream of words..in her ear..practically in her ear..not catching the half..not the quarter..no idea wg ^{[place = overwritten] h}at she's saying..imagine!..no idea what she's saying!..and can't stop..no stopping it!..just as a moment before..a moment!..she couldn't make [0024]a sound..no sound of any kind..now can't stop..imagine!..can't stop the flow ^{[place = margin left] stream}!..[0025]the whole brain begging..begging the mouth to stop..pause a moment..if only for a moment..and no response..as thou if it hadn't heard... ^{[place = overwritten] o}r couldn't..couldn't pause an instant;;like maddened instant ^{[place = margin left] a second}..like maddened..all that together..trying to hear..piece it together..and the brain..raving away on its own..trying to make sense of it..make it stop..[0026]or in the past..dragging up the past..flashes from all over..walks mostly..walking all her days..a few steps then stop dead..stare into space..move on a few more..stop and stare again.. ^{[place = margin left] drifting around..day after day..}then that time she cried..the one time she could remember..since she was a baby..must hq ^{[place = overwritten] a}ve cried as a baby..perhaps not..not essential to life..just the birth cry to get her ^{[place = margin left] going...}breathing..then no more till this..old woman ^{[place = supralinear] hag} already..sitting looking at her hand..where was it?..Croks ^{[place = overwritten] e}r's meadows ^{[place = margin left] acres}..one evening on the way back ^{[place = margin bottom] home..home!..}..a little mound in Croker's meadows..sitting staring at her hand

[0026] Croker's ^{[place = margin left] acr' [place = overwritten] es} meadows.. ^{[place = margin right] failing light..}sitting staring at her hand..lying in her lap..palm upward..suddenly saw it wet..the palm..tears presumably..hers presumably..no one else for miles..no sound..just the tears..sat and watched them dry..all over in a second..[0027]or snatching at straws..the brain..one grab and on.. brain..flickering away on its own..one grab and on..on to the next..bad as the voice..worse..as little sense..all that together..can't - ..what?..the buzzing?..yes..all the time lik the buzzing..dull roar like falls..and the ray..flickering on and off..starting to move around..like moonbeam but ov ^{[place = overwritten] b}viously not..all part of the same..keep an eye on that too..corner of the eye..can't go on.. ^{[place = margin left] it can't go on..}God is love..sh'ell ^{[place = margin left] she'll} be purged..[0028]back in the field..the ^{[place = supralinear] morning} sun..April..sink face down in the grass..nothing but the larks..so on..snatching at the straw..straining to hear..the odd word..make some sense of it..whole body like gone..only the mouth..gone mad..no stopping it..something she - ..what?..who?..what?..no..no!..she!..(pause and movement 3)..something she had to - ..what?..the buzzing?..yes..all the time the buzzing..dull roar..in the skull..and the ray..ferreting around..no pain there..so far..ha!..so far ^{[place = supralinear] painless..so far..ha!..so far}..[0029]then thinking..another thought..oh long after!..sudden flash..perhaps something she had to..had to..tell..could that be it?..tiny little thing..before its time.. ^{[place = margin left] godforsaken} hole in the bog..never any love..spared that..speechless all her days..practically speechless... ^{[place = overwritten] h}ow she survived!..that time in court..what had she to say for herself..guilty or not guilty..speak up woman..stood there staring at nothing..mouth half open as usual...waiting to be led away..glad of the hand on her arm..now this..something she had to tell ..could that be it?..somthing that would say ^{[place = supralinear] tell}..how it was..could that - ..what?..had been?..yes..something that would say ^{[place = supralinear] tell}..how it had been..how she survived..lived on and on..guilty or not..to be sixty..something she - ..what?..seventy?..my ^{[place = supralinear] good} God§ ^{[place = overwritten] !}..lived on and on..to be seventy..something she didn't know herself..wouldn't know if she heard..then forgiven..merciful God..tender mercies..new every morning..[0030]back in the field..could that be it?..bound to in the end..out with it in the end..say everything go on long enough..then back in the field..April morning..face buried in the grass..nothing but the larks..pick it up there..get on with it from there..another few - ..what?..not that?..nothing to do with that?..nothing she could tell?..all right..think of something else..oh long after..sudden flash..not that either..all right..something else again..so on..hit on it in the end..think everything go on long enough..[0031]then back in the - ..what?..not that either?..nothing to do with that?..nothing she could think ^{[place = inline] ?}..all right..nothing she could tell..nothing she - ..what?..who?..what?..no..no!..she!..(pause and movement 4)..tiny little thing..before itsits time.. ^{[place = margin left] godforsaken} hole in the bog..parents unknown..no love..spared that..speechless all her days..practically speechless..even to herself..never aloud..[0032]but not completely..sometimes sudden urge..once or twice a year..always winter for some

[0032] ^{[place = margin left] [⁁]strange} reason..the long evenings.. ^{[place = margin top] hours of darkness..}sudden urge to..to tell..then rush out and stop the first she saw..[0033]nearest lavatory..start pouring it out..steady stream..wild stuff..half the vowels wrong..pine for pain..that kind..no one could follow..till she saw the stare she was getting... ^{[place = overwritten] t}hen die of shame.. ^{[place = margin left] crawl back in..}once or twice a year..always winter some strange reason..long hours of darkness..now this..and all getting w ^{[place = overwritten] q}uicker..the words..ty ^{[place = overwritten] h}e brain..flickering away like mad..quick grab and on..nothing there..on somewhere else..try somewhere else..[0034]with all the time something begging..something in her begging..some part of the brain..begging it all to stop..unanswered..prayer unasnwered..or unheard..too faint..so on..keep on trying..not knowing what..what she was trying..what to try..whole body like gone..only the face..keep on - ..what?..the buzzing..yes..all the time the buzzing..steady roar..in the skull ^{[place = supralinear] ...}and the beam..on and off..poking around..painless..so far..ha!..so far ^{[place = margin left] [Stet.]} ..keep on trying..not knowing what..what she - ..what?..who?..what ^{[place = inline] ?}..no..no!.... ^{[place = overwritten] sh}e!..(pause)..(curtain starts no matter..[0035](curtain starts slowly down)..hit on it in the end..then back..God is love..back in the field..face in the grass..April morning..nothing but the larks..pick it up -