[0001] I shall soon be quite dead at last in spite of all. [0002] Perhaps next month. [0003] Then it will be the month of April or of May. [0004] For the year is still young, a thousand little signs tell me so. [0005] Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I shall survive Saint John the Baptist's Day and even the Fourteenth of July, festival of freedom. [0006] Indeed I would not put it past me to pant on to the Transif^figuration, not to speak of the Assumption. [0007] But I do not think so, I do not think I am wrong in saying that these ~~rejoicings~~ [⁁]^festivities will ~~take place in my absence~~ [⁁]^{be held without me}, this year. [0008] I have that feeling, I have had it now for some days, and I credit it. [0009] But in what does it differ from those that have ~~abused~~ [⁁]^forced me ever since I was born? [0010] No, that is the kind of bait I do not rise to any more, my need for prettiness is gone. [0011] I could die to-day, if I wished, merely by making a little effort, if I could wish, if I could make an effort. [0012] But it is just as well to let myself die, quietly, without rushing things. [0013] Something must have changed. [0014] I will not weigh upon the balance any more, one way or the other. [0015] I shall be neutral and inert. [0016] No difficulty there. [0017] Throes are the only trouble, I must be on my guard against throes. [0018] But I am less given to them now, since coming here. [0019] Of course I still have my little fits of impatience, from time to time, [0020] I must be on my guard against them, for the next for^t[⁁]night or three weeks. [0021] Without exaggeration to be sure, quietly crying and laughing, without working myself up into a state. [0022] Yes, I shall be natural at last,

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[0022] I shall suffer more, then less, without drawing any conclusions, I shall pay less heed to myself, I shall be neither hot nor cold any more, I shall be tepid, I shall die tepid, without ~~entusiasm.~~ enthusiasm. [0023] I shall not watch myself die, that would spoil everything. [0024] Have I watched myself live? [0025] Have I ever complained? [0026] Then why rejoice now? [0027] I am content, necessarily, but not to the point of clapping my hands. [0028] I was always content, knowing I would be repaid. [0029] There he is now, my old debtor. [0030] Shall I then fall on his neck? [0031] I shall not answer any more questions. [0032] I shall even try not to ask myself any more. [0034] While waiting I shall tell myself stories, if I can. [0035] They will not be the same kind of stories as hitherto, that is all. [0036] They will be neither beautiful nor ugly, they will be calm, there will be no ugliness or beauty or fever in them any more, they will be almost lifeless, like the teller. [0037] What was that I said? [0038] It does not matter. [0039] I look forward to their giving l^me great satisfaction, some satisfaction. [0040] I am satisfied, there ~~it is~~[₰], I have enough, I am repaid, I need nothing more. [0041] Let me say before I go any further that I forgive nobody. [0042] I wish them all an atrocious life and then the fires and ice of hell and in the execrable generations to come an honoured name. [0043] Enough for this evening.

[0044] This time I know where I am going, [0045] it is no longer the ancient night, the recent night. [0046] Now it is a game, I am going to play. [0047] I never knew how to play, till now. [0048] I longed to, but I knew it was impossible. [0049] And yet I often tried. [0050] I turned on all the lights, I took a good look att^ll round, I began to play

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[0050] with what I saw. [0051] People and things ask nothing better than to play, certain animals too. [0052] All went well at first, they all came to me, pleased that someone should want to play with them. [0053] If I said, Now I need a hunchback, immediately one came running, proud as punch of his fine hunch that was going to perform. [0054] It did not occur to him that I might have to ask him to undress. [0055] But it was not long before I found myself alone, in the dark. [0056] That is why I gave up trying to play and took to myself for ever shapelessness and speechlessness, incurious wondering, dark^ness, long stumbling with outstretched arms, hiding. [0057] Such is the earnestness from which, for nearly a century now, I have never been able to depart. [0058] From now on it will be different. I shall never do anything any more from now on but play. [0059] No, I must not begin with an exaggeration. [0060] But I shall play a great part of the time, from now on, the greater part, if I can. [0061] But perhaps I shall not succeed any better than hitherto. [0062] Perhaps as hitherto I shall find myself abandoned, in the dark, without anything to play with. [0063] Then I shall play with myself. [0064] To have been able to conceive such a plan is encouraging.
[0065] I must have thought about my time-table during the night. [0066] I think I shall be able to tell myself four stories, each one on a different theme. [0067] One about a man, another about a woman, a third about a thing and finally one about an animal, a bird probably. [0068] I think that is everything. [0070] Perhaps I shall put the man and the woman in the same story, there is so little difference between a man and a woman, between mine I mean. [0071] Perhaps I shall not have time to finish. [0072] On the other hand perhaps I shall finish

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[0072] too soon. [0073] There I am back at my old aporetics. [0074] Is that the ~~right~~[₰] word? [0075] I don't know. [0076] It does not matter if I do not finish. [0077] But if I finish too soon? [0078] That does not matter either. [0079] For then I shall speak of the things ~~tht~~ that remain in my possession, that is ~~a thing~~ ^{a thing} I have always wanted to do. [0080] It will be a kind of inventory. [0081] In any case that is a thing I must leave to the very last moment, so as to be sure of not having made a mistake. [0082] In any case that is a thing I shall certainly do, no matter what happens. [0083] It will not take me more than a quarter of an hour at the most. [0084] That is to say it could take me longer, if I wished. [0085] But should I be short of time, at the last moment, then a brief quarter of an hour would be all I should need, to draw up my inventory. [0086] My desire is henceforward to be clear, without being finical. I have always wanted that too. [0087] It is obvious I may suddenly expire, at any moment. [0088] Would it not then be better for me to speak of my possessions without further delay? [0089] Would not that be wiser? [0090] And then if necessary at the last moment correct any inaccuracies. [0091] That is what reason counsels. [0092] But reason has not much hold on me, just now. [0093] All things run together to encourage me. [0094] But can I really resign myself to the possibility of my dying without leaving an inventory behind? [0095] There I am back at my old quibbles. [0096] Presumably I can, since I uⁱntend to take the risk. [0097] All my life long I have put off this reckoning, saying, Too soon, too soon. [0098] Well it is still too soon. [0099] All my life long I have dreamt of the moment when, edified at last, in so far as one can be before all is lost, I might draw the line and make the tot. [0100] This moment ~~seems now at hand.~~ [0101] ~~I shall not lose my h~~