MS-HRC-SB-5-9-2

[p. 14v]
addition 3→
DOODLE 32

[1425] [p. 15r] she make me a nest at the approach of winter, would she protect me from the snow, would she change my sawdust, would she rub salt into my ailing xxx ^scalp, I hope I'm not forgetting anything, if I wasn't there? [1426] Would she have put on my collar, raised me on a pedestal, hung hung me with lanterns, with if she was not certain of my substantiality? [1427] How happy I should be to submit to this evidence and to the execution upon me of the judgement it invites. [1428] Unfortunately I regard it as highly subject to caution, not to say irreceivable (inacceptable). [1429] What is to one to think of the redoubled attentions to which she has subjected me, for some time past. Do they not betray great uneasiness on her part? [1430] What What a difference compared to the calm of our early relations, when I only saw her once a week. [1431] No, there is no getting away from, this woman is losing faith in me. [1432] And she is trying to put off the moment when she will finally have to confess her mistake by coming every few minutes to see if I am still more or less imaginable, in situ. [1433] Similarly the belief in God, in all modesty let it be said, is sometimes lost following a period of intensified zeal & observance, it appears. [1434] Here I must pause to make a distinguo (I am still thinking). [1435] That my sanctuary is really standing where they say, all right, I don't dream of deny wouldn't dream of denying it, it's no business of none of my business, xxx though the presence at such a place, about the reality of which I do not propose to quibble either, of so vast an urn does not seem very credible to me. [1436] No. [1437] I merely doubt that I am inside it. [1438] It is easier to elevate erect a shrine than have the idol ^{object of worship} elect his dwelling there. [1439] But I am getting mixed. [1440] That's what comes of distinguos. [1441] No matter. [1442] She loves me, I've always sensed it. [1443] She needs me. [1444] Her business, her garden, her husband, perhaps her children, are not enough, there is in her a void that I alone can fill. [1445] It is not surprising, under these conditions, if she suffers has visions. [1446] There was a time when I thought she was perhaps a near xx relation, of mine, mother, sister, daughter, or suchlike, even wife, and that she was sequestrating me. [1447] That is to say that Mahood, seeing how little impressed I was by his chief wit trump card, whispered this hypothesis in my ear, adding, I have said nothing. [1448] xx I must say it is not as preposterous as it looks, at first sight. [1449] It even accounts for certain bizarreries which which had not yet struck me at the time of its formulation, among others my inexistence in the eyes of those not in the know, that is to say all mankind. [1450] But assuming I was being hidden on a in public stowed away in a

[p. 15v]
addition 4→

[1450] [p. 16r] public place, why go to all this trouble to show off my head, artistically illuminated from dusk to midnight? [1451] You may say that that nothing matters but the result is all that matters. [1452] Another thing. [1453] This woman has never spoken to me, as far as I know. [1454] If I say I have said a to say xxx I ^{I should} have said xxx anything to the contrary, I was mistaken. [1455] If If I should do so again, I shall be mistaken again. [1456] Unless I am mistaken now. [1457] Into the dossier with it in any case, in support of whatever thesis you like. [1458] Never an affectionate word, never a reprimand. [1459] For fear of drawing people's attention to me? [1460] Or lest the mirage should be illusion should be dispelled? [1461] To sum up, [1462] the time is at hand when my only believer must deny me. [1463] Nothing has happened. [1464] The lanterns have not been lit. [1465] Is it the same evening? [1466] Perhaps dinner time is over. [1467] M Perhaps Marguerite has come and gone, come again and gone again, in her usual way, without my having noticed it. [1468] Perhaps I have blazed with all my usual brilliance, for hours on end, all unsuspecting. [1469] And yet something has changed. [1470] The night is not an ordinary night. [1471] Not because I see no stars, it is not often I see a star, far off in the depths of the narrow sliver of sky I command. [1472] Not because I do not see anything, not even the railings, that has often happened. [1473] Not because of the silence either, it is a silent place, at night. [1474] And I am half deaf. [1475] It is not the first time that I prick up my ears in vain, for the muffled noise of the stables. stables' muffled sounds. [1476] All of a sudden a horse will neigh. [1477] Then I'll know that nothing has changed. [1478] Or I'll see the lantern of the watchman, swinging at knee level, in the yard. [1479] I must be patient. [1480] It is cold, this morning it snowed. And yet I don't feel the cold air on my head. [1481] Perhaps I am still under the tarpaulin, perhaps she put put it over me again, for fear of more snow during the night, while I was meditating. [1482] But that sensation I so love, of the tarpaulin weighing on my head, is lacking too. [⁁] ^{[1483] Has my head lost all feeling? [1484] Did I have a fit of apoplexy, while I was meditating? [1485] I don't know. [⁁]} [1486] I shall possess my soul in patience, without any xxx more questions, on the qui vive. [1487] Hours have passed, it must must be daybr again, nothing has changed, I hear nothing. [1488] I put them before their responsibilities, perhaps they have let me go. [1489] For this feeling xx of being entirely enclosed, and yet nothing touching me, is new. [1490] The sawdust no longer presses against my stumps, I don't know where I end. [1491] I left it yesterday, Mahood's world, the street, the eating-house, the butchery, the statue and, through the railings, the sky like a slate pencil. [1492] I shall never hear again

[p. 16v]
addition 5→

[1492] [p. 17r] the crying of the cattle, nor the clinking of the forks and glasses, nor the angry voices of the butchers, nor the litany of the dishes and the prices. [1493] There will never be another woman wanting me to live in vain to live, my shadow at evening will not darken the ground. [1494] The stories of Mahood are ended, il he has realized they could not be about me. [1495] He has abandoned, it is I who win, though I did all I could to lose, in order to please him, and be left in peace. [1496] Having won, shall I be left in peace? [1497] It doesn't look like it, I seem to be going on talking. [1498] In any case In any case all these suppositions are probably erroneous. [1499] I shall perhaps be launched again, girt with better arms, against the fortress of mortality. [1500] What is more important is I ^{that I shd. [⁁]} know what is going on now, in order to report it, as my function requires. [1501] It must not be forgotten, sometimes I forget, that all is a question of voices. [1503] I say what I am told to say, in the hope that one some day they will weary of talking at me. [1504] The trouble is I say it wrong, having no ear, no head, no memory. [1505] Now I hear them saying it is Worm's voice beginning, I pass on the news, for what it is worth. [1506] Do they believe that I believe it is I who am talking? [1507] That's theirs too. [1508] To make me think that I have an ego of my own and can speak of it, as they can of theirs. [1509] Another trap, so that I may find myself suddenly caught, snap !, among the living. [1510] It's how to fall into it that they can't have explained to me properly. [1511] They'll never get the better of my stup my stupidy stupidity. [1512] Why do they speak to me thus? [1513] Perhaps ^{It is possible that} certain things change on their way through me, the important things, and that they can't do anything about that. [1514] Do they believe that I believe it is I who ask these questions? [1515] That's theirs too. [1516] A little distorted perhaps. [1517] I don't say it's not the right method. [1518] I don't say they won't get me in the end. [1519] I wish they would, to be thrown awa away. [1520] It's this hunt that is tiring, these this interminable being at this unending being at bay. [1521] Images, they imagine that by piling on the images they'll net me in the end. [1522] Like the mother that whistles so that baby to prevent baby from getting nephritis. [1523] They, yes, they, now they're all in the same boat. [1524] Worm to play, his lead, I wish him a happy time. [1525] To think I thought he was hostile to what they trying to do with me. [1526] To think I saw in him, if not exactly me, a step towards me. [1527] To get me to be he, be the anti-Mahood, and then say, But what am I doing but

[p. 17v]
addition 6→
GOB 1947 DOODLE 33

[1527] [p. 18r] living, in a kind of way, in the only possible way? [1528] That's the combination. [1529] Or per absurdum ^{by the absurd} prove to me that I am, xxx abs the absurd not being able. [1530] Unfortunately it is no help my being forewarned, I never remain so for long. [1531] In any case I wish him every success, in his courageous undertaking. [1532] And I am even prepared to collaborate with him, as with Mahood and Co, to the best of my ability, being unable to do otherwise, and knowing my ability. [1533] Worm, to say he does not know what he is, where he is, what is happening, is an understatement. [1534] What he does not is that there there is anything to know. [1535] His senses tell him nothing, nothing about himself, nothing about the rest, and this distinction is unknown to xxx him. [1536] Feeling nothing, knowing nothing, he exists nevertheless, but not for himself, for others ^men, others ^men conceive him and say, Worm is here, since we conceive him, as if there could be no life but life conceived, if only by him who lives it. [1537] Men. [1538] One alone, then others. [1539] One alone turned towards the all-impotent, all-ignorant, that haunts him, then others. [1540] Towards him whom he would nourish, he the famished one, and who, having nothing human, has nothing else, has nothing, is nothing. [1541] Come into the world unborn, abiding there unliving, with no hope of death, epicentre of joys, x of griefs, of calm. [1542] Which seems seems the truest possession, because the most unchanging. [1543] The one outside of life xxx we always were ^{in the end}[⁁], all our long vain life long. [1544] Who is not spared by the mad need to speak, to think, to know what one is, what one was, during the wild dream, up above, under the sky, going out ^{venturing forth} at night. [1545] The one x ignorant of ^himself and silent ^{The one who in speechless ignorance of himself}, ignorant of his silence and silent, who could not be and gave up trying. [1546] Who crouches in the midst of their midst who see themselves see themselves in him and to their ? xxx his unchanging xxx. in their eyes stares his unchanging stare. [1547] Thanks for these first notions. [1548] They are encouraging. [1549] And it's not all. [1550] He who searches for his true face, let him be of good cheer, he'll find it, convulsed with anguish, and the eyes out on stalks. [1551] He who xxx desired ^desires to have lived, while he was alive, let him xxx him be reassured, life will tell him how. [1552] That's all very comforting. [1553] Worm, be Worm, you'll see, it's impossible, what a velvet glove, a little worn at the knuckles with all the punching hard hitting. xxx xxx (bashing). [1554] Bah, let's turn the xxx ^black eye. [1555] And let the starching begin ^{at last} , of this xxx ^xxxxxx clout, pawed so xxx ^patiently in vain, as limp and drooping still as before they began.

[p. 18v]
addition 7→
DOODLE 34

[p. 19r][1555] And the starching begin at last, of this old clxxx clout so patiently pawed in vain, as limp and drooping still as before they began. [1556] But it is exclusively solely a question of voices, every other image is to be rejected. [1557] Let it go through me at last, the right one, the last one, his who has none, by his own confession. [1558] Do they think they'll lull me xxx, with all this hemming and hawing? [1559] What can it matter to me, whether I succeed or fail? [1560] The undertaking is none of mine. [1561] If they want me to succeed, I'll fail, so as not be rid of them. [1562] Is there a single word of mine in all I say? [1563] No, I have no voice, in this matter I have no voice. [1564] That's one of the reasons why I confused myself with Worm. [1565] But I have no reasons either, no reason, I'm like Worm, with xxx with no voice or reason, I'm Worm, no, if I was Worm I wouldn't know it, I wouldn't say it, I wouldn't say anything, I'd be Worm. [1566] But I don't say anything, I don't know anything, these voices are not mine, nor these thoughts, but the voices and the thoughts of the enemies xxx who inhabit me. [1567] Who make me say that I can't be Worm, the inexpugnable. [1568] Who make me say that I am he perhaps, as they are. [1569] Who make me say that, since I can't be he, I must be he. [1570] That, since I couldn't be Mahood, as I might have been, I must be Worm, as I can't be. [1571] But is it still they who say that, having failed to be Worm, I'll be Mahood, automatically, on the rebound? [1572] As if, and a little silence, as I were if I were big enough now to understand take a hint and understand, certain things, but they're wrong, I need explanations, of xxx everything, and even then, I don't understand, that's how I'll sicken them in the end, by my stupidity, [⁁] ^{so they say} so they say that is xx it's they who say xx so they say, to lull me xxx, to make me think I am more stupid than I am. [1573] And is it still they who say that when I am Worm at last, and surprise them all, I'll be at last Mahood, Worm proving to be Mahood, the moment one is he. [1574] Ah if only they could begin, and do xx with me what they will, and succeed at last, in doing with me what they will, I am ready to be whatever they will, I am tired of being matter, matter, messed about xxx pawed and pummeled endlessly in vain. [1575] Or give up and leave me lying there in a heap, in such a heap that nobody would be ever found again, mad enough to xxx to try and fashion it. [1576] But they are not of one mind, they are all of the same kidney and yet they xxx don't know what they want to do with me, they don't know where I am, or what I'm